Chain Story: Jason is Uhappy in Heaven

"I don't like it here."
Not that unusual a thing to say, certainly not original, except for one thing: Jason Findlay was saying it...in heaven.
And it sparked a crisis, a big one...

Jason kicked a cloud and humphed. “It’s just kind of creepy here with all the worship, worship, worship.” Said Jason to John. “It still seems like it isn’t right.”

“What do you mean Jason?” said John. “Do you not rejoice in our creator?”

“Oh no don’t get me wrong,” said Jason “he’s real groovy and all that. But don’t you think it’s kind of weird that here we are in heaven and still no one has seen God”

“God is a very busy man” said John.

“Now you say that but how do you know he’s a man?” said Jason.

“Semantics Jason, simply semantics.” said John.

“Well I’m off to search for this God. Though I know it may be hard to find. You stay here in heaven. I’m looking for God.” Said Jason and promptly slid off his cloud and floated away.

John shook his head. “I had better follow him so he doesn’t get into any trouble”


An entity named Clod churned in his meditation. He felt a slip then a smack. He became concerned.
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I honestly never thought I would live this long. Now I don't know what to do with myself.

As Jason moved away from John and through the crowded streets, the usual harmonic activities of wings and voices raised in praise and welcome stopped. Robes in mid-swish, hands in mid-pluck of harp-strings, it all paused as though someone had snapped a picture of what joy should look like.

Surely, they'd all misunderstood his thoughts.

Peter's many floating scrolls settled to the ethereal ground around him and his pen gently floated up and settled behind his ear.

He searched out the source of the disruptions, turning in place until he sighted the young man who had dared to announce his preferences.

"Oh. Jason. It's you. Well I might have known . . ."
**************************************************

Clod rubbed his knotty ringing head. "What?" he growled. "What do you want?"
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. . .once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
(The Velveteen Rabbit)

Clod rubbed his knotty ringing head. "What?" he growled. "What do you want?" He spoke to no one in particular. The entity Clod had no definable features. He appeared to most souls as a compilation of everything they had ever seen or ever imagined. Clod had no form. He only had existence. Most of his existence, which was eternal, was spent doing his job for the creator. He held in his meditations all of that which is considered by most on earth and all in heaven to be reality. Of coarse if Clod stopped his meditation all of reality would blink out of existence. It was very bad for everyone involved, if it happened. Which it did every sixty or seventy billion years.

When Clod would stop his meditation it tended to leave souls floating in a state of quantum flux. The thing he was making hinged on the proper stabilization of said souls. Now and then a soul who had reached the upper echelon got a little to big for his britches sort to speak and had to be “dealt with.” These things were always messy and never seemed to turn out the way Clod had intended. The soul could often really get things all worked up before Clod had a chance to deal with it. “That’s the problem with granting them free will.” Clod mumbled to himself. “I really must speack to the creator about this whole free will thing.”
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I honestly never thought I would live this long. Now I don't know what to do with myself.

There are no rules right. Cuz I'm going twice.

Joseph kicked his feet back on a cloud and bealched

“Ya know Mary,” Joseph said lighting his pipe “We made out pretty good in this deal. We got to heaven, we’re revered on Earth by a lot of people, we have the best cloud with the best view in all of New Jerusalem, and all you had to do was sleep with that Clod guy.”

“I hate it when you talk like that Joseph. I did not sleep with Clod. He just showed up and said ‘So Mary, it’s like this, there are a lot of things you don’t understand about the Universe and you never will. So I am making you "with child." He’s gonna be a smart one and do a lot of good but watch out, it might get totally screwed up. But it’s a new trick I want to try and it might speed up the whole process.’ Then I was just pregnant. The guy didn’t even have the decency to take my virginity. “

“Yes, yes Mary I’ve heard the story but do you think I just fell of the turnip truck?” said Joseph. Mary had indeed thought that many times but she held her tongue. “Mary, the man made you pregnant. Now granted that was the best kid we ever had but come on Mary.”

“He wasn’t a man.” Mary snapped back.

“Oh right he was a formless shapeless, indefinable entity that communicated to you on a level you can’t explain. You’ve told me. But let’s face it Mary, life is just good. No pain, no bills, no taxes, everything you want is always here.”

