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The Boardello By Vache Merde

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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 6381
Location: Michigan
The Boardello By Vache Merde  Reply with quote  

If, on a balmy hot summer’s day or cold bone-cracking winter’s day or some other day that is a bizarre combination, you should peruse that behemoth of most useful and most useless information widely regarded as a first class place for finding adult titillation known as the Internet, you may happen upon a little clearing in the dense forest of self-obsessed blogs and threadbare divas. A clearing that is notable by a gathering of wise wordsmiths, possum purgers, political pundits, and one Author Guy. A clearing known as The Boardello.

It is there that Author Guylings, such as Boota and Taco Bob, gather to soak up the atmosphere as a plethora of characters emerge to discuss matters from the utmost important to the downright delinquent. Divas strut, pose, turn and strut away again in an endless circus of feather boas, sparkling tiara’s and razor personalities; their understudies learning from each and every move, waiting for their day when they too can join the ranks of the Diva. Often, one can hear the practice calls, “Shut up, I am strutting here. I am hungry. Fetch me a baby.”

This tranquil setting lends itself to the nurture and growth of liberal, opinionated and attractive people. The future may look back on this place as the birthplace of many a great mind and none could be considered greater than that of Ferrit Leggings (when Kilgore gives him opportunity to use it); a man with a gift for teaching and storytelling, driven by an eclectic taste in both music and literature, and a passion for photography. A passion shared by Think Insane.

Of course, it is only possible to pay lip service to the haven of Many more people worthy of discussion survive and thrive in this most desirable of Internet addresses than there are words to praise them. Each brings a unique perspective to proceedings, ensuring that there is never a shortage of topics to discuss or hands to lend towards building the compound.

We intended to speak to the Author Guy himself, Chris Moore, but we were unable to be bothered to ask. Instead, we spoke to FattyFattyPorkFace about the Boardello, its inhabitants and their plans for the compound.

Vache: Welcome FattyFattyPorkFace. Can I call you Fatty?

FattyFattyPorkFace: No. I’d rather you didn’t. How would you like it?

V: I’m sorry. I meant no offence.

FFPF: That’s ok, wanker. No offence meant either. Call me FFPF.

V: Ok, FFPF. How did you first come across the Boardello?

FFPF: Come across? What kind of pervert are you?

V: No, no! Sorry, I meant, how did you first arrive at

FFPF: I started reading books by Chris Moore back in 1997 and he had printed his e-mail address in there. So, I started e-mithering the man and eventually, after some discussion about psychiatric help (which, I might add, he declined) he directed me to his website and an earlier incarnation of the boardello.

V: There has been more than one?

FFPF: Yes, I am led to believe that there have been several. My first introduction was to the boardello prior to the one you see today.

V: And what did you do?

FFPF: Well, I chose an extremely unimaginative screen name and logged in to shoot the breeze about subjects of which I knew nothing about. No one seemed to mind. I think they put it down to British eccentricity or maybe just ignored me.

V: Were there any memorable moments from those early days?


V: No one in particular that sticks in the memory?

FFPF: Well, many of the boardello stalwarts were there but I wasn’t really committed enough to get much from it at the time.

V: So what changed?

FFPF: I left and returned a year or two later to find the boardello had changed.

V: And?

FFPF: And I signed up with a newer but more insulting name and began posting in earnest. I would offer my views on everything from pie to Bush to the AG himself.

V: Bush?

FFPF: Wipe that look off your face, pervert. It was the Politics forum.

V: And when did you first encounter the divas?

FFPF: I don’t recall the exact day, probably because of the concussion, but it was quite early on.

V: Concussion?

FFPF: They can be quite vicious if not treated in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

V: Did you address them incorrectly?

FFPF: No, I was caught checking someone out who was not among their ranks.

V: Oh.

FFPF: Yeah. Not really the best idea. But I managed to get my apology out, even with the stiletto heel in my throat, so it wasn’t all bad.

V: I see. And today? How do you find them?

FFPF: They are wonderful creatures. Just don’t get too close. It should also be noted that their young protégés are equally deadly if you’re not too careful.

V: Noted. Thank you. Now, on to the compound. What is the boardello compound?

FFPF: As our gathering has grown it has become apparent that in order to maintain our cult status, we need a cult compound where we can reside with (or without) our dishonorable leader, formulating plans for literary domination, political superiority and pie.

V: Pie?

FFPF: Yes, pie.

V: I like pie.

FFPF: Well…that’s really...great.

V: Do you have any now?

FFPF: Pie? No, no pie. Not for you anyway.

V: Oh…well, maybe when the compound is finished.

FFPF: Doubt it. Cock.

V: And when will the compound be completed?

FFPF: Exact details regarding the completion of the compound and the various services that it will provide are yet to be finalized. Rest assured, when we are done, you won’t know about it.

V: Well, thank you for talking to us, FattyFattyProkFace...

FFPF: It’s PORK face, idiot. FattyFattyPORKFace.

V: Oh, sorry. Thank you for talking to us, FattyFattyPORKFace. It really has been a pleasure.

FFPF: It most certainly has not.

So, if you should happen upon a small clearing one afternoon whilst checking out those pictures of Jessica Alba or Hilary Clinton, why not stop by and check out the wild and wonderful place that is the Boardello. You may just like it. I know I did.

FFPF: Now listen here, perv. Why don’t you just…

Post Tue Aug 02, 2005 1:23 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
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