At First

okay, so bring it on...
_________________
it is my lot in life to meet every ass hole on the planet and admire them for some quality that they possess that most others do not see b/c they can not see beyond the ass holiness ~permanently perplexed

hmmmm...

well. I really liked it, the story. So I finished it, and I really, really like it, but it's kinda hard to read.

grammar aside, it just seems like you were so excited to get the story out that you didn't take your time with telling it. And you really need a synonym for world in that first paragraph. It felt like a sestina, unless, of course, that was what you were going for.

But you have great ideas, and I really want to know more. Who is this flea, and why is he the first one to show up? What is Will going to discover; it seems a lot like that movie, "what dreams may come" and I LOVE that movie. But the story telling was a bit rushed. I didn't feel like I was there, experiencing it, I felt like I was being pushed through it.

because I really like the story, I ask that you reread it to yourself very slowly, and try to see some of the holes, and stiltedness. I think this could be a great story. You had me at the first line, really. I think the idea is captivating, but I got a little lost in trying to follow you. You moved too quickly for me. I wanted more information; more description.

good luck; I can't wait to read more!
_________________
I will gladly ravage you Tuesday for a ravaging today...

Brave attempt. But the theory is wrong.
_________________
Your religion, you miserable man, begins in your stomach and ends in a lavatory - Nodar Dumbadze

Quote:

lisa said: Brave attempt. But the theory is wrong.

you don't know, are you a flea?
_________________
it is my lot in life to meet every ass hole on the planet and admire them for some quality that they possess that most others do not see b/c they can not see beyond the ass holiness ~permanently perplexed

Quote:

urhangovergirl said: grammar aside, it just seems like you were so excited to get the story out that you didn't take your time with telling it. And you really need a synonym for world in that first paragraph. It felt like a sestina, unless, of course, that was what you were going for. But you have great ideas, and I really want to know more. Who is this flea, and why is he the first one to show up? What is Will going to discover; it seems a lot like that movie, "what dreams may come" and I LOVE that movie. But the story telling was a bit rushed. I didn't feel like I was there, experiencing it, I felt like I was being pushed through it. because I really like the story, I ask that you reread it to yourself very slowly, and try to see some of the holes, and stiltedness. I think this could be a great story. You had me at the first line, really. I think the idea is captivating, but I got a little lost in trying to follow you. You moved too quickly for me. I wanted more information; more description. good luck; I can't wait to read more!

you're right i did rush through it, must be the ADD

That technically was the whole story, but your questions make a lot of sense and I realize I left out a great deal of information, so I think I will improve on the fine details. I've never seen What Dreams May Come, but I did have to read a book called The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom, and that helped to influence the idea a bit.

Really, the grammar? oh no! I tried so hard... it is a rough draft though (like the third or fourth, ) back to the grammar board...
_________________
it is my lot in life to meet every ass hole on the planet and admire them for some quality that they possess that most others do not see b/c they can not see beyond the ass holiness ~permanently perplexed

I'd be more than happy to help you with the grammar, and don't fret, because as much of a grammar nazi as I am, I can't even proof my own work. It's hard!

that was it? hmmm. I don't feel like there was a whole lot of resolution there...maybe it will come in the beefing up of the story

what dreams may come is a GREAT movie with Robin Williams! And, it just has that feel to it. Learning lessons in the afterlife, feel.
_________________
I will gladly ravage you Tuesday for a ravaging today...

Sorry, I meant to get around to this earlier

I really enjoyed reading 'At First.'
Fun and interesting!

Fleshed out a bit - slower pacing, a little more explanation or back story - I think it would definitely make for an excellent short story.

Your version of the afterlife was a neat twist on alternate realities in which all probabilities occur.
_________________
Homeless people need more seasoning, use bath salts.