bbs.chrismoore.com

The Blog :: The BLOG HAS MOVED!

Author: chris
Subject: The BLOG HAS MOVED!
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 2:17 pm (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Hey Kids,
Bookmark or subscribe to the RSS of the Blog Here:

http://blog.chrismoore.com/

All new entries will appear at the above location as of August 21, 2008
You can leave your comments there as well after one log in.

The Blog :: Move Along, Nothing here to see...

Author: chris
Subject: Move Along, Nothing here to see...
Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:25 pm (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Hey kids. I know I've been remiss on the blogs and posts here. I'm locked down, trying to get a new book finished before the tour in February. I promise I'll start producing some web material soon.

For now, let me confirm the release date of the new book, Fool, will be February 10th. And that the next book will be -- well -- here's the first paragraph:

"The city of San Francisco is being stalked by a huge, shaved vampyre cat named Chet, and only I, Abby Normal, emergency back-up mistress of the greater Bay Area night, and my manga-haired love monkey, Foo Dog, stand between the ravenous monster and a bloody massacre of the general public. Which isn't, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass."

So, there you go. Now, back to work for me. As always, you can email me at BSFiends@aol.com if you actually want to get a personal response. I try to answer my MySpace messages, too. I'm not able, however, to respond to all of the general MySpace comments (I have to draw the line somewhere or I'll never get any books written.).

The Blog :: That Author Guy Doesn't Read - Live!

Author: chris
Subject: That Author Guy Doesn't Read - Live!
Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:38 pm (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Hey you guys, here's a live radio performance I did in Portland last month.

It's the July 5th LIvewire from Portland. It's a fun show, sort of like a Prairie Home Companion only more damp. If you're pressed for time, move the slider to 34:14. The piece runs about 7 minutes, with another 7 minute interview. The original "I Don't Read" is about 21 minutes long, but I had to cut it down for radio. When I get bleeped, I'm saying "phuque!" and "phuquetard"

http://www.livewireradio.org/podcasts.php

(Also check out the June 28th essay by Lois Leveen. It's 20 minutes in, and very funny.)

Comments:http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?t=15433

The Blog :: OMFG! Comics! Superheroes! Cats Shagging Dogs! It�s Chaos!

Author: chris
Subject: OMFG! Comics! Superheroes! Cats Shagging Dogs! It�s Chaos!
Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 9:28 am (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

OMFG! Comics! Superheroes! Cats Shagging Dogs! It�s Chaos!

I was kidding about the Cats shagging Dogs.

Your Authorguy is going to be at Comicon in San Diego. It should be interesting, since I don't really know anything about Secret Societies or Lost Civiliations. But, there you go.

Panel:
FRIDAY, JULY 25
5:00-6:00 Mythology, Secret Societies and Lost Civilizations. Room 2
(the actual length of panel is really about 50-55 minutes)

Autographing in the Comic-Con Autograph Area
FRIDAY, JULY 25
6:00-7:00 Mythology, Secret Societies and Lost Civilizations. Table AA1
Authors whose books include Atlantis, Angels, and the Holy Grail: Alex Archer (Rogue Angel), Thomas Greanias (Raising Atlantis, The Atlantis Prophecy), Brad Meltzer (The Book of Fate), Christopher Moore (Lamb, A Dirty Job), Thomas Sniegoski (A Kiss Before the Apocalypse) and Michael Spradlin (The Youngest Templar: Keeper of the Grail)

The Blog :: Portland! Open your ears!

Author: chris
Subject: Portland! Open your ears!
Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 4:29 pm (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Your author guy is going to be on Live Wire radio, Saturday, June 21st, at 8:00 pm.

Details at:

http://www.livewireradio.org/

I have no idea what to expect. Sounds like it could be like Prairie Home Companion.

The Blog :: The City of the Dead

Author: chris
Subject: The City of the Dead
Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 9:03 pm (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Until I figure out how to embed a movie here, check out the MySpace blog post:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=95547714&blogID=406520022&indicate=1

Here's the first installment of the LONG VERSION. I'm guessing this takes fifteen minutes or so to look at. The remaining 300 photos tomorrow:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=95547714&blogID=406552439

COMMENTS: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=202963#202963

The Blog :: Why the Kindle isn't a complete P.O.S.

