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Leviticus 11 – The New John V Translation

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jvande7471



Joined: 02 Jun 2006
Posts: 1
Location: NM
Leviticus 11 – The New John V Translation  Reply with quote  

Leviticus 11 – The New John V Translation



1. The Lord God (did not give) Moses and Aaron the following regulations 2. for the people of (the world). 3. You may eat any animal of the land that has not been injected with growth hormones or antibiotics. 4. Animals given growth hormones or antibiotics will be unclean to you. 5. Do not feed such animals to your pets either.



6. Do not eat grubs or worms of the Earth. 7. Although high in protein, they are squishy and 8. you will not be able to get a date, an procreate thusly.



9. Do not eat creatures of 6 or 8 legs that come from the land. 10. They are also squishy and 11. inhabit garbage piles and dung heaps and 12. are unclean to you. 13. And you still won’t get a date.



14. Do not eat creatures of 6 legs and wings. 15. They also inhabit dung heaps and 16. are unclean to you. 17. Accidentally inhaling one of these creatures and 18. swallowing is not an abomination, but should be avoided.



19. Do not eat grains of the land that have been separated from their bran and germ. 20. They have been rendered tasteless and 21. do not supply proper nutrition. 22. If your village has little food and 23. the government has supplied only tasteless grains then 24. they are okay to eat, but should be avoided.



25. Do not eat oils that are not liquid at room temperature. 26. These are unclean to you. 27. These will cause excessive body fat and 28. the Lord God will stop your heart. 29. If you eat such oils, you will be unclean and 30. must run seven times around your city before you are again clean.



31. Do not eat refined sugar. 32. This is unclean to you. 33. This will cause disease and excessive body fat and 34. the Lord God will again stop your heart. 35. Refined sugars combined with cocoa butter and at least 65% cocoa solids are okay to eat 36. as are Nut Goodies (Pearson Candy Co. of St. Paul, MN). 37. If you eat such sugars, you will be unclean and 38. must eat only vegetables of the land for five days before you are again clean.



39. You may eat all vegetables of the land that have not 40. been grown with pesticides or unnatural fertilizers. 41. You will find most of them unpalatable. 42. Vegetables boiled in water will be rendered tasteless and 43. not nutritious. 44. You may eat them, but they should be avoided. 45. Also, do not eat of vegetables containing poisons. 46. There are too many to list, so I will let you figure that out for yourselves. 47. If you eat vegetables grown with pesticides and unnatural fertilizers, 48. you will be unclean and 49. must eat only prunes and whole wheat for seven days.

Post Fri Jun 02, 2006 4:27 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Lara



Joined: 29 Mar 2004
Posts: 2061
Location: NorCal, USA
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Very Happy Very Happy Thank you! This was hilarious. Cracked me up and a good way to start the morning! Very Happy Very Happy
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