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Letters to Santa
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Lauren



Joined: 07 Mar 2004
Posts: 1582
Location: Massachusetts
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Dear Santa,

It's been years since I've written, mostly because I've been embarrassed. Now that I'm older, I'm realizing you may not even remember my last letter, or perhaps it made you chuckle and you set it aside. I did still get presents that year, and in the years since, so you probably aren't all that mad at me after all. Still, I'd like to open with an apology.

I'm sorry for opening my yearly missive, when I was six, with "Dear Santa, for Christmas I demand..."

I'll be honest with you, my original greeting was "For Christmas I would like," but my uncle Michael was standing over my shoulder, "helping" me, and he's kind of a dick. I'm not trying to shuffle off the blame. It was, after all, my letter. I could have waited until he wandered off, interested in other things, and rewritten it, but I didn't. An uncle, I thought back then, is an authority figure, and he wouldn't steer me wrong - especially not in composing one of the most important letters of a first-grader's life. (I won't go into how I've learned that that isn't true at all. I'm fairly certain he's been on your naughty list for a long, long time.)

So, I let the greedy-sounding opening stand, and in the twenty-three years since, I've felt there was this...gap between us - an awkwardness between a girl and her saint-turned-jolly-elf that hadn't been there before, one we simply don't talk about, so as not to open old wounds. Now that I'm an adult, I think it's time to face up to it, patch things up and see what we can salvage. Can we try starting over? Please?

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I would like:

-A new floor in the kitchen.
-No more instant books about the current scandal-of-the-moment. Chances are I'll have to sell them, and it drains my soul.
-The stuff AG asked for.
-A bookstore of my very own. (Can I have Lib, too?)

Oh, and a pony.

I've been pretty good this year. Maybe not great - I've been kind of snarky, but I haven't lied under oath or voted against health care for poor kids, either.

Missed you, Santa.

-Lauren
_________________
Well, I guess you left me with some feathers in my hand.

Post Thu Nov 01, 2007 7:47 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address ICQ Number
oldfist



Joined: 31 Oct 2007
Posts: 5
Location: Detroit, MI
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Dear Mr. Claus:
Borrowing from the esteemed Author Guy, nothing for the dumbfucks. Please. The dumbfucks screw up all the cool toys. I wanted to be in Starfleet so bad when I was a kid (Kirk's Starfleet, you bastards!) so I could whip out a communicator, y'know? Talk like a man with a mission wearing my neon shirt and koulots. Now I see a cell phone, I throw up a little in my mouth. Santa, can I punch 'em inna throat? When phasers arrive, they'll use them to warm up their styrofoam latte cups right in front of me. Trailer park kids will find a way to get high off them, hoochies will tuck them into their buttcrack thongs, and there'll be a billion commercials talking about which phaser recharging plan is best. So no more Bluetooth Borg implants for stupid people (and we all know stupid is as stupid does). No way in hell you're going to convince me those dumbasses have been good. I know good. I've done good. I've been good in bed. I've rocked the hell out of Gibraltar on at least one quantifiable occasion...and an exquisitely-crafted womanly orgasm should be all any man should ever seek to create and afterward seek nothing more...but I'm here to be greedy and humble and ask, Please, Santa, please: no more dumbfucks.

I think that would clear up a whole lot of things.

If forced sterilization is not quite where you want to go with the elves and spreading cheer and all, I ask in all sincerity for un unbridled night of sexual relations with the actress Rosario Dawson.

And please create an identical twin sister for her who'll get jealous and want to join in.

Amen.
_________________
The story you think you're telling is never the one that's being told.

Post Thu Nov 01, 2007 8:55 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
wino



Joined: 24 Jul 2007
Posts: 7
Location: Napa
Dear Santa,  Reply with quote  

Do you really see everything?

In that case, you are one sick puppy! Well, I am one sick puppy, but at least I am not watching sick'os like me!


You should be embarrassed!

Post Thu Nov 01, 2007 11:11 pm   View user's profile Send private message
zendao42



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you
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oldfist wrote:

I've been good in bed. I've rocked the hell out of Gibraltar on at least one quantifiable occasion...and an exquisitely-crafted womanly orgasm should be all any man should ever seek to create and afterward seek nothing more...


Dear oldfist,

Santa outsources some of the judgement calls on just how good or bad you are these days
& guess who will be judging your performance for this year... Wink

I'll pass on the request for no dumbfucks, but you're on your own for the rest of it.

Post Fri Nov 02, 2007 4:32 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Butch the Vizsla



Joined: 12 Sep 2006
Posts: 558
Location: Branford, CT
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Dear Santa:

I just wanted to clear the air between us, as there has obviously been some confusion lately.

It's a total coincidence that I happen to know Mrs. Claus likes to dress up as a french maid and be called Babette while getting a little slap and tickle from behind. It was just a lucky guess on my part. I have no first hand knowledge of this.

For Christmas this year it would be great if you could bring me:
"Hey, My Grandma is a Whore, Volume 11" on DVD.

Thanks!
_________________
I'll flip you - flip you for real
-Fenster

Post Fri Nov 02, 2007 9:20 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Joelibris



Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 7557
Location: Kraptapolis, NC, U. S. of DUH-HUH
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gracie wrote:
i want something that goes with the word "multiple"


Sclerosis?
Personalities?
Gunshot wounds?
_________________
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
delusional minority and by the mainstream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Post Fri Nov 02, 2007 6:07 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
chris
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 3833
Location: People Republic of Northern California
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Joelibris wrote:
gracie wrote:
i want something that goes with the word "multiple"


Sclerosis?
Personalities?
Gunshot wounds?



