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2nd Annual Chris Moore BBS Why I Wanna Be A Pirate Contest

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Think insane.

Joined: 26 Apr 2004
Posts: 1577
Location: Night's Plutonian shore
2nd Annual Chris Moore BBS Why I Wanna Be A Pirate Contest  Reply with quote  

Read all about it here!

Submissions are to be placed here. Use your own discretion on length, the '100 words' thing is not set in stone. All submissions are due no latter than 8:00 PM on 18 SEP 05, with the winner announced the following day. Good luck, you pack of savages!
"It's like he channels dead crazy people."
-Brock Samson

thinkinsane at mac dot com
AIM: thinkpsychotic

Post Wed Sep 07, 2005 3:22 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
conspiracies unlimited

Joined: 16 Nov 2004
Posts: 4281
Location: California
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Why I want to be a pirate...

Mary Reid and Anne Bonny... 'nuff said...

Hey, you said 100 words or LESS...
You are so whack.Wiggity whack?Nope, just the regular kind.
You can't dust for vomit
This is the Governor's wife. -- You mean she's not the hooker?
It's time to separate the awkwardly feminine from the possibly canadian

Post Thu Sep 08, 2005 12:10 pm   View user's profile Send private message

Joined: 03 Mar 2005
Posts: 305
Location: Inside Ferrit's Head
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Why I Wanna Be A Pirate

I never asked this question before seeing as I am now dead I might as well ask this now.

There are many reasons why a person would want to be a pirate but I think the best reasons would be so that they could say that they do something interesting and have a cool name.

Raping and pillaging, how many people get to say that is part of their job and not be a jailed rapper or a government official running free. There are two jobs that are like pirating today. One is pirating but there is so little lustre in burning a few CD’s from old Napster Files and who wants to boast about hacking the access code for Tomb Raider deluxe? No one gets laid for that unless they are living at Bill Gates’ house.

There are real pirates today but their lives are spent on boats without any scurvy varmints running round other than some guy named Buck who used to live in the states and married their cousin Vicky in Kansas with ten dogs and fifty cats. Scurvy to them is just another word that needs to be looked up, along with fleas and inbreeding, in the picture dictionary while their Captain eats Burger King with Elvis on deck being served by Michael Jackson in pink tights and a tutu. I don’t mean to glamorise today’s pirates but if their boat has an engine and a gun made by the US government bought from Columbian drug dealers then they are not real pirates.

Pirates have eye patches, swear, and have splendour higher than any king. No one wants to play the part of King Edward or Henry even if you say that you can call him Ed or Hank. Ed sounds like Uncle Dave who got sent to the special hospital and Hank is a name that is too close to wank to have it taken seriously. There have been many people who did many great things with those names but they first had to overcome the name that their parents gave to them. However, the biggest obstacle to conquer with a name like Ed, Hank, Bill and so on is the rhyme schemes that can be conjured with simple syllable names. “Ed was dead and lying in bed with Jed and his cousin Fred. Jed looked at Fred and said oh my god Ed is hard as a frozen turd.” Try not feeling defeated with a name like that on the playground called PS120. The point is that everyone wants to be the pirate because he always wins and can say things like, Arrggh, Arrrr, Eerrreeeggg, Arrr, R, and be understood by all of his mates even if his name is Hank because he can change his name to something like Black Beard or Terrible Thomas. If Hank doesn’t want to change his name he can be like the great baseball player Hammerin’ Hank, or Wild William instead of Billy Boy Basin Swimmer in Swill and Ed can be Crazy Eddie from Ndebele.

What do you get when you are a pirate? You get a cool name and a job that makes anyone else’s seem like a name that Liberace would call his children. Being a pirate means glamour that is rare today because no matter how many government officials are screwing over the people no kid sitting in a box in their living room with their best mate next to them raising the Jolly Roger is going to say, “I wanna be Dick and you be Bush.” That is a game that starts much later in life.

Kilgore (with some help from FL)
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.


