Anatomy of a Self-Absorbed Negative Review

This is my "measured response" to moronic negative reviews on Amazon. Thought you'd all get a kick out of it. "The Fan" is specifically aimed at 1-Star reviews AuthorGuy (undeservedly) gets all the time. Enjoy.

Quote:

For the purposes of this demonstration, I will be using the name of the completely fictional New York Times Bestselling Author, Clyde T. Abraham. His first novel, Bedtime for Brontosaurus (2005), was mildly successful. His second novel Sex and Shopping for Boneheaded, Shallow Women (2008), a biting social satire was met with universal critical acclaim. His much anticipated third novel, The Right Fielder, a tale about a professional baseball player that loses both his arms in some kind of horrific accident, has just hit bookstore shelves in hardcover. It was well received in its debut week. Naturally, it wasn't as successful as Sex and Shopping, but it raked in enough cash for his publisher to renew his contract for three more books. All things considered, The Right Fielder is an above-average reading experience. ...but some reviewers on Amazon.com are not happy. The Fan I am a true fan of Clyde T. Abraham. I read both Brontosaurus and Sex and Shopping and loved them both. Did I mention that I am a die-hard fan? Well, I am. We have been waiting three years for his third novel, and we got… THIS! As a loyal CTA fan, I was completely let down. It was forced, unfunny and not up to Abraham's standards for wittiness. As a fan, I felt betrayed by Right Fielder's lack of creativity. It's about a baseball player who overcomes the adversity of having both his arms cut off. How uninteresting, and I can say this because I am, in fact, a big fan of his last two novels. I don't like not finishing books, especially books by this author, as I am a huge fan, so I pushed through to the end. This whole experience has left me with a sour taste in my mouth regarding Mr. Abraham. I was a big fan of his until this, but for his next book I think I'll wait for the paperback. Did I mention I'm a fan and that qualifies me to be unnecessarily mean and have ridiculously high expectations? Well, it does. Because I'm a fan. It sucks because it sucks! About 200 pages into this book, I did something I've never done before. I snapped it shut, decided to cut my losses, breathed a sigh of relief when I tracked down the receipt, and returned it to the bookstore, wiping my hands clean. 200 pages in! I'm so glad I stopped wasting my time. Now I have time to get online and tell all of you about how much it sucks so you don't have to suffer in its suckiness like I did. So, like I said, this book just sucks. Don't ask me why, just know that's it’s the worst book that I have ever read. And I read a lot. Just look at the rest of my reviews and you'll find that I do absolutely nothing else but write scathing reviews for things I don't like, so I know suck when I see suck. I have never written a creative word in my life, but even so, I know bad writing when I see it, and this is it. Don't think that I'm excessively negative for no reason. I don't know why everybody keeps saying that. My husband even says it’s one of the reasons he won't have sex with me anymore. But maybe if he didn't suck at making love to me so much I wouldn't have to keep telling him that while he's still inside me. But I'm getting away from the point. This book sucks. Stay away from it. The Non-Believer I picked this book up with the hopes that it would have the same witty humor guided by logic and reason as his last two books. But boy was I so off-put when I found out that Mr. Abraham actually has a personal belief system based on traditional Christian values and this book makes passing allusions to them. I now cannot take anything Mr. Abraham has ever said or will ever say seriously again. I mean, really! How can somebody actually believe in God and Jesus and have the audacity to express those views through his fiction?! Believing in things is just WRONG, unless you believe the way I believe. If you are gun-toting, cross-wearing, Jesus-lover who hates black people and listens to Glenn Beck, then this tripe is totally for you. Me, I'm a free thinker. Religions and cults have poisoned the American thought process, making people unable to come to their own conclusions that God doesn't exist. Thank goodness we have great men like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens to let us know how to think free and not be bigots like those stupid, STUPID people who believe in God. I just hate them SO MUCH! ARRGGGH! Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh right, The Right Fielder. Sorry, just people who believe in things just make me so mad that I kind of lose focus on what the hell is going on around me. Bottom line, this book is stupid and will make you stupid if you read it. The Disgruntled Consumer ONE STAR BECAUSE AMAZON SCREWED SOMETHING UP, SO I AM GOING TO DRAG DOWN THE RATING OF THE PRODUCT ITSELF BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THESE WEBSITES ACTUALLY WORK. WHY WON'T MY COMPUTER TYPE IN LOWERCASE? THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR LIKE THREE WEEKS, IT'S REALLY ANNOYING!

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Scruffy|SRD Books

What was the quote about opinions & assholes?
Nevermind, I'm sure somebody'll remember it...

In the meantime, here's a little something to restore your faith in readers:

Boota wrote:

Saw someone reading my newest book, Picking On retards, today while I was out. I commented, "Picking On Retards, hmm?" and the lady began to staunchly defend the book, saying that it was really a very positive book. Not to let the title bother me. I didn't tell her I was the one who wrote it. Very cool having someone else defend it for awhile.

Ben Tripp, who wrote Rise Again: A Zombie Novel got an email from a reader saying that she put the book down when she realized there were gay characters in it. She said "adding gays loses readers, how is that a good business move?"

She's upset about gays. In a zombie book. srsly.

All kinds of dumbass people out there. And boy oh boy do they love to tell people how they feel.

LIW

ps - apparently no one ever told her that writing fiction is not a good business move in the first place.

LostInWalmart wrote:

Ben Tripp, who wrote Rise Again: A Zombie Novel got an email from a reader saying that she put the book down when she realized there were gay characters in it. She said "adding gays loses readers, how is that a good business move?" She's upset about gays. In a zombie book. srsly. All kinds of dumbass people out there. And boy oh boy do they love to tell people how they feel. LIW ps - apparently no one ever told her that writing fiction is not a good business move in the first place.

Yeah, it seems like she has her priorities misplaced. "-wait, REALLY?! The gay guy? That's your biggest problem?"

And totally, man. Writing fiction, especially in regards to independent publishing, doesn't exactly rake in tons of cash. Trust me, I know. But I have reconciled myself to that, which is quite freeing and pretty much lets me write whatever I want.
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Scruffy|SRD Books

I rather liked this review:
http://www.amazon.com/review/R12K9GJT1NN6V