Life was good. Mary had to agree. Heaven was everything for everyone around the world. And those that didn’t want to know about the other Heavens never saw them. Those who liked that sort of thing could go around and experience everybody else’s heaven. Those who didn’t want to acknowledge their existence never saw them, of coarse. It was a divine plan. Mary liked the simplicity of it. Some people got more out of it than others but everybody was generally happy.

Joseph was half way through his pipe when he felt a bit of indigestion. ‘That’s odd’ he thought. ‘Mary’s cooking hasn’t bothered me since we got to heaven.’ “Say Mary,” Joseph said “Did you put something different in the lamb tonight?”

“No Joseph, why do you ask?”

“Well I feel a bit of the old indigestion coming on. I thought…” a thought stuck Joseph. He could see in Mary’s eyes the same dread.

“I heard it happened once when they killed…” She choked. She was very afraid. “Joseph you need to talk to your eldest.”
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I honestly never thought I would live this long. Now I don't know what to do with myself.

"The balance is off and getting offer," thought Clod, except that he didn't think of himself as "Clod". That business had come up the last time a sould had gotten too big for his britches.

He'd had to intervene directly in that one. Some angel or other had gotten a little too full of himself -- Lucifer was his name. He'd paid for that one alright!

Now who was this "Jason"?

Not an angel... Was there any other point of comparison? He hoped not. The last thing that Lucifer had said to Him was, "See ya 'round, Clod!" as he slid off to hisnew home a few floors down.

"Whatca mean, 'Clod'? The name's 'Cloud' 'cause I hop from clud to cloud, not from clod to clod! That would make me a..."

[/i]

Jason wandered aimlessly for awhile, but his quest was proving more difficult than he had anticipated. It occurred to him that a flyer or something, like a wanted poster, would be helpful. So he popped into a Kinkos and had some run off. “It would be better, dontcha think, if you had like, a picture?” the clerk said. Jason looked a the pimply faced kid in disbelief. “A picture of god?” he asked sarcastically. “Why, do you have one?”

Jason began distributing the flyer and grew increasingly discouraged. People seemed disinclined to accept the flyers, and those who did generally dropped them on the ground. A few simply put them in the trash. Quite exhausted, Jason looked up to see a pub just ahead. He went in, sat at the bar, and ordered a Guinness.

“That’s a serious brew,” commented the man on the adjacent stool. ”What brings you here?”

Jason looked at the curious figure. The man was gaunt, save for a bit of a belly, and was clad in tatters. His body bespoke long journeys. “I’m looking for god,” Jason said. “I’m Jason, by the way.”

The man nodded. “No luck?”

“Not yet.”

“Have you considered the possibility there is no god?”

Jason stared at him in disbelief. He took a swig of his dark brew, at a loss for words.


Clod shuddered, his arms suddenly covered in horripilations. Struggling to adjust the balance, he flashed suddenly to the last time things were this out of control. That time most of the dinosaurs disappeared.

As Jason sat his beer back down the man said “Or maybe all this has nothing to do with God.” Jason was again stunned so he picked up his beer and took a long pull from it this time. “Have you ever wondered about what’s beyond heaven?” The man continued “Most people are quite content to live out there life on earth and then spend eternity in heaven. Some even return to earth and have a second go. But how many souls have you heard of that have gone beyond heaven?”

Jason was flummoxed. “Well none actually.” Jason said, “In fact I don’t think OI have ever heard anyone talk about it.”

“That’s right!” said the man “And why you ask?”

“Well it could do with nothing existing beyond heaven.” Jason was beginning to think this guy was a nut case.

“Ha!” exploded the man “Shows how much you know. On earth as it is in Heaven there has been nothing new for billions of years but beyond heaven…”

Jason broke in “How can there be anything out side of heaven and earth?”

“Listen” said the man “There are more things than heaven and earth out there but if you keep asking the wrong questions you’ll never find any of it.”

Jason leaned in close “Who are you?” he asked

“Solomon” the man said with a smile.

Jason’s jaw dropped. “The Solomon, the one granted with all the wisdom of the ages? Are you that Solomon?”

Solomon laughed. “My reputation is greatly exaggerated,” he said.

“There were rumors of your going completely mad.” Jason said. He was thinking it might be true but figured you get few chances to meet a legend. “‘The great Solomon has lost his mind’ they were saying.”

“Oh that” Solomon said “There was a mix up when I misplaced my mines. You know how rumors get started.”

