"Then we take 15 minutes to cool down, drink some room temperature water and begin our Quest."
"Right. Our Quest. By the way-"

Jeremiah cut himself off mid sentence as he looked over and saw a huge ass in his face.

"Um TI?"
"Yes?" came a somewhat muffled reply.
"What are you doing?"
"Downward facing dog."
"What?"
"DOWNWARD FACING DOG. Now get over here and stick your ass in the air like me."
"Well, the last time I heard that I got a big, fat-"
"NOW!!"
"Yes sir."

After 5 whole minutes went by, TI then laid flat on his back and motioned for Jeremiah to do the same. They were lying on their backs for so long Jeremiah thought TI went to sleep.

"TI? You awake over there?"
"Yes."
"Well, what the hell are we doing? I was doing this before you woke me up."
"Then you should know that we are doing a very difficult yoga move only masters can achieve."
"Lying flat on our backs?"
"Yes. It's called Mountain At Rest. Now shut up and concentrate on your breathing."

As the minutes ticked by, Jeremiah swore he was beginning to see his breath materialize right before his eyes. It started coming out like tiny puffs of smoke only Jeremiah knew he hadn't smoked anything since he woke up spooning his neighbor's dog in their front yard. What the hell was going on now?"

"Mr. TI...sir?"
"Shhhh. Breathe."
"I am breathing, but I swear I can see my breath."
"Good."
"Good?"
"Yep. It means it's working."
"What's working? The Yoga?"
"No, my...

"No my allergy meds. The turtles spray the air with some kind of chemical toxin to deter folks with sensitive breathing apparatus from coming here."

Jeremiah sat up, "You broke my nose when my breathing is already being messed with? I thought Regina said you were supposed to help me?"

"I am helping you. I am helping you to calm the hell down."

"Yeah, well, it's not working."


"Oh well. Then I guess we should get a move on." said Think Insane. "You remember your mission?"

"Yeah, find out what the turtles are up to. But I don't think I want to do this."

"Jeremiah, its not like you have a choice. Besides, I have a great idea of where to start. Follow my lead."

Suddenly, Jeremiah found himself wearing a collar and a leash, the end of which was held by Think Insane.

"Dude, not cool," Jeremiah said. "But if you can make that appear out of thin air, can you at least fix my nose?"

TI shrugged and said, "Okay." The leash and collar disappeared then TI punched Jeremiah in the nose a second time.

The reversal of the bone crunch and cartilage smear hurt worse then when it was broken and the bruises made John look like a raccoon.

"Tee hee," said Think Insane, "You look like a racoon."

"Shut up." said Jeremiah. He was angry, but followed Think Insane down a cobblestone street.
It seemed that an hour passed before Think Insane finally led him down a side alley at the end of which was a seedy bar with loud music emenating from within.

Before entering, Think Insane explained, "It's a girly-turtle bar. Not exactly arousing for us humans, but the rebel turtles hang out here. I am sure one of them will be drunk enough to shoot his mouth off. GO on in. Someone will be waiting for you right here for the next part of the mission, if you make it out."

"You aren't coming with me?" Jeremiah whined.

"No. I must fight the turtles on another front. I wouldn't even be here if Regina hadn't dragged me into it."

Jeremiah sighed. "Okay. "

He stepped inside and saw....

He stepped inside and saw a vision unlike any he had seen before. A vision of lovely loveliness, the likes of which Jeremiah had never known.

“Hello”, The Vision says with a wan smile. “My name is Lauren, I’m the hostess here at the Slippery Shell.”

“The what?”, asked Jeremiah transfixed.

“The Slippery Shell, the turtle strip bar you’re in?” said Lauren, eyebrows raised above her comely schoolteacher glasses.

“Are you a turtle?”, enquired Jeremiah.

“Do I look like a turtle?”

“Well”, said Jeremiah, “I guess not.”

“You’re a smart boy”

“Huh”, said Jeremiah, “the last guy that was supposed to help me kept calling me a Dumbass.”

