2008 campaign promises
I want to run for President. Here’s my 2008 radio campaign:
Derek Parker is:
"Let's slather Michael Vick with BBQ sauce and lock him in a cage with ten very large, very hungry dogs."
"Screw legislation. How about you kids just do your fucking HW? Is that so much to ask?"
“Welfare? Are you kidding? Everyone’s a lottery ticket away from poverty.”
Not so tough on global warming"Seriously, it was 70 degrees this February. That's amazing! If that's global warming, I'll be outside emptying three aerosol cans a day."
"Now with 25% more bleach, I’ll help keep your whites looking their whitest."
Tough on the War on Terror and other abstractions"It's time to bring our nation's youths back home. I want to replace all of our ground troops with giant bears. That'd be awesome!
"Imagine this scene: You're Ahmed, Iraq's #3 terrorist. You leave your hut. It's sunny and bright. You think to yourself, "Gee, what a wonderful day. Maybe I'll go down to the market where they're stoning a woman for cheating on her husband, or maybe down to the lake." You're feeling good about your rock-throwing arm, but before you can decide on the day's festivities you spy a large figure off in the distance. You're frozen in terror. 50 yards away from your hut is a bear -- a bear in US army fatigues, standing, holding a semiautomatic.
"As you gain your composure, you think, ‘Maybe there's a chance I can overtake this bear.’ Turning around to enter your hut you walk straight into the chest of a bear in US army fatigues. WHAT?!?! The bear lifts his paw - *SWAT!!!* WINNIE THE POOH JUST SNUFFED YOUR ASS, AHMED!!! Your last dying thought is, ‘was that same bear off in the distance?’ No! That was a decoy bear! You just got bear double teamed!!! But guess what, it could have been just one bear. The bear you saw off in the distance could have been at your front door in nanoseconds. Our US Army will have lightning-quick hyper-bears, but we’ll still stress the importance of teamwork. Cause that's what makes America great!
"And what’s Osama to think when his loyal troops are being picked off one by one by homicidal bears? He knows the bears will be coming for him soon enough. Maybe he’ll try to come up with a plan of escape. He’ll sit down on his couch and stare distantly at the Afghan blanket adorning the wall, or at the bearskin rug adorning his floor. And before Osama has time to wonder when he brought a bearskin rug from Bed, Burkha, and Beyond, he’ll notice the bearskin rug is wearing US army fatigues. “OH, SHIT!! CAMOUFLAGED BEAR!!!” will be the last thing Osama thinks when he's attacked by the bear that just emerged from the bear-shaped hole in floor."
Hooray for write-in votes!
Homeless people need more seasoning, use bath salts.