Author: chris
Subject: Why the Kindle isn't a complete P.O.S.
Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:44 am (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Let�s face it. I�m a gadget guy. I like shiny new machines, sometimes because they are shiny and new. I have an Iphone, an Xbox360, 2 Playstations, two Macs, five PCs (4 of which I built), 3 flat-screen TVs, 2 Tivos, 4 Ipods, 3 Digital SLRs, 4 digital point and shoot cameras -- well, you get the idea. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a luddite, or anti-technical. I am not averse to change, nor am I nostalgic for the �old days� that never really existed. Neither am I evangelical about technology � I don�t have any unnatural affection for my Macs, and I don�t have any built-in revulsion for my PCs, or vice-versa. I like stuff that works, and I get pissed off at stuff that doesn�t. Okay. Just so we�re clear.

So, despite my misgivings about E-books, which I�ll go into in a whole different blog, I bought a Kindle from Amazon. My history with the electronic book reader is this: I tried to demo the Sony reader three different times in
various book stores and there was never one that worked long enough to actually tell what it was like. But it was obvious that electronic paper had some possibilities.

Then, about two months ago, Amazon�s Kindle PR division contacted me and asked me to do a blog for them, which I linked to here. I started looking into the Kindle machine, reading reviews, asking friends, checking out the specs. After all, you couldn�t sign on to Amazon without being hit in the face with another Kindle promotion, and I sign onto Amazon a lot. (Note ridiculously long gadget list above.) So, even through Amazon had sent Kindles to my friends Neil Gaiman and Daniel Handler for review, and not to me, and I had done a blog for them (for fucking nothing, despite the fact that I actually get paid to do this � a lot) I ordered a Kindle. And eight hours later (I�m not kidding, eight hours) they lowered the price by $50.

So, you know, good start. So, here are my observations. And yes, this does go on a bit.

First, the good:

Kindle delivers available books in about 60 seconds through a free cellular data network, anywhere in the country. It�s fast, there�s a pretty good selection, and the screen is easy to read, with scalable fonts. It�s light, and the battery supposedly lasts a pretty long time, as power is only required to turn/change a page, not show text (it�s not back lit). They ship it with a very nice leather cover, that almost completely negates the size and weight advantage, but does protect the Kindle if it�s strapped in, and you can surf the internet, search Amazon products, and subscribe to and read blogs, magazines, and newspapers that are available from Amazon. You can also mail Word or other text documents to yourself and for ten cents a piece, Amazon will convert them to Kindle format and send them to your Kindle. These are all cool things. With a cheap SD memory card, you could easily carry 200 books with you in this little machine, and it highlights, clips, makes notes and bookmarks text.

Which means that the Kindle is not a complete P.O.S. It is, however, at least in this generation, a partial P.O.S.

The Not So Good:
1. No place to hold it. Every place you grab it does something -- activates some function.

2. No page numbers. They have reference numbers, but not actually page numbers. There's no way to find something or tell someone else how to find it. If you change font size, the reference numbers change. So, for instance, you might say,
"Oh my God, there's the funniest line in that new Sedaris book!"
"Really, what page is it on?"
"Uh, 2023 of 4432 in the second biggest font."
"Oh, yeah, that means something to me."

3. There's no place to clip the light they sell you to clip on it, and without the light, it's dark. Of course you can clip it to the cover they sell you but...

4. It falls out of the cover. There's a tiny "ledge" that's supposed to keep the Kindle in place, but it doesn't work. Yes, I could put a piece of stick-on velcro on the back and solve this problem, but I just paid $400 for this thing, I shouldn't have to add velcro to make it functional.

5. It shuts down. I took it to Los Angeles for a weekend trip. I'd charged it before I left, and it's supposed to be good for 7000 "page turns" on a charge, but even with the wireless off, it just stuck on a page on the second day, so I had nothing to read. I've never had a real book, "lock up".

6. Reading on the screen is disorienting. I read a lot on a screen, more than I read on paper, but reading a novel on a screen is disorienting. The screen is still pretty small, and a full page of text from a book isn't displayed. You never have a feel of how far along you are in a book. You don't know how far from the end of the chapter you are. There is a little line of "progress dots" along the bottom of the page that's supposed to indicate how far along you are, but it doesn't feel "real". It think if you could make it default to page numbers that mirror the real book, and you knew you were on page 44 of 400, you'd have a better idea. The progress numbers aren't always right, either. I loaded the manuscript of my new book into it. The reference numbers keep showing things like, 2483 out of 98. Which, you know, is confusing.