“TI?”

“Yeah, him. He broke my nose and told me he conquers with kindness”, Whined Jeremiah.

“Oh”, said Lauren with a smile. “He does. He’s a man of peace.”

“I think he uses a different definition of ‘kindness and peace’.”

“Well duh. To him ‘kindness’ means senseless brutality and ‘peace’ means, well, senseless brutality. He commanded turtles man. He thinks… insane.”

“I like you better”, said Jeremiah. “You’re wicked hot and have a great set of…”

Jeremiah never got to finish this line of thinking, as the vision of loveliness stepped forward and drilled him square in his recently repaired nose. It made that sickening crunchy noise it wasn’t supposed to make.

“Listen up, jerk-ass, I strip for turtles to pay my way through college, I don’t have…
_________________
"It's like he channels dead crazy people."
-Brock Samson

thinkinsane at mac dot com
AIM: thinkpsychotic

“Listen up, jerk-ass, I strip for turtles to pay my way through college, I don’t have time to deal with your juvenile bullshit. Get your mind out of the gutter and back to the task at hand."

"Yes, about that, it's getting a bit difficult to concentrate when everyone I meet insults me then punches me in the nose. I think the problem is..."

Lauren cut him off by punching him square in the jaw. "The problem is" she finished for him "that you have an bad attitude cause your daddy didn't beat you enough."

"Listen" Jeremiah said pleading now "I don't know why I've been choosen and I don't know what I am supposed to be doing but I don't think I am going to get much accomplished if those who are supposed help me keep kicking my ass. It's just not good for moral."

"Are you finished?"

"No, I'm not. Another thing is that no one who has claimed they would help has helped me one bit. It's like I'm just getting passed around to be abused. Which I wouldn't mind but I don't really see how this is helping the situation any."

"Finished?"

"No. I also don't understand why everyone is so afraid of these bright teethed turtles. I mean why not just put up some thick shrubbery around their town and that would probably hold em allright. At least till you had time to build a picket fence. Hell you might even have the time to white wash it befor they advanced past the shrubbery."

"Finished?"

"NO I'M NOT...well actually maybe I am."

Lauren cold cock him and laid him out solid. "Good" she said to no one in particular "maybe this time he'll stay out long enough to do his job."

Jeremiah dreamed of breasts again. His dream took him soaring over a poultry farm. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks.
_________________
I honestly never thought I would live this long. Now I don't know what to do with myself.

Jeremiah dreamed of breasts again. His dream took him soaring over a poultry farm. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks. Poultry farm = chickens! Maybe if they gathered enough chickens they could poke the turtles out of their shells and therefore destroy the turtles all together!

Jeremiah continued his flight over the poultry farm smiling to himself for figuring out how to end the turtle's reign of bright teeth. "Yeah," Jeremiah thought to himself, "I'll just get some chickens to peck the turtles to death! Won't Regina and Lauren be proud! Maybe they'll even team up and -" Before Jeremiah could finish his thought, a giant fryer appeared out of the sky. Jeremiah began wiping sweat off his face as the heat from the fryer floated towards him. He looked down and saw the chickens forming a conga line. "Nooooooo!" Jeremiah shouted as he watched the chickens begin to dance right into the fryer.

"I've got to do something!" Jeremiah thought when turtles began floating right past him. Each of the turtles had a napkin tied around their neck and a knife and fork in each hand. Before Jeremiah could register what was going on, he was seated at the head of a large table, set with Waterford crystal and huge platters of fried chicken.

"Eat. Eat." chanted the turtles. "Eat the chicken!"

Jeremiah inhaled deeply as a crispy golden fried breast was placed on his plate. His mouth began to water with anticipation as his fingers wraped around the breast. Just as he was about to sink his teeth into the chicken...

