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New blog post: The Authorguy Answers Your Questions

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Joined: 28 Jan 2006
Posts: 8964
Location: Deleoware
New blog post: The Authorguy Answers Your Questions  Reply with quote  

The Authorguy Answers Your Questions
April 9th, 2009

Well kids, you submitted your questions and hereís your answers. Submit your questions in the comments for the next edition, and remember, it doesnít have to be about me. The AuthorGuy knows all, and what he doesnít know, he will totally make up some shit aboutÖ

Rabbit inquires:
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

AuthorGuy: I would tell you, but then youíd have no reason to go on living. Just be satisfied that you would not want to see a wood chuck chuck wood. The horror! The horror! Besides, you need a time limit. Thereís too many variables in the equation. Itís a rodent thing with you, isnít it, Rabbit? Youíre just interested in rodent wood. You sick, sick bastard!

InsaneBeeYotch asks:
How come the pirates in Somali are not cool like the pirates of the Caribbean?

Authorguy: Well, Insane, I think it comes down to three major factors, Somali pirates are not as cool because they: a)Donít have big hats with feathers b)donít have parrots (or monkeys) on their shoulders, and c)are not based on an amusement park ride.

Nemotoad queries:
Whatís the deal with all the talk of monkeys in Fool.

Authorguy: When I was doing my research I found out that people in the Middle Ages were fascinated with monkeys, or the ďideaĒ of monkeys, since most had never seen one. A couple of the Medieval cathedrals I visited in the UK actually had images of monkeys in the stained glass windows along with the saints and miracles and whatnot. Besides, havenít you always wanted a monkey? (Yes, I love that line from the Bare Naked Ladies Song.)

Gari Jo Axes:
Why do zombies want to eat brains and then go shopping at IKEA?
AuthorGuy: Because brains go perfectly with flat box Scandinavian furniture. Duh.

PsychoBabble Inquires:
What is your current stance on ostriches?
AuthorGuy: I like Ďem battered and fried, with just a little hot sauce on the side.

ROCKDJ Queries
Do you think fish sauce should be renamed?
TheAuthorGuy: Yes. It should be called ďguess whatĒ sauce.

Jurceka has Three Questions:
1.Are you allergic to anything interesting? Or (an alternative in case you are not blessed with any intriguing or particularly unfortunate allergies) do you have any interesting scars, due to either background story or shape?

TheAuthorGuy: Strangely enough, I have an allergy to velociraptor dander, although mercifully, itís seasonal. I have a scar on my scalp with the number 668 Ė apparently I am The Neighbor of the Beast.

2. Did you pursue any of the careerís before this one? (I apologize if this has already been covered and I have just breezed on by.)

TheAuthorGuy: Not really careers. I had jobs, many. I was an insurance broker, grocery clerk, waiter, DJ, night auditor, roofer, it goes on and on. I actually held a number of these jobs simultaneously, so I did hang in there for a while. I wasnít switching jobs every six months or anything.

3.Do you have any personal religious affiliations or have you in the past?

TheAuthorGuy: I was Baptized Methodist. I have no idea what Methodists really are, but my book Lamb is being taught in a Methodist seminary, so thatís nice. Currently Iím a Mahayana Buddhist, but not a good one. Iím kind of a Christmas and Easter Buddhist.

Journal Ecstasy Axes:
What do you do for fun?
Authorguy: I enjoy eating and Iíve been trying to learn how to paint the last year or so. (Oil paint, on canvas, not like barn paint.) I also like to take pictures. I just donít have time to sort my pictures.

SoItGoes inquires:
You have no plans on retirement, do you?
Authorguy: Absolutely not, but males in my family usually croak before they get to my age, so I might be retired without a plan.

JustJohnB floats the interrogative:
Hey Chris, how come youíre not on Twitter? Do you think it sucks or something?

Authorguy: I am on Twitter as TheAuthorGuy, and yes, I do think it sucks. Iíve been on about a week, but itís wearing pretty thin pretty quickly. Iíll hang in for a while.

Michelle asks:
I want you to make a good living from your craft so you continue to entertain and enlighten me, so is it in YOUR best interest for me to purchase audio books, hard cover first editions, ebooks, or paperbacks? If I buy the audio books is it more profitable for you if I buy cds or download online?

AuthorGuy: Awe, thatís nice. The best way for you to make sure I get a share is to buy a hardcover when itís first out from a bookseller. Next to that, a paperback. I wonít be doing any special limited editions any more unless the books go out of print or something. That was not a pleasant experience for anyone. As for audio books, Iíd buy them from Audible or Itunes. Iím not sure how much I make, but I listen to them on my Ipod and ripping the CDs is a pain in the ass. If you listen in the car, the discs are probably best.

Laura queries:
Have you ever considered going all Mitch Albom or, less sappily, Ray Bradbury with Dandelion Wine and writing a semi-autobiographical piece? I figure if you can make Jesus funny, you could definitely add some punch to the rather soggy world of memoir.

Authorguy: Iím not sure my life is more interesting, or that people would be interested enough to want to read that. If I live to be old, Iíll think about it.

"If you allow yourself to be offended, then you're a bit of [a] nitwit."
(Christopher Moore)

Post Fri Apr 10, 2009 5:14 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address

Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 6412
Location: olympia, wa
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ok heres a question....

if you had to go gay for any famous actor, who would it be?

what?? he said we could ask him anything!
clowns are people too...people who want to hurt you.

Post Sat Apr 11, 2009 9:54 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
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