Christopher Moore Home Page

The bulletin board is currently closed to new posts. Instead, why not check out Chris' Twitter and Facebook pages? Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Here

Pastries Galore

  Author    Thread This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.
Almighty Tofu Ninja

Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 21
Location: Tofuania, Capitol City of Tofu Land
Pastries Galore  Reply with quote  

(Yeah, the title sucks, I just came up with it for this topic. Rawr. This is all I have so far, any comments will be appreciated, even if they are telling me to quit writing and to go suck an egg.)

Pastries Galore


For the third night in a row Tofu walked out of the club alone. He had been feeling very lonely lately, and decided to change it. As he made his way to his car, he began wondering why he was turned down so many times. Perhaps it too many macaroni and cheese dinners, followed by hours of strenuous video game marathons. Perhaps it was his top hat, which he wore every time he went out.

He reached his car after what seemed like hours. As he slid the key into the lock and opened the door, a shadowy figure slipped by. Tofu barely caught a glimpse of it, so he passed it off as another CIA assassin robot. It seemed that the sightings were becoming more and more frequent. Little did Tofu know that the strange shadowy figure that just passed would play a major part in his life in the near future.

The blaring alarm pierced Lee’s dreams. The alarm continued its happy, soul piercing song until a shoe inexplicably flew across the room, connecting with its smug digital face. He never was a morning person, and the new alarm clock his boss had given him didn’t help anything. After being late for work for an amazing seventeen consecutive weeks, Lee’s boss decided to call a meeting. Should Lee show up late one more time, he would be, as his boss put it, “Fired faster then a skinny white boy becomes the new bitch in a Mississippi prison.” His boss was an asshole.

Lee tumbled down his stairs, landing in a conveniently placed laundry basket. He untangled himself from the mass of dirty towels, returned a wave from a pair of socks which had not been cleaned in almost four months, and paid his landlord, who had been kicked out of his apartment by his wife. Apparently the landlord, Frank, come home drunk one night and tried to hide it from his wife. His wife found out when she asked if Frank had been drinking, to which he responded no. The bottles of beer he was carrying decided that that was the opportune moment to slide out of his pockets and crash on the floor. He had then asked Lee if he could sleep in his living room, as the two were friends in college. As Lee made his way into the kitchen for a quick bite to eat, a thought suddenly made its way into Lee’s puny little brain.

“Frank? Will you please tell the socks that I’d greatly appreciate it if they’d return my DVDs, that’d be great.”
Frank muttered something under his breath as Lee turned and walked out of sight. Lee reached for the Pop tarts he so frequently ate. As he reached for the spot where they usually were, he was surprised to find an empty space. He decided to look and see if they had just been moved back accidentally. His glass of milk dropped to the floor, shattering upon impact. Lee saw an empty shelf as he blacked out and fell to the floor.

When Lee woke up, he quickly realized he was late for work. Again. He quickly ran to his car, started the ignition, and drove the half block to his office in record time. He barely stepped foot in the door when he was called into the Boss’s Office.

“Christ, do they have friggin’ cameras watching me or something?” he thought as he stepped into the office he knew so well.

Word around the office was that Lee spent more time getting yelled at by the boss then he did working. Not that his work was hard, far from it. Lee had graduated from college with a very impressive resume. However, he found out after months of looking for a job that no one was interested in hiring a man with a degree in Porn Site Management. Finally, desperate, Lee took a job as a Health Inspector Inspector. Few people knew of his job’s existence. The few that did felt very sorry for whomever held the position.

“Lee, yet again we find ourselves in my office, about to discuss something that shouldn’t be a problem to third graders. I’m very disappointed in you.” The boss seemed angry. Angrier, even, than last time, if that was possible.

“Sir, I apologize for being late. I was about to eat breakfast when I just blacked out. I came to literally five minutes ago.”

“Lee, this isn’t about you being late for the umpteenth time.”

“Then, what is this about sir?”

“Lee, you’re a good worker, your performance reviews show this. But I don’t give a bloody damn how hard you work, you can’t walk in here without any pants on!”

For the first time that day, Lee realized how cold it really was. In fact, he had wondered what that slapping was on his thigh several times today. And women had been laughing more.

It was then that Lee started his descent into depression. Lee
borrowed some pants from the local transvestite stripper that he had known for years and cleared out his desk.

Lee made his way home, dropped off his pictures, file folders, and heaps of stolen office supplies and made his way back down the alley. He returned the pants, after fashioning some out of some duct tape and some old inspection forms, and risked flashing a quick, friendly smile. The transvestite returned the smile, and flashed a lower part of anatomy. Lee quickly made his way out of the alley, vowing to never discuss that, not even with the voices in his head.


Tofu woke early, which was quite the opposite of his usual sleep pattern. He slid out of bed, crawled across the debris field that was his bedroom floor, and finally made his way down the stairs. His living room wasn’t quite as bad as one would think, in fact there was a very nice centerpiece on the coffee table. As Tofu neared the coffee table the centerpiece began to purr loudly.

“Kitty kitty kitty,” mumbled Tofu as he passed. Upon hearing the words, the centerpiece rolled off the table and stretched, trying to make it look like he didn’t just fall off a table. Tofu’s cat was one damned smooth feline, and everyone knew it.

