"Oh, I see how it is. Just because you're a repairman and I have coccydynia you automatically become my knight in shining armour to save the poor defenseless little me. Well, listen up buddy, you-"

"Enough already! Jesus! I am not even really a certified coccyx repairman yet! There! Now are you happy?"

Jocelyn took a step back. Then she stepped to the side. The forward. Then to the side again, but in the opposite direction.

Jeremiah rolled his eyes. "Okay, why are you doing the box step?"

"It's my stock shock-surprise' response." Jocelyn replied. "Too involved?"

"Uh, yeah, that's one way to put it," saiod Jeremiah. He was about to ask her one more time time to tell him what she needed when...

Sorry Regina...it had to be done...

"Uh, yeah, that's one way to put it," said Jeremiah. He was about to ask her one more time time to tell him what she needed when she suddenly burst out into song: (Human League - Dont You Know I Want You)

"Fix, fix my coccyx.
You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me
Fix, fix my coccyx.
You know I don't believe you when you say that you won't fix me
It's much too late to find-"

"Noooooo!! Please for the love of the turtles! Jocelyn! Pleeeaaassee STOP!"

"You think you've changed your mind
You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry-"

"I am sorry! Jocelyn please!! I'm sorry!!"

"Fix my coccyx baby. Fix my coccyx oh!
Fix my coccyx baby. Fix my coccyx oh!"

"J-O-C-E-L-Y-N!!"

"Yes dear, why are you yelling?"

"I'll do it. I'll fix your coccyx. If that's what you really want from me, I'll do it. But please...

Last edited by y on Thu Apr 14, 2005 1:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

"I'll do it. I'll fix your coccyx. If that's what you really want from me, I'll do it. But please, don't make me go spelunking."

Jocelyn sighed. "Fine. But I have to ask. Jeremiah, do you even know what spelunking is?"

The turtles began to giggle.

"Shut up, Ira!" Jeremiah demanded. All of the turtles, Ira included, ignored him.

"Spelunking is cave exploring. There were books about it you should have read in the 3rd grade."

"Oh. Well, it still doens't sound like any fun to me."

"Whatever." Jocelyn rolled her eyes.

"Uh, so when I'm, done fixing your coccyx, can I go back home?"

"Are you kidding?" Jocelyn said. "You're dead, and besides, you still have to...."

"Are you kidding?" Jocelyn said. "You're dead, and besides, you still have to be quiet long enough for me to inform you of your true calling."

“Oh mighty Jocelyn, with luminescent teeth and a bump on your ass, will you please inspire me to do great things on this might quest.”

“Being a smart ass isn’t going to get you anywhere Mr.”

“Fine. Just tell me what I have to do and then let’s get on with it.”

“Okay. But first I want you to meet a friend of mine.” Jeremiah noticed that the recliner was pressing into the back of his legs as if urging him to sit back down. The turtles began spinning on their stomachs with their mouths open making Jeremiah feel like he was at opening day at the ball park. “Fine. I’ll meet whoever you want, just can we get on with it already?”

“You got it Mr. – Regina, are you ready honey?”

“Yes,” said the mysterious Regina. Her words literally hung in the air, suspended between two turtles, “I’m ready. Ira? Hit it baby!”

Jeremiah rolled his eyes as the opening bars of Gloria Gayner’s I Will Survive began to play,

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified..."

Between the rows of light flashing turtles rose a slim sultry figure wrapped in a flaming red boa.

"..kept thinking I would never have a flat behind,"

Jeremiah watched as the buxom brunette slowly turned around to face him.

"but then I spent so many nights, thinking how that would be wrong…”

Her voice was smooth and velvety. Jeremiah couldn’t help but wonder was there anything under that boa? Hmmm....

"And I grew strong! I sat down and wrote this song!"

With each word Regina took a step closer and closer to Jeremiah. Her hips slowly swaying with the rhythm of the song. He was mesmerized. He was about to stand up and run into her arms when...

He was mesmerized. He was about to stand up and run into her arms when suddenly, the chorus of turtles all belched simulataneously.

The music stopped and Regina got a look of disgust on her face. She and Jeremiah, in answer to the turtles' lack of etiquette, both exclaimed, "Gross!" Then Regina burped as well and started to giggle.

"Oops!" Jeremiah grinned.

Ira offered both of them a middle turtle toe.

Regina popped a powerful breath mint into her mouth and walked slowly toward Jeremiah.

"Touch my tailbone, Jeremiah, and it will lead you to your destiny."

