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So, you want to write a fantasy novel?

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Watching The Wheels



Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 3412
Location: DC
So, you want to write a fantasy novel?  Reply with quote  

So, you want to write a fantasy novel? Here's a checklist:


_ Does your protagonist have living parents by the end of the book? No. They don't. Kill them.

_ What's the name of your hero's magic sword? If you answered this question with "the sword isn't magic, and doesn't have a name," save yourself the time and energy and light your manuscript on fire right now.

_ How many characters are attacked by evil, giant spiders? Unacceptable. Increase the number by 10.

_ Is there another race of people in your novel besides humans? Do you need a glossary to understand their language? No? Manuscript, meet paper shredder.

_ Poetry! Poetry! Filled with lore to set the stage --
And it's the best way to stroke your ego as a bard.
Poetry! Poetry! Better be on every single page,
Even if you write verse like a complete fucktard.



Missing any?
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Post Mon May 10, 2010 5:43 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
Wingnut



Joined: 22 Aug 2007
Posts: 2602
Location: Nanaimo, British Columbia
 Reply with quote  

Yeah, you forgot the part about needing a cover done by Frank Fraz...oh, wait. Nevermind.





(too soon?)
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Post Mon May 10, 2010 6:14 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Jinxted



Joined: 15 Mar 2010
Posts: 487
Location: Dorrtuckey, Michigan
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IdiotCroissant



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 46
Location: Washington State
big breasted blonde amazon woman  Reply with quote  

You forgot the women! You need the warrior archetype woman that ruthlessly crushes men's heads between her breasts. Then you need the old crone that imprisons the hero just because she is a bitch and has nothing better to do. Finally, the love interest that is the most amazingly gorgeous woman that has some remarkable power. For a long part of the book they do not shag, for there is some magical reason that shagging cannot be permitted. Finally at the end of the book, the magic is overcome and let the shagging begin.

Post Sun May 16, 2010 7:33 am   View user's profile Send private message
LadyJewelleah



Joined: 22 Aug 2009
Posts: 182
Location: Southern California
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Where are the talking animals? There have to be at least some talking animals or people who communicate with animals. Gahh!!

Post Wed May 19, 2010 9:04 am   View user's profile Send private message
Wingnut



Joined: 22 Aug 2007
Posts: 2602
Location: Nanaimo, British Columbia
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LadyJewelleah wrote:
Where are the talking animals? There have to be at least some talking animals or people who communicate with animals. Gahh!!


You mean like a hoarse whisperer? Cool
_________________
"Smacking yourself with a thawed meat-hammer never has a desired effect." - Jinxted

"Life's too short to get wrapped around the axle about the little things." - SK

-The First Law of Geography: Everything is Connected to Everything Else.

Post Wed May 19, 2010 10:14 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
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