Dude, when Santa dies, you are totally not getting his job.

Post Fri Nov 02, 2007 6:21 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Joelibris



Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 7557
Location: Kraptapolis, NC, U. S. of DUH-HUH
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chris wrote:
Joelibris wrote:
gracie wrote:
i want something that goes with the word "multiple"


Sclerosis?
Personalities?
Gunshot wounds?



Dude, when Santa dies, you are totally not getting his job.


Eh. Who'd want a gay Santa anyway? "Dear Chris, we ran out of zombie dvd's, so here's "The Sound of Music", "State Fair", and "South Pacific". Love and Kisses, Santa"
_________________
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
delusional minority and by the mainstream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."


Last edited by Joelibris on Fri Nov 02, 2007 6:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Fri Nov 02, 2007 6:34 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
sgt_steve



Joined: 18 Jan 2005
Posts: 5197
Location: Michissippi
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gracie wrote:
i want something that goes with the word "multiple"
Felony convictions?
Births?
Contusions?

Post Fri Nov 02, 2007 6:35 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Ginjg



Joined: 04 Sep 2004
Posts: 6617
Location: Los Angeles
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Gracie's such a generous girl. She's asked for some thing Santa will enjoy at the same time.
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To Learn is to Know
To Know is to Love
To Love is our aim

~~~~~~~

Why should we bother with immortality when we are eternal?

Post Fri Nov 02, 2007 11:46 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
mllefifi



Joined: 28 Jan 2006
Posts: 8964
Location: Deleoware
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gracie wrote:
i want something that goes with the word "multiple"

Orgasms!

Wink
_________________
"If you allow yourself to be offended, then you're a bit of [a] nitwit."
(Christopher Moore)

Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 4:10 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
FattyFattyPorkFace



Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 6381
Location: Michigan
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All I want for Christmas
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Twitter: jefftunes

Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 2:50 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
lisa



Joined: 10 Apr 2004
Posts: 6789
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I need to smoke.
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Your religion, you miserable man, begins in your stomach and ends in a lavatory - Nodar Dumbadze

Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 9:47 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
RedOrcaMoon



Joined: 17 Jun 2005
Posts: 2399
Location: someplace...probably inside my head or in another world
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Dear Santa,
Hi there. Its me, Nicole. Itís been a while since I have written to you. Yes I understand. But you have to realize that I have been working very hard to make myself be stronger emotionally and physically. I have been studying very hard. Well ok so I slack off a bit but I do work hard. So I have a fairly good list for a kid who tries to make an honest living. I work hard at the grocery store, and I donít complain as much as I used to. I kick people out of the fire lane because they arenít supposed to do it. I make sure my parents keep the chimney fire unlit at Christmas time. But o tell me, we didnít have a chimney in Florida in Big Daddyís condo (my grandfather). How did you come in? the front door? I assume you could since the door was always unlocked as was the patio door. I am pretty sure you know what I have been up to. And I did stop a guy from commiting suicide. So thatís a good deed right? He is a really sweet guy.
What I want for Christmas is a new friend, I really miss Peter a lot. So could you please send me a cat or a rabbit? That I can hold and cuddle? If itís a cat, I want her to be special, one who will sleep on my shoulder and sleep next to me all the time. I would also like more orca stuffed animals to increase my ever growing pod. Help us make a new panda in DC so that we donít have to resort to Gao Gao again. I wish to have a better job than what I have now so I can afford to pay the rent to Mattís mom. I wish for Anthony to be rewarded with a female he can call his own. Make her be a punk, anime lover who loves wrestling, and is very sweet and caring. A woman who is pretty and perfect to him and wont care about his eyesight or that he is a huge tall guy with a big body. I wish for Mom to no longer be depressed and for dad to be better than he is, and make him be able to look me and mom in the eyes and tell us we are beautiful. Hmm I suppose I could do with some more copies of Lamb and for more Dr. Cube stuff. But I really want my friends to be happy. I also wish to see my Friend Shahad ďJesusĒ again. And please Santa, can you find a sweet girl for my friend at the beer and wine store? he really needs a woman who can cook and love him for who he is. Hmm I guess thatís it. Well ok one more thing, bring me a girl who is a special girl. One that I can have as a pet, I need a female who is like a golita who loves wrestling as well and I need her to be super smart and nice as well as sweet. Maybe have me make some more tips so I can pay my bill and get something cool again.
That is all. Love Nicole ďDizzyĒ

PS. I would really like to have a kitty again from our vetís office or a bunny. I really do miss Peter and it would be nice to have Benjamin Bunny or Roger Rabbit. Or if itís a Female, maybe Yukiko or Jessica. If itís a cat, I might name it something really cute. Dunno yet.
_________________
current pics: drawings and some photos. http://www.dizzyhellfire.deviantart.com

Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 10:38 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
coral



Joined: 05 Nov 2007
Posts: 1
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Dear Father Christmas--

I would like the very first Christmas wish. "Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards ALL People."

Thank you.

Post Mon Nov 05, 2007 11:58 am   View user's profile Send private message
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