Jeremiah inhaled deeply as a crispy golden fried breast was placed on his plate. His mouth began to water with anticipation as his fingers wraped around the breast. Just as he was about to sink his teeth into the chicken it started pulsing, like a beating heart. He dropped the chicken onto his plate and watched in horror as it shed the crispy golden skin.

He picked up a fork and poked it at which point the juicy meat began to swell like some huge disembodied pustule. Jeremiah was reminded of a troublesome sebaceous cyst that appeared one day on his grandfather's shoulder. Pop-pop had tried to get poor Jeremiah to lance it. He had been 6 years old at the time. Needless to say, the procedure had ended with Pop-pop in surgery and Jeremiah in therapy.

The result of this history was, of course, that as this piece of chicken swelled and finally burst intpo a bloody, pussy mess, Jeremiah felt responsible. He dealt with this by stating, over and over, "I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything!"

"Of course you didn 't, butt-monkey," a voice saiid from the vicinity of his dinner plate.

Jeremiah wiped the pus and blood out of his eyes and looked at the voice. A huge chicken, a cock, to be more precise, sat on his plate. The Cock, in addition to its own wings, had big beefy arms like Popeye.

"I just regenerated myself. Sorry to have made such a mess."

Jeremiah noticed that the turtles teeth were clattering with fear.

"How is it possible?"

"Dude, I'm a bad ass turtle hunter, I am known and feared as Cock Six, not a scientist. How the hell should I know?"

Cock Six looked at the turtles, who were backing away, teeth a chatter.

"Cut that clacking shit out. It ruffles my feathers."

Jeremiah enjoyed a blissful moment of silence until...

Jeremiah enjoyed a blissful moment of silence until Cock Six let out an alarming caw and Jeremiah woke in a dank dark closet.

The floor felt wet and sticky. Then he was reminded he was in the Slippery Shell by the dull thumping in his head. There was also the pounding of dance music. The pounding and thumping clashed inside his head. Jeremiah wanted to leave, but wanted less to deal with whatever awaited him outside. Those two thoughts fought in his head.

Jeremiah decided to add to the war in his crainium and droped two coins into the coin slot in front of him. As he did he wasn't sure why. Did he really have a hankerin to see dancing naked turtles? Would it even be interesting? He felt himself becoming a little aroused as a small iron door spread open to reveal several dancing turtles in verious stages of unshell. At first it was just odd. Then Jeremiah began to notice what they were doing as they danced.

The doors slammed shut. Jeremiah popped in two more coins. They opened again and Jeremiah was begining to comprehend how odd this was to be watching turtles strip when Lauren walk into the room of turtle strippers just as his doors began to shut.

Quickly Jeremiah produced two more coins and dropped them into the slot. When the doors opened they revealed Lauren right in front of his window. She peered in and with distainful reproach said "You sick ass bastard. Poor tutrtles. I can only pray you don't get one alone with you. Who knows what kind of sick shit you have in that head of yours. That way is out" she pointed behind him "whenever your through in here." She then turned and walk out the stage door.

Jeremiah was so filled with emberassment that he had to regain himself before leaving. He took a deep breath which probably wasn't such a great idea. He burst out the door and took another deep breath. Again, not a great idea. He searched for the exit as he became green. Lauren came from around the corner.

"Come on sick'o" Lauren led a very green faced and embaressed Jeremiah through a door that read "Employees Only." To his delight the putrid odor was gone. Or at least covered by the aroma of fine perfumes. Normally this would have given him a headache too but, considering he allready had one, the odor was a welcome diversion from the rank smell back in the bar.

Lauren led him on through another door at the back of the room. It led down a stair case to a hallway so long he could not make out where it ended. All of the doors were closed and unmarked. As Lauren led him on Jeremiah had the sensation that they were headed downwards. Not fast or steep. Just a gentle sloping down. They walked on for quite a while in silence. Jeremiah was thankful for the silence as it left him with just a mild thumping in his head. That, he felt, he could deal with. He did wonder where they were going but not enough to ask. He was just glad to bee out of the Slippery Shell. Or had he gone deeper in?