So, the Kindle, in my opinion, just isn't quite there. And understand, I think there's a certain inevitability to electronic books, so this is not a rant against the form. For some things, particularly college courses, I think e-books could rock hard. But until there's a generation who has never read or worked with paper books, the "analog" aspect of the reader has to be a lot better. You've got to somehow simulate the good things about paper books (and I don't mean the smell or the fact that you can tear the pages out and wipe with them if you're stuck dropping dooky in the woods), while taking advantage of the assets of e-books.

I'll have a whole new blog on e-books soon, in which we'll explore how you can decorate your garage to accommodate your own homeless author guy, who just got Napstered out of a job.

Meanwhile, e-book owners, share your thoughts.

COMMENTS: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=202482#202482

The Blog :: What I read on my Spring Vacation

Author: chris
Subject: What I read on my Spring Vacation
Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 12:20 pm (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

So, people are always asking me what I'm reading. And usually, I'm reading something for research, or some book someone has sent me for a jacket comment. (I have a two-foot stack of books on my desk right now that I'd love to read and comment on, but then, I would never be able to write another book.) It's an occupational hazzard or just a hazzard of life, I guess. There are more books to read than you'll ever have time to read. But when I was in Europe last month, doing a whole month on a couple of carry-on bags, I could only carry one book at a time, and since I was in Italy most of the time, there were very limited English language titles I could buy. So I got to read some books for fun that I might not have picked up otherwise.

First, I was in Siena, a very cool Medieval City in Northern Italy, when I ran out of reading material and so I picked up Northern Lights, the first book in Phillip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" series. It's a young adult fantasy, and I have some trouble getting engaged in some YA titles, but I absolutely loved this book. (The Golden Compass film was adapted from it, but I hadn't see it yet, fortunately.) I was never able to finish a Harry Potter book for some reason, although I could certainly see the appeal. But here, for the first time in a long time, I was completely lost in the story. (Perhaps because I was trying to drown out the sound of Italian guys on cell phones on trains. Travel note: Italian guys never shut up. Ever. If they are awake and there's not food in their mouths, they are talking. Especially if there's a woman around. I wanted to have a T-shirt made with the letters S.T.F.U. and point to it in these situations, because clearly, even with 3000 years of civilization, they have never learned to Shut The Fuck Up.) Anyway, giant armored talking polar bears. Yes! Northern Lights creates a very rich, alternative world that looks much like early 20th Century England, only more steam-punky, but the main thing you need to know is: Giant Talking Armored Polar Bears. Sure there's a cute and spunky little Pippi Longstockingesce girl, there are Dickinsean street urchins (which you can now order n sushi bars in London - they are served with English hot mustard instead of wasabi) and a hydrogen-stealing zeppelin pirate, (a species rumored to have once existed in the Castro in San Francisco), but they had me at Giant Talking Armored Polar Bears. Hijinks ensue. (I'm reading the second book in the series now on the Kindle, which sucks ass in so many ways I don't have time or room to enumerate them, so I don't know if it's any good or not because I can't get past dealing with the stupid machine.)

So then I read Heat, by Bill Buford, which is sub titled: An Amateur's Adventures ans a Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany. It's about working in restaurants, but it's also about learning about food, about obsession, about the restaurant business, a biography of Mario Batali, and an overall history of Italian cooking. This is a terrific non-fictuon book that I probably would have never finished if I hadn't been traveling, and I would have been poorer for having missed it. Buford is a talented writer, but also has the ability to humble himself as a student, which makes him a good teacher. I learned a lot about food, about restaurants (and I used to work in them) and about Italy. If you eat, you should read this book.

I picked up Michael Chabon's book, The Yiddish Policeman's Union in Verona. Chabon doesn't need me to sell his ability as a writer, he's won tons of awards, including a Pulitzer for The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. This book, however, I think is my favorite. It's a noir mystery, so Chabon gets to show off his ability to turn a phrase, but it's also a very high-concept alternative-history, wherein the state of Israel was not established in 1949, but the Jews from the post-war diaspora were relocated to a colony in Sitka, Alaska. So you have a detective story peopled entirely with people who speak in a Yiddish idiom, intermingled with Tlinglet Indians, one of whom, a giant, is raised at the adopted son of the main character, and so is a practicing Jew, right down to his yarmulke and the fringe of his garment. It makes for an extraordinarily interesting story, peppered with Judica and hard-boiled kvetching. If you're Jewish, you really need to read this book, but if you're not, you'll probably learn something in addition to being entertained.