Post Fri Sep 09, 2005 5:50 pm   View user's profile Send private message

Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 20
Location: Helltown USA
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Why I wanna be a pirate...

I'm tired of waking up to another mindless morning commute. If I'm to suffer a thankless day, I'd prefer a little booty at the end of the journey.

Besides, I've failed anger management, probation never works out, and I need to leave the jurisdiction.

Post Sun Sep 11, 2005 12:09 am   View user's profile Send private message
Ferrit Leggings

Joined: 29 Mar 2004
Posts: 2658
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I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes. -HST

Last edited by Ferrit Leggings on Fri Sep 30, 2005 6:30 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Sat Sep 17, 2005 4:53 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website

Joined: 18 Sep 2005
Posts: 67
Location: DelMarVa
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I want to be a pirate because they were the first true democracy in the world. The men elected their Captain and if he was not doing the job the way the men on board thought he should, well then...
Pirates had a quartermaster, usually one of the older, more trusted of the crew to oversee all of the booty stored onboard. Not even the Captain could touch it. And when it was time to split the booty, everyone got the exact same share. This elder also could supercede the Captains order if it was not in the best interest of the crew. The men ate, drank and were merry because they knew that their time on the earth was short. They lived life to the fullest. I wish, like many others that life were that simple today. That our leaders were looking out for our booty and always had our best interest in mind. Last, but certainly not least, I wish I were a pirate because they drove bitchin' boats and got mad tail!
entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem.

Post Sun Sep 18, 2005 12:27 pm   View user's profile Send private message

Joined: 29 Mar 2004
Posts: 2295
Location: SF
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Ahem, this piece is entitled, Why I wanna be a Pirate when I Grow up . . ."

It is a well-known maxim that women on board boats . . . erm . . . ships are bad luck. Knowing this, and really you should know this as it's well-known (see above), you might think my campaign for piracy would be destined for a short drop and a sudden stop as so many pirates themselves are destined in these troubled times. However, I would say to you, "Gar, matey, ye couldn't be more wrong if you ordered a nice dry Chardonnay instead of grog at the local tavern, or named your parrot something other than Polly, or failed to have an obvious handicap of the eye, leg, or hand variety."

Even now in the privacy of my own room, I laugh at your wrongness and say to you acurst doubters in my mind, "Avast, ye young scalawags, if ye want to be known as the most fearsome pirate ship in these seven seas, ye'll let it be known ye fear nothing, not even the hands of a cruel fate or the tempestuous sea. And to do that, ye can do naught better than to have a stalwart young lass on board."

So I would make a natural candidate for a life of piracy. After all, these superstitions can't be right, I've been on boats . . . that is to say . . . ships many times before without mishap or malady.

Also, I think the ocean is pretty. Erm . . . the end . . . Argh!!
Lynn, Reading Kafka in a hospital is generally redundant. Better just to wander the halls randomly opening doors.

Post Sun Sep 18, 2005 3:33 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website

Joined: 04 Sep 2004
Posts: 6617
Location: Los Angeles
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I wan't to be a pirate…

a bawdy, seagoing lass who has her way with the men and revels every night.
who never speaks false and holds her own in a fight.

I want to be a pirate
…I couldn't make it as a corporate raider.
To Learn is to Know
To Know is to Love
To Love is our aim


Why should we bother with immortality when we are eternal?

Post Sun Sep 18, 2005 4:37 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address

Joined: 17 Apr 2005
Posts: 4578
Location: Location, location, location.
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I wanna be a pirate because pirate talk is funny. I also like stripes. There is also that bit about the maps and buried treasure which sounds like it would be a good time. Cannons seem like they would make a cool booming noise. I have always like knives. Swords are just overgrown knives, right? I'm not so big on the killing people part but I like the idea of stealing from rich people or the people that stole from the Aztecs. That was just uncalled for. Poor Aztecs. Ummm...let me see. I kind of like the word matey? I also like hats.

Oh yeah and big boats are real cool!
I honestly never thought I would live this long. Now I don't know what to do with myself.

Post Sun Sep 18, 2005 5:14 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
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