"Whoah, sistah! I was just looking forward to a little-"

Regina, not wanting to make Jocelyn's mistake of allowing misunderstood meanings and intentions to prolong the inevitable forcefully grabbed one of Jeremiah's hands and pressed it to her backside. The two were sucked into a wind tunnel. When they got to the other side, landing on a pile of soft fluffy pillows to prevent more coccyx injuries, Regina explained to Jeremiah, "This is your destiny, Jeremiah. Coccyxville needs you to save it from the...."

"This is your destiny, Jeremiah. Coccyxville needs you to save it from the turtles. Everyone thinks we get a long, but we really don't."

"Turtles. You want me to save you from turtles?"

"Yes. You saw their teeth. They're just...unnatural!"

"Ummm, Regina, you did see Jocelyn's teeth right?"

"Yes. That's why you need to help us!"

"Against teeth whitening turtles?"

"Yes."

"Are they at least mutant ninja turtles or something or do they just whiten your teeth?"

Throwing her boa around Jeremiah's neck, Regina pulled him nose to nose with her. Through gritted teeth she said, "Listen buddy, you're not listening to me. The Tur-tles are E-V-I-L. If we here in Coccyxville don't do what they say, they blind us with their teeth, kidnap us, and take us off to their secret lair. When we wake up, we end up providing the lighting for their spelunking expeditions!"

"Couldn't they just do that themselves?"

"Yes. But that's why we need your help. There's got to be something more to it then just having us provide lighting. We need you to..."

"Couldn't they just do that themselves?"

"Yes. But that's why we need your help. There's got to be something more to it then just having us provide lighting. We need you to infiltrate their lair , find out what the grand master plan is and report back to us. Then, you will help us construct a plan of attack and lead us into battle."

"But why me?'

"Because this is Coccyxville and you are a coccyx repairman. Not to mention, you have an in with the turtles. Ira's your friend."

"This is ridiculous."

"Of course it is. But we don't have any other recourse."

Jeremiah sighed. "If I agree to do this, what's in it for me?"

"Well," said Regina...

"Well," said Regina, "I might just let you know what I have under this boa."
"Whoa. Really?"
"You're going to have to wait and find out."
Sighing heavily, Jeremiah got up out of the recliner, ran his hands through his hair, grabbed Regina by the shoulders and laid a big fat wet kiss on her lips. “I guess there’s nothing left to do, so off to work I go!” With that said, he turned on his heel and was about to walk away when it struck him, “Ummmm Regina?” he asked as he turned back to face her. Regina was using the end of her boa and furiously wiping her mouth in between spitting Jeremiah germs out of her mouth, “Yeah…” she said mid wipe.
“How exactly am I supposed to find this infamous lair of the teeth whitening turtles?”
“Oh, it’s easy, just turn around, stand up straight, and close your eyes.”
“Like this?”
“Perfect.” She said while quietly creeping up behind him. “Now just stay still.” As the words danced off her beautiful luscious lips, she slowly raised her hands and was brandishing a huge club over his head. “Just stay perfectly still.”
*Whack*
When Jeremiah woke up….

When Jeremiah woke up, he was face to face with a huge sea turtle. This was no teenage mutant ninja turtle, but rather the old wise grandmaster of turtles. (It was difficult to tell which form of martial art the creature preferred because he was "skyclad" )

When he looked at the old turtle's long white beard, Jeremiah had the urge to braid it for him.

Sensing this the turtle said,"....

Sensing this the turtle said, "Ahhh, young human, you come in search of my cosmetology class - no?"

"No. I was sent -"

"Ahhhh. I see. You were sent here to ask why I no braid my beard - no?"

"No. I was sen-"

"Ahhhh, I see. Young human, you were sent to drink from my pond - no?"

"No. And before you cut me-"

"Ahhhh. So it has come to this young human. You were sent to me because....because....hey," the turtle spat out, dumping his ohsobelievable chinese accent, "why were you sent here?"

"I'm here because..."

"I'm here because I'm looking for Ira," Jeremiah said thinking quickly. "I want some answers from him. Like how could e have been friends for so long when he was really a bright toothed turtle?"


The wise old grandmaster began to laugh.

Jeremiah blushed.

The wise old grandmaster laughed harder.

"Okay, guy, whats so funny."

"That egglayer!" chuckled the gerandmaster, "I should have known he was behind this!"

"Behind what?" Jeremiah said. He was tired, and hungry, and his coccyx was beginning to get sore.

"Well," said the wise turtle. "Ira is....

"Ira is my ex-fiance and he always tries to find ways to make my life more difficult just because I left him for Sam."