Finally, I read a book off of my "read for comment" pile that I chose because it would fit in my computer bag. Captain Freedom, by G. Xavier Robillard, is a very funny send-up of the super-hero genre. I won't go into detail because it won't be out until early next year, but leave it at: "it's a hybrid of The Tick and Mark Leyner's, Et Tu Babe. Very sharp, funny social satire. Meanwhile, you can check out G.'s Blog at http://www.alldaycoffee.net/

Comments: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?t=15090

The Blog :: Book Expo America -2008

Author: chris
Subject: Book Expo America -2008
Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 9:02 pm (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Every year booksellers, publishers, and authors meet in an agreed upon city and talk about why the book business is going to to hell in a handbasket while eating, drinking, and standing next to each other for photos. It's my chance to have brushes with fame!

Shortly after arriving, I ran into Neil Stephenson, author of Snow Crash, the Diamond Age, a bunch of others, and the upcoming Anathema. (Or somthing really close to that, they wouldn't give me a copy.) Here I am tilting my head by Neal, who has to stand there because we have the same publisher and they will fire him if he's mean to me.

Later I tried to convince people that by rubbing Neal's head they could become smarter, because he is a genius. The plan failed, however, because I tried to charge $20 bucks a rub and it turns out that people won't pay that kind of money to be smarter. Then we went out to dinner with a bunch of people from my publisher and I was allowed to go because I am the slow kid and they have to be nice to me.

Here is Neal Stephenson's appetizer. It contains nanobots that go through your system and give you a hand job from the inside. I didn't order it because it was $29 and I thought that was a little steep for a nanobot hand job.

But, little did I know, that the nanobots would actually turn Neal into an evil genius super-villian, and migrate over to my plate of raw fish shaped like bacon to turn me into a super hero.

As a super hero, I was able to hang our with all kinds of famous people,
even dead ones...

Then it was the next day, and I had sort of pooped out my super nanobots and was normal again. But I got to stand next to some more authors.

Here I am with James Rollins, author of many best-selling thrillers as well as the novelization of Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
I am wearing his cool hat. I want one.

Here's T. Jefferson Parker, or T-Jeff, as he's known in the hood.
He writes terrific crime novels.

Then the guitar player for Guns and Roses and famous shagger of porn stars, Slash, came to the booth and chatted.
I talked him into signing a copy of the a book with a tiny dog butt on it.

Here, my friend, author, Michael Spradlin, holds the tiny dog butt book, which is going to bring a fortune on Ebay.

OMG! How many of these do you think there are in the world? I'll tell you: ONE! I have more nostrils than that! It's priceless:

But we will trade it for a Van Gogh or a signed Lou Gerig rookie card.
Slash was a pretty nice guy, which sort of surprised us, because he used to be seen around Axel Rose.

It doesn't really get a whole lot better than that, so I have to leave it you with a priceless tiny dog-butt book.

Comments: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?t=15001

The Blog :: More Mysterious Bathroom Stuff

Author: chris
Subject: More Mysterious Bathroom Stuff
Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 3:00 pm (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Okay, so you've read my blogs and you know that all Italian bathrooms have a bowl to wash your junk in. Which, I guess is a good thing, because the showers are very, very small (at least in the hotels we've stayed in, and I think Charlee spent some serious Author Guy dollars for some of them, although not rock star dollars, because I don't have the energy to trash the room at the end of the day.). In fact, unless I learn how to do a bunny dip (guys, ask your girlfriends who have cocktailed), it's much like being in jail (ie. if I drop the soap, I just go on without it). I have not yet had the, uh, fortitude to use the wash your junk bowl, except to rinse out a couple of shirts, but I'd much rather have that foot or two of extra space in the shower instead of the junk washing bowl. Maybe my priorities are wrong, and like most people, I like to keep my fire engine clean, but I'm not sure I require a whole appliance just for washing one part of my body.

