The Zen of Airport Security

And when the seatbelt light went off, he was enlightened!

Get the guy some meds.


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You can't have the laptop in the bag, no.... it has to be all by itself. XD
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Slowly returning from the hell pit that is college. I hope. D:

I have a pen that has one of those zip drive/usb thingys in it. So it's shaped like a "weapon" apparantly, but it has electrical parts in it. THIS is bad. I KEPT FUCKING FORGETTING TO TAKE IT OUT OF MY LAPTOP CASE.

Is it bad to sigh deeply when you are getting patted down by a "female assist?" Finally took the fucker apart.

Travelling SUCKS sweaty elephant balls coated with cow smegma.

Though it often provides some good fiction fodder.

I have a system now ... the order which I put my stuff on the belt. Shoes first, then suitcase, empty laptop bag, then laptop. That way I put my shoes back on, pull my case down, open my laptop bag, and shove my computer back in. That is ... When the laptop bag isn't confiscated because of the pen/zip gadget.

Dave Barry's Big Trouble (the book, not the movie, they ruined it in the movie) had a very funny airport security scene.
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*nods her head in agreement* now lets all ask this question


at a time like this?

simple!





and then
see? he can do anything he wants! and attract crowds from all over the world.
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knikkki wrote:

Travelling SUCKS sweaty elephant balls coated with cow smegma.

Gosh ... that's not very zen or lady like, is it?
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knikkki wrote:

I have a pen that has one of those zip drive/usb thingys in it. So it's shaped like a "weapon" apparantly, but it has electrical parts in it. THIS is bad. I KEPT FUCKING FORGETTING TO TAKE IT OUT OF MY LAPTOP CASE. Is it bad to sigh deeply when you are getting patted down by a "female assist?" Finally took the fucker apart. Travelling SUCKS sweaty elephant balls coated with cow smegma. Though it often provides some good fiction fodder. I have a system now ... the order which I put my stuff on the belt. Shoes first, then suitcase, empty laptop bag, then laptop. That way I put my shoes back on, pull my case down, open my laptop bag, and shove my computer back in. That is ... When the laptop bag isn't confiscated because of the pen/zip gadget. Dave Barry's Big Trouble (the book, not the movie, they ruined it in the movie) had a very funny airport security scene.

bah, when I flew to Texas, I forgot there was a vibrator in that bag somewhere... and some other unmentionables.. the guy demans I open it up, then he sees it,
"ok carry on!"
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knikkki wrote:

knikkki wrote: Travelling SUCKS sweaty elephant balls coated with cow smegma. Gosh ... that's not very zen or lady like, is it?

You're being funny again.

Re: The Zen of Airport Security

"The fingernail scissors in your bag are not-self. They must be confiscated...do not be attached."

What is the sound of your flight leaving
With you not on it?

"Does a big belt buckle have Buddha-nature?" "Not on your life, buddy...take it off and send it through the scanner. Mu."

Airport security guard in New Mexico: $5.40/hour. Entry-level worker at the McDonalds down the road: $7.80/hour. Life is suffering.

Shuzan held out the offending gum wrapper that had set off the metal detector and said, "If you call this a gum wrapper, you oppose its reality. If you do not call it a gum wrapper, you ignore the fact. Now what do you wish to call this?" "I call it terrorism, buddy...now put your hands on the wall and spread 'em."

Zen Master Unmon said: "The world is vast and wide. Why do you take off your shoes at the sight of a boarding gate?"

One day as Manjusri stood outside the metal detector, the Buddha called to him, "Manjusri, Manjusri, why do you not enter?" Manjusri replied, "I do not see myself as outside. Why enter?" The Buddha clubbed Manjusri to the ground and called for backup.

Many flights leave from
This boarding gate
But at the destination
We all gaze at the
Same bright moon
- Ikkyu, sorta

I stand on one leg like a crane
Lost in the moment
While the other passengers gaze at me angrily
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
- Uncyu




If you meet the Buddha on the Internet, killfile him.

How many of you have experienced the latest screening device? I first encountered it at JAX. It looks like a portal from some old sci-fi movie. I had already removed my shoes, but then I had to put them back on to enter the portal, which had two footprints on the floor to show you precisely where to stand. The gate was closed in front with a security guy right behind it, to tell you what to do in case you hadn't read the instructions on the sign next to it. You're instructed to stand still, do not move! I think you're allowed to breathe. Then short puffs of air come out of the holes in the sides of the portal. Then it takes a minute to think about what that air has revealed. Finally, you're released from those footprints and can proceed to the next stage of screening, for which you still have to take off your shoes. But you're A-OK approved as not concealing anything that could possibly be a bomb. Well, except for those pesky shoes. Still not sure about them.

When I left DCA last time, there was one portal. I managed to avoid that line.

TSA, gotta love 'em. They're always looking for new ways to make your airport experience interesting.

"Here, let me stick this nice electronic wand in your crotch."

I flew every other week for about 4 months last year, and am proud to say I concealed a lighter both in my baggage (Zippo) and carry on (shitty cheap disposable) on every single fucking flight.

Anarchy, baby, that's what I'm talkin' about!

Joshu began the study of Zen when he was sixty years old and continued until he was eighty, when he realized Zen.

He taught from the age of eighty until he was one hundred and twenty.

A student once asked him: "If I haven't anything in my mind, what shall I do?"

Joshu replied: "Get a job with airport security."
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Sara Leigh wrote:

How many of you have experienced the latest screening device? I first encountered it at JAX.

They have these bomb sniffers to get into the Statue of Liberty now too. Maybe they insert GW propoganda into your brain via inhalation.

Knikki, I admire your system and organization. I just frantically throw stuff into the boxes and hope I don't take too long. The people behind me always seem impatient, so I try to feign patience with whomever is in front of me.
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Wire bra on, Wire bra off.
Cat out of carrier, put cat through scanner just in case no metal in cat, cat out of arms, chase cat through terminal, catch cat, put cat back in carrier, miss plane.

If you think I'm kidding, it actually happened at Logan Airport. I'm not bright enough to make these things up.

Jilly wrote:

Wire bra on, Wire bra off. Cat out of carrier, put cat through scanner just in case no metal in cat, cat out of arms, chase cat through terminal, catch cat, put cat back in carrier, miss plane. If you think I'm kidding, it actually happened at Logan Airport. I'm not bright enough to make these things up.

Opps, lol
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