He made his way into the kitchen to get breakfast, with the centerpiece following in his footsteps. He stepped into the kitchen and was quickly knocked onto his ass.

Tofu looked up from the floor and saw a fist coming right towards his
face. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a figure leaving with what looked like his Pop tarts.

Meanwhile, a meeting was taking place in a dimly lit, circular room. The room appeared to be of decent size, with a large table in the middle. The wall on one end of the room was completely covered with a large screen. Displayed on the screen were plans of some sort. Complex diagrams were fitted in spots next to detailed lists of what appeared to be addresses. A heated discussion raged among most of the people seated at the table.

“I think we should go about this an entirely different way,” insisted an overweight, balding man at one end of the table. “It will be way too expensive to go through with this operation, especially with the parameters and expectations you’ve set, Sir.”

“I would have to agree,” another man said. “This has to be the most ludicrous plan I’ve ever --“

His sentence was cut off by a loud gunshot. As his body crumpled to the ground in a lifeless heap, the man at the head of the table stood up confidently.

“Gentlemen,” he began calmly. “I understand that you may have some objections to this plan, and I am more than happy to listen to them. However, this plan has already been put into action.

“We currently have agents in every city, town, village, trailer park, and prison who are waiting for the order. Several have already acted upon my orders, so I could get an idea of how the rest of the mission will go. So far they have had nothing but success. “We are still in the early stages of this mission. The researchers still must figure out a way to administer the serum without damaging the - ” The telephone rang, cutting him off. He answered it, sat back down, and turned his back to the room. The men fidgeted in their seats and exchanged looks of confusion


Tofu awoke many hours later. The centerpiece had disappeared upstairs long ago, the smell of food finding his nose like iron finds a magnet.

He reached up and lightly touched his face. His nose seemed to be fine, just a tender area on his cheek. It would probably bruise up by the end of the day.

He got up and went to get some ice. He wondered who had been in his house, and why they had made off with his Pop tarts. He figured he would think about it later, he was due in at work pretty soon, so he got dressed quickly.

Tofu’s office was pretty plain, aside from the beanbag chairs and milk crate desk that replaced standard office furniture. Tofu’s enjoyed his job greatly. He had started a few years ago, and business was pretty good.

Tofu was a professional ninja by day, and…a professional ninja by night. He was no stranger to being called in the earliest hours of the morning with please to help out with some robbery, assassination, or bar mitzvah. Seeking more money, Tofu decided to expand his services to include protection from sixth grade bullies, entertainment at birthday parties, and even service as a male escort. The last part hadn’t been as lucrative as Tofu had hoped, but he got over that. He could not know that his next client would change his life forever, or at least for a good part of the next decade or so.

At around noon, Tofu decided to take a nap. As he slept, thoughts ran through his head like so many fantasies of beautiful women. His mind toyed with the idea that the figure that took his Pop tarts had just been a hungry homeless person.

At around three Tofu woke up hungry. He ordered a pizza and waited out the thirty minutes it took to arrive. He had barely finished the first slice when the first client of the day walked into his office.

“Oh, hey. Just eating a bit of lunch, hang on a second,” said Tofu. As he took another bite, he motioned for the man to take a seat on one of the beanbag chairs.

Tofu hurried and devoured the pizza, and then cleaned his mouth of crumbs and grease left over. He wasn’t exactly the cleanest eater. “So, what brings you to my humble office on this day?” Tofu said to the man. Tofu put on his most professional smile, used his most professional voice, and even took off his top hat.

“Well, I’ve had a run of bad luck, and I need your help.”

“Look, I’m not a psychiatrist, but I do know where you can get some drugs.”

“What, like Prozac? I tried to get a prescription for it, but it’s so damned expensive nowadays.”

“Yeah, yeah, Prozac. That’s definitely what I meant. Prozac…” Tofu looked around the room suspiciously. He did know some people that knew some people that indeed did drugs, but that wasn’t important at the time.

“Well, it all started a few days ago, when,” the man was interrupted by Tofu.

“Well, how about we start by learning each other’s names. I’m Tofu er… Ninja, professional ninja. You are?”

“Oh, well, my name is Lee, Lee Harger. I was fired from my job a few days ago.”

“Ah, let me guess. You want me to go in, get your boss to hire you back without making it look like you paid me to do it? And if he refuses I get to kidnap his family and hold them hostage?” Tofu’s voice contained traces of excitement. He really enjoyed things like kidnapping families for ransom. It was when he was doing that when he felt most alive. Although he’d never done it before, so he wouldn’t know what it was like. He passed it off as déjà vu.

“Well, er… no,” Tofu looked sad,” You see, it all started a few days ago,” and Lee continued to tell his tale of how his Pop Tarts were stolen. Tofu took all the information in, waited a few minutes, then looked at Lee.

“You sir, are quite insane,” said Tofu as politely as possible. Tofu watched as Lee stood up and walked out. “Wait! Just because you’re insane doesn’t mean I won’t help you. Look at me, I’m wearing a freaking top hat. Tell me what you know.”
To master the water you must first master the bucket.

Post Sat Oct 01, 2005 10:40 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address
  Display posts from previous:      
This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.

Jump to:  

Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Templates created by Vereor and Ken