But that's not what I'm writing about. I'm writing about the string.

Every shower in every bathroom in Italy has this string in the shower attached to a switch. For the longest time I thought it was to an exhaust fan -- and perhaps the string to keep you from touching a switch with a wet hand. So, I didn't figure I need to vent the steam, so never pulled the string. Turns out that's a good thing, because the hotel last night had this:

So now I'm completely confused. And I haven't met an Italian who speaks good enough English to ask them what's up with the string. Take another look at it from a little wider angle.

See where the string ends. Right! So it can't be for, "I've fallen in the tub and I can't get up, right? Because, well, you could: a)just scream or b)make a sickening but loud thunk when you hit or c)not be able to reach the string if you're paralyzed on the bottom of the tub.

So, is it that you are falling and you have the presence of mind to pull the string as you go down, so the alarm goes off and summons someone who saves you from drowning because your big, unconcious ass has blocked the drain? Seems unlikely, huh?

And say it is because you fell, but no one can hear you scream, but you can reach the string; how fucking loud is the alarm? I mean, are you going to set off an air raid siren. Because it seems like that's going to scare a lot of people in the other rooms to death.

What the hell is the alarm for? Soap in the eye? Presumably, you could, oh, I don't know, use your alarm string hand to flush that bad, bad shampoo out of your eye, right?

No towel?

Water way too cold? Please. No one else needs to be alerted to that. And let's face it, unless you're the Wicked Witch of the West, fire is a very unlikely event in the shower.

I honestly don't know, so I'm asking you guys, because you always seem to know everything about traveling I don't. What's with the shower alarm string? And remember, there are no wrong answers, only wrong people, so if you don't know, use your imaginations.

Comments:http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=198695#198695

The Blog :: Somewhere in Italy

Author: chris
Subject: Somewhere in Italy
Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 10:21 am (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Misreading the sign, the Author Guy goes in search of TP for his bung hole...

Comments:http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=198293#198293

The Blog :: Pics from Europe

Author: chris
Subject: Pics from Europe
Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:21 pm (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Hey Kids, these photos more or less illustrate the last blog, so, you know, memorize the blog, then look at the pics, or something. Finally got a connection fast enough for pictures.

On the road in Germany: My "escort" and press person, Katrin, enjoys a moment of rebellion as she smokes with both of her toes almost outside of the little smoking square.

Munich: Actor Christian Ulmann reads from my book in German. (He's a TV star in Germany.)

Munich: Christian and I laughing like loons.

Cologne: Some of my incredibly good-looking readers.

Cologne: I think this pretty-much shows what my readers have in common all over the world: goofiness.

Cologne: Joln, my translator, joins me at the author table.

Rape seeds and windmills on the train from Cologne to Berlin This is the only picture in this section that I took. Charlee took all the rest.

The Berlin Trainstation: Like a Cathedral built to honor safty glass.

City of Bears: This Blue Bear taken from a moving cab.

Berlin even has killer robot bears!

Christian got sick, so Katrin filled in as translator.

Dietmar Marque (this has to be the wrong spelling -- sorry Dietmar, I'm sure Katrin will write me to fix this and I will.) did the reading. Unprepared and cold, he did a terrific job. His day job is as an events director for a book store chain.

Michael, and enthusiastic reader, wants to be a translator when he gets out of school.

We lost her name, but another enthusiastic Berlinisch fan.

ON TO ITALY

View from my hotel in Milan. You thought I was kidding, didn't you?

The Cathedral in Milan. The big arch on the left is the entrance to the shopping center. On the right, there's a jumbotron as tall as the cathedral that plays underwear and shoe ads all day. Really.

Comments:http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?t=14867&highlight=

The Blog :: Futher Notes from Germany and Milan

Author: chris
Subject: Futher Notes from Germany and Milan
Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 1:49 pm (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Note: Posted with the help of Ken... internet cafe in Germany wouldn't even let Chris post a blog, much less upload photos. Hopefully, photos to come.

So, as you may have gathered, I've finished my German book tour, but here's the summary. Frankfurt is nice. Seems to be growing like crazy. Good art and stuff. (Good architecture -- see Berlin below.) The people were very friendly, helpful, and they all speak English. And I don't mean "most" or "they know a few words." They ALL speak English. Fluently. They are embarrassed for you when you try to say things in German, and it's the only time they'll interrupt and say, "It's okay to speak English."

