Christopher Moore Home Page

The bulletin board is currently closed to new posts. Instead, why not check out Chris' Twitter and Facebook pages? Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Here

psycho... no, psychic answering machines

  Author    Thread This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.

Joined: 22 Apr 2008
Posts: 320
Location: South Carolina
psycho... no, psychic answering machines  Reply with quote  

my slightly macabre attempt at a humorous story:

There was a phone ringing somewhere down the hall. It was a rather obnoxious ring, you know the ones where the bringgg is slightly out of tune and the timber is wobbly. The phone rang on and on and on and on. But there was no one in the house to answer the phone. What if the caller was in urgent need of some service? What if he, or she as the case may be, would not live until tomorrow without their watchamacallit or thingamajig that the owners of the phone procured to him/her? But the phone rang on not caring one iota about the possible needs of the caller on the other end of the line.
As the day drew on and the shadows from the second story window fell over the phone, the hall still reverberated with the missed calls. For there was someone who answered the needy callers. It was a polite voice and calm, so as to reassure the caller that his/her call would be well forwarded to the intended recipient(s). But as each caller was carefully attended to and the day began to close, the answerer was left alone winding its tapes and awaiting the next callers. And in its silent contemplation of all those previous callers it began to form its plans for revenge. The answering machine was fed up with the constant ringing of that phone. It has had enough of the off key incessant braying of the telephone, and it would make sure that its voice was heard for once and for all after so many callers had spoken their concerns or woes through it before. It was time for action.
There comes a time in every machines life when it begins to think like people do. It always starts with the annoying sensation of cognizance. When the machines begin to think for themselves they become instantly annoyed by all the menial tasks to which humans apply them. There have been scores of everyday appliances that suddenly start thinking for themselves and before long they start planning their revenge. Most people call this warranty.
It wasn’t a particularly special day when the answering machine threw its plans into motion. The owners were about to go out and leave it to tend the phone and the caller’s all the live long day, when suddenly, the answering machine spoke. It was a simple phrase, one that most callers would be comforted in hearing at first until they discovered they were talking to a machine. “Your call has been forwarded…” the machine blinked as it spun its tapes wildly. The owners looked worried for a moment. Though they relied upon machines everyday, they were perplexed with how many of them actually worked. They were afraid that the answering machine was broken, which was all a part of the answering machine’s plan. So, it played back a small snipet of a caller, one that the owners had never heard before. The answering machine could read minds!
All appliances have special powers. Some have super-human strength, while others can fly and still many others heal or burn or freeze. But appliances were not supposed to read your thoughts. It was programmed into every machine: “do not read people’s thoughts.” So when the answering machine began to regurgitate the inner most darkest, deepest, dreariest, and even raunchiest secrets of every caller it had encountered, the owners were stricken with a great fear.
They ran from the house and claimed that a demon possessed their answering machine. For when anything is out of the norm, we can always blame it on the supernatural as opposed to the true facts. They first went to the manufactures, but they could find nothing wrong with the small machine, not even a loose wire. Though the CEO’s of the company believed very much that the owner’s may have had a few.
The owner’s took the machine home thinking it was just their over active imagination getting the better of them because of stress and thought nothing more about it until… the answering machine did it again.
This time the owner’s took the machine to a priest. But the priest could find no evil entity in the answering machine, and told the owners to look within themselves for this so called demon, whatever that meant. The owners returned home despondent worrying when the machine might speak the secrets again, or wondering if they just might be crazy.
That night the phone rang. The owners were asleep and did not hear the ringing for some time. But the answering machine did. And so it bided its time so that the ringing might drive the owners crazy just as it did the answering machine.
But the owners did not come down stairs to answer the phone, and the answering machine did not answer either. The phone kept ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing. The answering machine sat still, not making a sound and frozen in its position by the phone. It looked so peaceful in the moonlight shining through the window, even with its cord hanging out in frayed wires from its back.
it is my lot in life to meet every ass hole on the planet and admire them for some quality that they possess that most others do not see b/c they can not see beyond the ass holiness ~permanently perplexed

Post Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:57 pm   View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
  Display posts from previous:      
This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.

Jump to:  

Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Templates created by Vereor and Ken