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A short excerpt from a novel I'm writing.

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Joined: 15 Oct 2007
Posts: 7
A short excerpt from a novel I'm writing.  Reply with quote  

Nate passed by his favorite chinese restaurant on his way home, and pulled into the ‘Loading Zone Only’ spot just outside the front doors and turned on his hazard lights. He stepped through the door and heard background tones of mandolin music echoing in the crimson walled restaurant. He took in the space that he was so familiar with and fond of; his eyes immediately finding his favorite bala shark in the large fish tank in the center of the restaurant.

“Good evening, Mr. Grey, the usual tonight?” Asked the young lady standing behind the counter. Her charming smile lit her face as she recognized what was apparently one of her favorite customers. Nate surveyed her in the same manner that he’d just surveyed the restaurant. He admired her long, silky, jet black hair as she tucked it behind her ear, he watched her jaw muscles clench ever so slightly as she chewed on the back end of a pen. Now, Nate was taking in the server he was both familiar with and fond of; smiling back at her. She knows my name, she loves me. Nobody loves you, you idiot; you buy Crab Rangoon here every week, and you’re an impossibly large tipper.

“I definitely want an order of crab rangoon, Apollo loves the crunchy bits on the edges. But I’m not sure if I want the mongolian beef again. You’re the expert here, Is there anything you recommend?”

“We recently hired a new chef, he’s added a garlic, sake grilled chicken breast to the menu. It’s served with broccoli and scallions, on the traditional bed of steamed white rice. It’s terrific, I think you’ll love it, Nate.” You hear that? She knows my first name, and she knows my tastes, she totally loves me.

Just order your food and don’t make an ass of yourself.

“Ok, Kim, I’ll try that. But If it’s not good, you’re the person I’m calling to yell at, got it?” Nate’s smile was returned with relish. He told Kim that he’d head into his car just outside to wait for the food to be cooked, and he headed out.

Nate was just about done replaying that conversation in his head when Kim had swung the scarlet, dragon adorned door to the restaurant open, and stepped out with a brown paper bag in hand.

“There you go, Nate, curbside service. Have a goodnight. See you soon, I hope.”

“The next time I want some chinese food, Kim, unless I don’t like the chicken.
‘Night.” Nate drove away rather more quickly than he normally would have done.

Well? Nate’s subconscious prompted him to replay that short conversation again. His eyes shot open and he sighed, disgusted with himself. There it is, you putz. ‘She loves me, She loves me’ you keep thinking, then she basically spreads her legs open for you, and you potentially fuck it up for the sake of chicken. I hate being in your head sometimes.

When Nate got home, Apollo rumbled into the foyer to greet his master, wagging his nub of a tail madly and jumping around in giddy circles. As Nate was intensely glad to see his dog, he dropped to one knee, placed the bag of chinese food on the ground and hugged his best friend tightly.

“Hey, ‘Pollo, I got you some Crab Rangoon.”

The boxer immediately shuffled over to the brown paper bag and began to sniff excitedly. For the next twenty minutes, Nate and Apollo ate together and watched an episode of Futurama.

“Fortune Cookie?” Nate asked of his pup, who sat up immediately in anticipation of the rare treat. Nate cracked the fortune cookie open and threw the fortune into the residual mess left on his plate without looking at it. He fed the pieces of the cookie to a grateful Apollo, then proceeded to clean up his mess. As he went to dump the remainder of his plate into the trash can, he glanced at the white piece of paper sticking to the detritus of his dinner and noticed the message on it didn’t reveal some Confucian wisdom, nor did it proclaim his love for Chinese food, on it was written, “Kim (773) 687-8743.” He smiled sadly at the paper and scraped it into the trash can along with the leftover grains of rice stuck to his plate.

Nate took Apollo for a long walk, and he told him about his eventful day. They got home and went to bed without a second thought of the cute waitress or how nice it might be to go out on a date. He drifted off to sleep after scratching Apollo behind his ear affectionately.

Notes: I'm curious as to what you guys think of my style as a writer, and most particularly what emotions this scene evokes. Thanks in advance.
Kinda writing a manuscript loosely inspired by Christopher Moore and Douglas Adams. Dirty Hitchhiking Vampires Sucking Lambs at the End of The Universe.

Post Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:26 pm   View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger

Joined: 05 Feb 2008
Posts: 12
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in a word? this scene? lonesomeness. or is it loneliness? whatever....this guy seems lonely. but you DID use detrius......niiiice.

Post Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:25 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger

Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 162
Location: Next to the kitchen window
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Nice. The scene made me think he has Social Anxiety Disorder or something.
On the other hand, your fingers are different.

Post Wed Aug 06, 2008 7:20 pm   View user's profile Send private message

Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 44
Location: Georgia
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I like how you made Nate socially awkward around Kim. It was very believable.

Since this is only a piece of the larger pie, I can only assume this guy is lonely and ready to jump at the chance to get his hands (or glands) on Kim, so the part where he notices her phone number and scrapes it into the trash is a little unbelievable. Like I said, this assumption may be out of context with the rest of the story.

Anyway, your writing is all right. How far along are you with this work? Is the first draft complete (I noticed you posted this last year).

Post Fri Dec 05, 2008 11:59 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
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