Munich. Beautiful. Amazing museum (the only one open Monday). Saw some Klimt and Shiele. Stunning people. Tall, fit, clear skin -- not as blond as you might think, but frightfully good-looking.

Germany is a very pretty country. Even from the air, Germany looks mostly like forest. Up close the forests are dense with almost no undergrowth, the trees straight, as if they've been cultivated. All of Germany is clean. Really clean. Like, you could do surgery in them. Even the fencerows where the trains run are clean and free of litter. The windows in the tenements are all clean, even up to the seventh and eight floors. Yes, there's graffiti, but no dirt. The trains are something out of the future. Glass doors between cars open and close with better efficiency that you saw on Star Trek. Spotless, modern, fast, quiet. Even nicer than the Chunnel bullet trains.

It's no news that the Germans love order, but it's so manifest in the countries infrastructure, the frightful efficiency of everything -- even the doorways in Frankfurt where the junkies were shooting heroin were spotless. I�m not quite sure how to look at that.

Which is not to say they have a perfect society or anything. As we were walking back to the hotel in Frankfurt on the day Charlee took the �Plaza pictures�, a young man ran by me and dropped his wallet. Well, being the upstanding guy that I am, I picked it up and said �Sir! Oh Sir!� in a couple of languages. In English I said, �Sir, you dropped your wallet. Your wallet, sir! You dropped it!� In German I just waved his wallet because I don�t know how to tell say, �You dropped your wallet,� in German. Although, if he had needed know if Hanzel was in the library or to order a couple of coffees I was fucking ready.

Well, he turned, waved at me and shook his head, and that�s when the police pulled up, jumped out of the car and tackled him. �Oh good,� I thought. �They will give him his wallet back.� And that�s when I heard someone far behind me yelling, and when I turned, there was a guy running toward waving and shouting some nonsense in German.

Well, by this time, the kid who had run by was in handcuffs, presumably to keep him from resisting my kind return of his wallet. I held the wallet up to the other guy who kept running at me, saying, �Is this your wallet?� and he kept pointing at it, and saying something back but not saying yes. And that went on for what seemed like some time, and so I said, �fuck it� and dropped the wallet and walked away.

So, I don�t know what happened with the nonsense, pointing guy, but the kid was in the back of the police car and the policeman asked us if we say anything. And I said, �I didn�t really see anything. I heard the wallet hit, but I didn�t see the kid drop it. I looked when I heard it hit and I saw the kid run by. I mean, I thought he dropped it, but he might have kicked it. Actually, I would make a bad witness, I think,� I said, which was true.

And then to cop looked at Charlee and she nodded fluently in German. So the cop asked for our passport, and Charlee gave him hers, because I still have some shit I need to clear up from that time I started a religion in Micronesia, and I haven�t heard back yet from Free Credit Report Dot Com. �Mine�s at the hotel,� I said, with a German accent to make things easier on the cop. By that time I guess he had decided that I would not make a very good witness, so he sort of walked away shaking his head.

(This is where you kind of have to give it to the Bush administration. Because W. has been the face of America for seven years or so, expectations for us are so low that if we just make it through a day without pooping on the sidewalk or killing a bunch of their citizens we get like a big Special Olympics hug.)

Evidently the wallet guy is the only guy in Frankfurt who doesn�t speak English. Probably why the kid took his wallet.

So, where was I? Oh yeah, Cologne, which doesn�t smell as nice as you might think, but that�s because they actually pronounce and spell it Koln in German (with an umlaut, or two dots over the O, which I have no idea how to do on this keyboard). And Koln, of course, is German for poop chute. Which, didn�t smell as bad as you might think.

Cologne has the prettiest cathedral from the outside I think I've seen. Baroque to the point of looking unreal -- more like the seahorse skeleton of a cathedral. (Sorry no pics. Working.) Didn't see much of the city, actually. Travel and work that day. People were very nice and again, just sort of stupidly good-looking. Not fashion conscious like the French and Italians -- jeans and T-shirts, they look like Midwesterners in dress � maybe Midwesterners who work out a lot.

Some of my readers in Cologne - most of them were this good-looking
Beside me is actor Christian Ullman, who has his own show on German TV. Behind us, more of my readers. I think we can see a spirit that unites our two countries around my books: total goofiness.