"Sam?"

"Yes. Saaaammmmm....mmmmm....Sam is...well....I just love Sam so much! Sam has taught me to love in so many interesting and exciting ways! Ira would never let me-"

"WHOA! Back up there Mr. WiseTurtleMasterMan. I don't want to know. I just don't want to know. All I want to know is-"

"How exactly a turtle of my size and age can be so flexible that I can stick my-"

Before the wise old turlte could finish, Jeremiah took off running. He didn't know where he was going. He just knew he couldn't stand to listen to any more of the old guy's sex life. It was just unnatural. And not to mention gross! Slowly the trees before him started to thin out and Jeremiah found himself in a lush meadow. He slowed his pace and took a few deep breaths before looking around. He heard a soft rustling behind him. Entranced by the peaceful meadow, Jeremiah paid no attention to the sound. Suddenly he saw a flash of red and then felt a white hot pain on the top of his head. Reflexively he blinked his eyes and saw Regina's face smiling down at him. "Sleep now Jeremiah," she cooed, "sleep. When you wake up...."

Reflexively he blinked his eyes and saw Regina's face smiling down at him. "Sleep now Jeremiah," she cooed, "sleep. When you wake up, you will find that you suffer no pain and that a being which refers to itself as Think Insane has come to aid you in this quest. Also, you will dream wonderful dreams of breasts."

Jeremiah faded into sleep, increasing invisibility with each snore, and found that Regina had been correct. He DID dream of breasts, only not of the sort he had hoped for - the Purdue label was featured prominently and when he awoke, he had a strong craving for fried chicken.

Jeremiah rubbed the morning crusties out of his eyes, quickly became visible and stretched.

"Hey! Watch it!" said the being known as Think Insane.

"I'm sorry. I didn't see you there."

"Yeah well, you just woke up, it's okay. I am the one called Think Insane. I have been sent by Regina to offer aid. But first we must...."

"Yeah well, you just woke up, it's okay. I am the one called Think Insane. I have been sent by Regina to offer aid. But first we must do our morning yoga."

"Yoga?" Jeremiah yawned, "What kind of man does yoga?"

"I do. You got a problem with that?"

"No sir..uh, Mr. Insane...uh, Mr. Think...uh, what the hell am I supposed to call you?"

"You can call me....

"You can call me The Guy Who's Gonna Beat Your Ass And Give You a Coccyx To Repair On Your Own Self If You Don't Lose The Attitude."

"That's kind of a mouthful for a name, dontcha think?" said Jeremiah with a smile. At this Think Insane threw his head back and gave a hearty laugh. Still chuckling, he took a step forward and punched Jeremiah square in the nose, knocking him flat.

"Ouch, was that really necessary?", asked Jeremiah as tweetie-birds circled his head.

"Yes", Think Insane replied, "it definitely was."

"Why?"

"The attitude, try and keep up. Dumbass."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. I thought you were going to beat my ass, not break my nose", Jeremiah said while stroking his damage proboscis. He had some concerns about that unnatural crunching noise the cartilage was making.

"Would you have preferred that I punched you in the rectum?" Think Insane asked, one eyebrow raised, "cause you've still got the attitude and I've got some time."

"No no", said Jeremiah, realizing that wouldn't be good at all. He thought of mentioning how nobody does that but the proctologist and that one stripper, but quickly came to the conclusion that such a comment would serve no purpose but to ensure that he got his rectum wrecked.

"I still don't know what to call you."

"My name and Title", Think Insane stated most seriously, "is Think Insane, Lord of the Coccyxial Plain, Protector of Bright and Shiny Stuff, Commander of the Legions."

"Legions of what?", asked Jeremiah.

"Legions of turtles. Dumbass."

"But I thought the turtles were bad", said Jeremiah, scratching his head perplexed.

"They are bad. They were good. They stopped being good. They became bad. Get it?"

"I guess."

"Good. Dumbass."

"Are you going to hit me anymore?". Jeremiah thought this question to be particularly relevant, considering the sad state of affairs regarding the middle of his face.

"Probably", Think Insane said with a shrug. "I conquer with kindness."

"Oh. That makes sense, I guess. Are you going to keep calling me Dumbass?"

"Yep", replied Think Insane. "You can call me TI. Now do your yoga, before I have to beat you."

"Ok", said Jeremiah, not having any great desire to find out what it feels like to get punched in the rectum. "Then what?"

"Then we..."
_________________
"It's like he channels dead crazy people."
-Brock Samson

thinkinsane at mac dot com
AIM: thinkpsychotic