Now as he walk and his mind started to gather it's self he began to wonder what all the rooms were for. Then he noticed the doors being spaced further and further apart until presently he hadn't seen a door for a considerable amount of time.

They had been walking for about half an hour when Lauren finally spoke. "So how were your dreams." She asked.

"Foul" said Jeremiah, not yet in a mood to get all personal. Lauren picked up on his irritable mood and walked on in silence.

Down, down, down, they went and three hours past as they walked. Doors were few and far between. The hall began to take on an ominous glow. The light had been changing ever so slightly all the way down. In fact jeremiah suddenly noticed there were no lights. At least no origin for the light to be coming from. Had there been light fixtures earlier in the hall? He couldn't recall. Jeremiah was about to break the silence when...
_________________
I honestly never thought I would live this long. Now I don't know what to do with myself.

Had there been light fixtures earlier in the hall? He couldn't recall. Jeremiah was about to break the silence when his ears were suddenly assaulted by a loud blast of cartoon music. Someone down at the end of the hallway was blasting the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Song and laughing hysterically.

Lauren sighed. "That Raphael is so dreamy."

A very large female turtle appeared wearing a gold silk kimono. Batting her eyelashed at Jeremiah she said, "...

‘Aye, hello there Jeremiah, my name is Bella and I am a Canadian.’

Jeremiah slowly backed away from Bella. He had heard about Canadians in a documentary that he once watched called Strange Brew.

‘How about a Molson Golden, aye?’

No matter what she tempted him with, he would have to stave off her advances even if it was with beer, a drink of the drunken gods, the gods that created duck-billed-platypuses, kangaroos and penguins.

Bella unbuttoned her kimono and let the silk garment seductively slide down her pallid skin and finally drop to the floor.

‘Care for aye friendly fling?’

This was too much for poor defenceless Jeremiah. He felt a slight bulge in his pants. She may be Canadian but he was American and sex is something that any true red, white and blue American male cannot turn down. Quickly he undid his trousers and let his pants fall to the floor and with a flick of his foot they landed in a pile next to Bella’s kimono.

She stepped over the pile and came toward him. His semi rippled body was glistening with sweat. Down to her knees with a thud. This was something that her mother had told her never to do and her father just didn’t know about these things. He was a Mountie Mountain Man who she saw last at a parade dressed in a tutu and that was when she was ten. Men had come in and out of her life from an early age.

Scuffing her knees along the concrete flooring, she trundled close to Jeremiah. He was throbbing trying to think of the un-sexiest thing he could so as to quell himself. His first thought was of Cousin Jane but seeing as he is from a red state that did not work. His mind drifted to Fred his dog that was living in New York with a man named Horse. This worked for a bit but then he thought of Fred’s ability to lick his own balls and climatic arousal was nearly eminent when Bella said, ‘What the hell is that?’

She scuttled back to her kimono, leafed through its deep pockets and put on a pair of bifocals then scuttled back on her knees looking at Jeremiah’s manhood. She read the letters out loud, ‘B-i-l-l-O-’-R-e-i-l-l-y-/-F-o-x-N-e-w-s-.-c-o-m,’ it seems like a long thing to have tattooed on one’s penis but Jeremiah was not average. Jane knew that well.

‘Why do you have Bill O’Reilly Fox News.com tattooed on your penis?’

‘I sold the rights to my penis on Ebay.’

She moved away from Jeremiah slowly and quickly…
_________________
I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes. -HST

Then the world exploded.

The End

...or is it?

Well yes, as far as the world is concerned. It probably is the end. If Jeremiah had been aware enough to noticed he would have realized it was all his fault. Had he been where he should have been he might have stopped Dirty Red Jackal and his bomb.

On second thought he probably couldn't have saved the world from the Dirty Red Jackal for long. But now that doesn't really matter.

...or does it?
_________________
I honestly never thought I would live this long. Now I don't know what to do with myself.