From Cologne to Berlin was one yellow rape-seed field after another -- dotted with massive windmills (see below) and broken up by small but dense forests.

Berlin is sort of a bear of a city. That's the city symbol, the bear, and the way that San Francisco has painted hearts all over the city, and Chicago has painted cows, they have painted bears (standing up on their hind feet) everywhere, , sort of looking wildly out of place because of their whimsy among such an imposing gray hulk of a city. I suppose there's something to be said for reducing a city to rubble and rebuilding it all at once. That's why San Francisco has its "Victorian Charm" and Paris has that consistent
"Restoration/2nd Empire Look" thanks to the Prussians shelling the shit out of it in 1870 and Hauptsberg (sp?)building up the slums around the Louvre Palace. Berlin is like a monument to modern design, with the architecture of the post-war rebuild (and let's face it, the 50s and 60s were not high points in architecture) giving way to all sorts of glass and chrome spirals and glass monoliths. Every German city seems to have some sort of a space needle, but Berlin's is a giant ball speared five-hundred feet up on a great stainless
spike -- like the cocktail onion just plucked from a leviathan Gibson . It houses a TV studio, a restaurant, and office space. The train station looks like the cathedral to a religion that worships safety glass. It's probably five blocks in every direction green glass with very little stainless framing. Everything except the space needle seems to have giant shoulders: the Brandenburg Gate, the Parliament building, even the Sony Center -- another Sci-fi glass complex that would make San Francisco's Sony Metreon want to crawl under the Bay Bridge and slit it's own shiny throat in humiliation.

MILAN
Anyway, I do go on. Sorry, I'm just trying to avoid thinking about the miserable hotel we're in here in Milan. Oh my fucking God eight pound. baby-Jesus on a fucking pogo stick, did the people on Travelocity lie! You know what should be in the reviews, I mean, besides that it's clean, or that it's not far from a train station or the Domo? I mean besides that there are nearby restaurants and clubs, as well as ATMs and a gelato place? They should mention THAT IT'S ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE PRISON! That's
something I sort of need to know. Something I want to know. It makes a difference in my hotel choice. Not only does our room overlook what appears to be the test track for Moto Guzzi, and it has (and I'm not kidding) bulletproof storm shutters you lower instead of having black out drapes (did I mention that I'm not kidding?) There a graffito on the prison wall across from our room,
that says, "Libre Fabio!" (Again, not kidding, I'll send pics if I can.) I was all, "I didn't even know that Fabio was in prison. Obviously taken down on a butter counterfeiting charge." But it turns out that there are many criminals in Italy named Fabio, so it's probably not THE Fabio.

There's a long list of things about Milan that I could note -- like, why I see now why we import our criminals from here. There are
only two things a Milanese person should be: a seventy-year-old man in a driving hat arguing with other old men in front of the
espresso place, or a seventeen year old girl trying to look sophisticated. Both of those Milanesians are just adorable. Other than that, they either look like criminals (mostly pimps) or coke whores. After being around Germans for a week, I have a new appreciation for what skeezy, snotty motherfuckers the Milanese are. I'm reserving my judgment on the rest of the Italians, but if they measure up, I think it's regrettable that that Germans didn't clean the sleaze-bags out of this country when the Italians thought they were friends. And yes, my opinion has largely been formed based on the desk clerk at our hotel who is probably, at this moment, arranging a conjugal visit for one of the neighboring convicts with some grimacing coke whore in giant sunglasses and silver baby-skin leather spiked heels who will pretend to be his wife so he can shag her against the bulletproof shutters of the room next to ours and she won't even bother to remove her sunglasses, the cigarette from her lip, or her spiky infant-skin shoes while Fabio pounds away at her like a great, sleazy sewer/rat
jackhammer, and the desk clerk films the whole thing and then projects in on the kitchen walls for the staff in the morning while he
urinates into the espresso machine.

We will probably be changing hotels. Probably.

Later, after we moved...