“Right” Jason said with some hesitation. “So if there is something beyond heaven how come no one has heard of it?”

“I’ve been there Jason” Solomon said in a tone that Jason could not mistake for humor.

______________________________________________________________________
Clod was trying to hold on to his meditation. A dinosaur ran down the street outside a pub.
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I honestly never thought I would live this long. Now I don't know what to do with myself.

Clod tried to hold it all in his mind, along with all the other zillions of zillions things it was already holding. Jason looking for God, John in tow, the Holy Family with indigestion. Where would it all lead?

Meanwhile, Jason lookedintently at Solomon, and said, "You must help me. IS God outside of heaven and earth then? And how do I get there? Please help me? I must find God."

Solomon threw his head back and laughed. “You have such a narrow mind Jason.” He said.

“How so?” said Jason

“You still believe that God and reality can be defined by your standards. I think you need to talk to Clod.” Said Solomon

“Who?” said Jason

“A better question, Jason, would be where? I can take you to him but it will be no easy journey. Are you game?” said Solomon

“If you are?” said Jason

“I have an eternity, why not.” said Solomon

So Jason and Solomon set out on their journey to find Clod.

Clod imagined they would.
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I honestly never thought I would live this long. Now I don't know what to do with myself.

And he was greatly amused by the idea of the search, because Clod wasn't that hard to find. Living outside of Heaven and Earth and time has this advantage.

But he also understood the pleasure-pain humans took from the quest, so he sipped the tall glass of whiskey sour Solomon had unwittingly poured him, propped his feet on the cross bar in front of the barstool and waited.

At the other end, was another watcher, his feet resting on the other end of the crossbar. And he was not as patient. Or as omniscient, regardless of what he wished for.
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. . .once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
(The Velveteen Rabbit)

...and his name was Lucifer. Or at least it had been back in the days...

Now it was Satan. And he tried to act the part that had been given him, but it was just so hard. Stealing souls got boring, anything got boring, millenia after millenia. So now he mostly hung out in out of the way bars, drinking more thanhis fill, and hoping for trouble. He usually wasn't disappointed.

But tonight, he sensed something different. Something that he hadn't seen in a long time.

Opportunity.

Clod knew that the fellow at the other end of the bar with the Snidely Whiplash mustache was trouble with a capital “T.” Or, capital “S” as the case was. His more immediate concern, apart from maintaining balance and the universe and everything, was getting this Jason guy back on track. Solomon (of curse) was right, which was itself tedious enough. To have him messing with Jason’s mind, though, could be dangerous.

Which was what Satan was hoping for. He absent-mindedly stroked his mustache and pondered the significance of the dinosaur that was lurking outside. It wasn’t a big dinosaur, but that seemed less a curiosity than the fact that no one seemed to notice it.

“So Jason,” Solomon said.

"Wait just a darn minute," said the fellow at the end of the bar, getting off his stool and walking towrds Jason. "He can't help you," he added, jerking his thumb towards Solomon. I can help you.

"What do you want, Satan?" Solomon demanded.

"Satan?" said Jason, incredulous.

"At your service. Oh, don't look so worried. You're already in heaven; I can't cause you any trouble when you're already in the club."

"Don't be so sure," said Solomon.

"Hey," said Satan, "if God kicks you out, He made a mistake, which is impossible, right? The universe would come to an end. Even Clod couldn't hold ittogethe if the Big Guy screwed up.Which reminds me. You asked to see God, and Solly baby here is trying to palm you off on Clod! And he thinks I'm sneaky?

"I can take you to see the Big Guy. I know where He is -- He's just a short dinosaur ride away..."

Jason just didn't know what to do. He looked at Satan, then Solomon, then Satan, then Solomon. He felt like he was watching a tennis match. Finally, he settled on Solomon. He looked to the wise man in desperation, an imploring look on his face.

Solomon sighed. This story had repeated SO many times. "Ok," he said. Let's all go.

Satan spat in disgust. You aren't coming with us, Sol."

"Yes, I am," Solomon replied calmly. "Look, Lucy, where Jason goes, I go."

"Dammit, don't call me Lucy!" Even in his rage Satan was respectful of god.
"Alright, let's get going.

The trio went outside and clambered aboard the dinosaur. "Where to?" the creature asked.