Okay. Then next day. We changed hotels to a place near the Duoma. (Italian for Cathedral). Much better. Everyone is dressed
beautifully. Don't get me wrong, the guys still look like criminals, just more up-scale,international criminals. And the women only look
like coke whores when they are standing still. That's the problem with the new anti-smoking laws that are being implemented around
Europe: when you stand by a doorway smoking, while wearing tall "come-fuck-me" pumps, a short skirt, and lots of make-up, well,
you kind of look like you're working. I'm just saying. While downtown Milan is much nicer than the prison district, it's still a great
place to find people who look like they are selling sex or drugs. And Milan, don't blame me for for pointing this out, but if you didn't
want to seem like a skanky whore, you shouldn't have put a shopping mall on one side of your cathedral and a jumbotron running
lingerie ads on the other. Maybe if you'd taken a little time between worshiping your mothers and selling your sisters you might have
heard the story about Jesus driving the money changers out of the temple. What I'm saying is, there is a point where shoes can
become too fucking important. But I give Milan credit: it's not easy to be more narcissitic than Los Angeles, more vain than Paris,
more sleazy than Las Vegas, more smug than San Francisco, and more rude than New York, all at the same time.

More as soon as I get a decent connection...

Ciao!tale.

comments

The Blog :: Random Travel Notes:Germany, Milan, Lake Como

Author: chris
Subject: Random Travel Notes:Germany, Milan, Lake Como
Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 2:02 am (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Really having trouble findind time and an internet connection at the same time, but here's a general update. First, Get aquainted with some more of the nice people from Frankfurt.

Heidi was from the Alps region of Bavaria and was not quite sure how to
get acquainted with men in the big city of Frankfurt.

Dieter knew that his luck would change as soon as he got to
touch the legendary Christmas Muslim.

Erik always traveled with a large group of close friends.

While Lars preferred one close friend, with whom he could be "intimate".

The seeing-eye dog concept is different in Germany. Here Greta und Marta show the way to their retriever Schwienfleich, who, although not blind, can't see shit without his glasses.

Here we see the age-old tradition of trading your soul for something shiny.

Fatima takes a break from hating us for our freedom to enjoy her oppression as a woman of the Muslim faith.

Markus was relatively sure that there'd been a kid in there
not five minutes ago. He suspected his wife would be angry with him.

And so we leave Frankfurt, on to Munich and Cologne:

While the German trains are very advanced, they are years behind in their camouflage technology. Here a bullet train fails miserably at blending into nature.

Along the way, we pass the factory where Fox News Commentators are manufactured.

After being soaked in hatred and ignorance, they are fired out of this cannon.

People on the train read the day's news. This is the front page. I don't understand much German, but whoever this politician is, she's getting my vote.

More Germany later, but for now, a little bit of Italy:

The first place we stayed, was rated tops in Routards (tards with butter) in 2006 and 2008. They lost their rating in 2007 while they were uptarding.

All the bathrooms in Italy have an extra bowl for washing your junk. Note the muffin towels as well as the port on the wall, which I presume is the blow dryer.

Speaking of junk, being secure in my masculinity,
I would have totally bought this car we saw in Milan,
except I couldn't fit my huge junk into it.

Later, near Lake Como:

The Giordanos only get one channel, but if you watch it long enough you can bleed from the palms and feet, so, better than cable, really.

The Authorguy is surprised in his hotel room by a paparazzi.

Here he regains his composure and once again exudes profound coolness. (Shut up, it could happen.)

More later. The waitress at this internet cafe is giving me the Italian Stink Eye.

Ciao!

Comments:http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=196895#196895

The Blog :: Live from Frankfurt

Author: chris
Subject: Live from Frankfurt
Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 12:48 am (GMT -7)
Topic Replies: 0

Live from Frankfurt

Okay, kids, I'm in Germany. Germans are really nice. They seem like Americans until they start talking, at which point, well, they seem way more German. (And when they speak English, they are a little better at it than we are.) But they look like us. More than French or Italians or alien insect people do.

I've taken upon myself to personally apologize to every single German person for our president being a fucking idiot. This may take up much of my free time here.

On the cultural differences file: They put a tiny bag of Gummi bears on your pillow in the hotel at night. I'm not kidding.

I've always been a little dubious about the practice of the mint on the pillow -- you know, nothing like a little bit of sugar and caffeine right before a good night's rest. Sure, Gummi bears are way better. Then, around four in the morning, as I was still trying to tongue errant bear bits out of my molars, I thought, "not so much."

Comments:http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=195569#195569