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An Ohana Feast
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aiki14



Joined: 05 Jul 2004
Posts: 19
Location: philly burbs
An Ohana Feast  Reply with quote  

My family "BBQ" would have quite a few choices as I have a really big family ( couple hundred at the last reunion) with an average weight that most families would have if they lived on Jupiter.
Of course my first choice would be my sister in law who has the personality of a wolverine with its foot in a trap and has a deep dislike for me and all things wholesome. But alas she doesn't have quite the size to feed the whole group. If we through in her mother, whom she resembles in all things right down to the unnaturally red hair which is styled in the same carapace like fashion, we'd be close but we don't consider her "family".
The choice if all you considered was the availability of seconds for everybody would be my cousin Elizabeth. So enormous several of my younger cousins are trapped in her gravity well and are doomed to orbit faster and closer until they go over her event horizon to be lost forever. Unfortunately there wouldn't be enough wood to cook her properly if we held the event in British Columbia. And to turn her over the fire would require the thing that dug the channel tunnel.
I guess I have to settle on my aunt Helen. She's the one who married my uncle Willy (Gramps's brother) who died before I was born so she's been a widow for 45 yrs and still wears a black mourning dress. She's the right size to feed everybody a healthy portion. ( In my family that would be life threatening to most). And it would be mostly muscle too, you see Aunt Helen is of 1st generation Polish stock, grew up in the coal mining area near Scranton Pa. and resmbles Rulon Gardner. She could beat all the boys in the family at arm wrestling until we were in our 20's and the fear of one of her suffocating hugs haunts me to this day.
Thats my contribution, forgive my longwindedness.
Jim
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Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 6:10 am   View user's profile Send private message
JacksonTriggs



Joined: 25 Sep 2004
Posts: 12
Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Family Cook-out  Reply with quote  

My family is large and loud. They are all from small town Ontario, and their idea of a good time is sitting around the campfire with a Molson in their hand. They are Canadian. Less class than I sometimes like to admit, as is evidenced by the comparisons in who got the better deal: the one who bought the jeans for $5 at Value Village, or the one who traded an ancient toaster for a pair of shoes at the Salvation Army. And the children are snotty little rampaging imps that could cause permanent damage to your auditory functions should you be required to spend more than a week-end a year with them. I don't believe there would be much debate should I be in charge of the meal selection. I think a nice veal tenderloin Chateau Briand with a Bearnaise sauce. Mmmmm... Thus eliminating the decibel level and imprinting some form of culture on my relatives, the even should be of a much more pleasant tone thereafter. My two cents on who to convert into a gastronomical experience.

Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 9:16 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
smartnfunnyfem



Joined: 30 Mar 2004
Posts: 158
Location: West Chicago, IL (about 35 miles west of Chicago to be precise)
Food, Family and Fun!  Reply with quote  

date.
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"Though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass." Much Ado About Nothing Act IV


Last edited by smartnfunnyfem on Thu Nov 04, 2004 2:23 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 11:44 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
ArgonautFleecey



Joined: 06 Sep 2004
Posts: 30
Location: Chicago, IL
 Reply with quote  

My family is large and convoluted, not to mention horribly vindictive. So many people in the group have tremendous disdain for each other, and would be champing at the bit for the opportunity to kill and eat the flesh of their favorite hated relative.

I am certainly no exception from this. If I were in charge, I'd want to eat my mother's second and third husbands (the third is also her current spouse), not because of their nutritional value but because it would be my chance to see them both dead by my hand.

Simply using the size of the stock as a criteria, however, my father would probably be the wisest choice; at 6'4" and 290 lbs., he'd feed the rest of us for a while. My uncle and my cousin (both from my dad's side of the tree)and I would be the next wisest choices; we're all big guys.

Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 1:44 pm   View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Bret



Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 6
Location: Hawaii
My Family can EAT ME!  Reply with quote  

I would gladly and willingly discorporate so that my Ohana might share of my Water. Do you Grok the fullness?
May you'uns never thirst.
Bret "The Cracker from Mars" Shocked

Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 7:18 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
chris
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 3833
Location: People Republic of Northern California
Re: My Family can EAT ME!  Reply with quote  

Bret wrote:
I would gladly and willingly discorporate so that my Ohana might share of my Water. Do you Grok the fullness?
May you'uns never thirst.
Bret "The Cracker from Mars" Shocked



In case you're wondering, Bret sat next to us at the party. Lilly is his new niece. He, however, does not know my Aunt Vron, and I am not introducing him, because I'm not sure he can keep his hands off of her. That's all I'm sayin'.

Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 7:35 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Dave



Joined: 24 Aug 2004
Posts: 451
Location: MA, USA
 Reply with quote  

Bunch of engineers in my family. Somebody would probably suggest we try fishing first. You canibals just stay the hell off our island, please.

Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 7:42 pm   View user's profile Send private message
chris
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 3833
Location: People Republic of Northern California
 Reply with quote  

Dave wrote:
Bunch of engineers in my family. Somebody would probably suggest we try fishing first. You canibals just stay the hell off our island, please.



You guys are toast. And when I say "toast" I mean toast.

The question is not "what strategy would you use for survival", the question is, "who first"?

Toast.

Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 8:50 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Hillary



Joined: 13 Apr 2004
Posts: 1767
I'd eat my Aunt Barbara  Reply with quote  

though the bitch wouldn't have the decency to taste good. She'd be all burnt bacon and gristle.

*shudders*

Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 9:04 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
smartnfunnyfem



Joined: 30 Mar 2004
Posts: 158
Location: West Chicago, IL (about 35 miles west of Chicago to be precise)
well then...  Reply with quote  

we could have Aunt Barbara on toast
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"Though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass." Much Ado About Nothing Act IV

Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 9:08 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Dave



Joined: 24 Aug 2004
Posts: 451
Location: MA, USA
 Reply with quote  

Hey, don't eat me because you asked the wrong question..

BUT, if fishing was out and there was enough fresh water to make food an issue, I'd have to say that my sister Deb would go first. She makes jewelry. If there were natives on the island, that might be a useful skill (and we could eat them once they'd bought all the jewelry) but there's no natives so she's course #1.

After that comes the in-laws: laywer & architect. Sister in law laywer is a real sweetheart but, well, she's a lawyer. Actually, she might come before the sister. Tough call. The brother in law might be useful because he's an architect but given that we don't even have so much as a coconut tree around to build with, he's next.

After that, I'd probably get it. Parents & brother would reason that I'm a smart ass who always asks stupid questions like "maybe we should try fishing before we start the Deb-kabobs" and that's just really annoying.

After that, it doesn't really matter..

Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 9:09 pm   View user's profile Send private message
chris
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 3833
Location: People Republic of Northern California
 Reply with quote  

Hmmmmm, first, eat all the lawyers?


Not bad.


Then again, we could pull a Douglas Adams, eat all the lawyers, then go, "Kidding,there was plenty of food. You guys are so punked. HA!"

Post Mon Sep 27, 2004 1:46 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
kevin



Joined: 08 Sep 2004
Posts: 6
Location: Tennessee
 Reply with quote  

Who: My rich, republican, asshole uncle.

Why: Spite.

What seasoning could be better than the fulfillment of righteous indignation experienced upon consuming a Bush supporter who’s spent their life fucking people over?

I bet he gives me gas.

Post Mon Sep 27, 2004 3:35 am   View user's profile Send private message
Karin



Joined: 08 Apr 2004
Posts: 101
Location: Minneapolis, MN
 Reply with quote  

First to go is easily my big fat loud-mouthed sister-in-law. If she were to stay, she'd drive the rest of us absolutely up the coconut trees (literally) with her constant talk of pregnancy, child birth and Wal-mart shopping. Plus, she's got to go a good 300+ pounds. That's feed the rest of us for months!

My father (unfortunately) would probably be next. He has a history of painful (but as of yet not fatal) accidents. He's fallen off the roof twice, ran head-long into a stack of 2 x 4's sticking out of the back of a truck (in his defense, it WAS dark out), fallen backwards down a hill while holding a goat in his arms (don't ask) and various other interesting mishaps. So he'll be second just because there's no way he'll survive. He's not very meaty though, so we'll have to dispatch with someone else soon after.

Probably my niece will be next. She's only 4, but she inhereted her mouth and personality from her mother (see sis-in-law description above), so we'd really want her to go next. After her my husband - we'd be sick of light meat and want a change of pace with some dark.

During all of this, we'd be fed equally and fairly. My mother would make sure of it. She's the one who gets within a dime on the total cost of Christmas presents for each person. She's been known to leave price tags on to let us know that just because something might look small, it cost just as much as what the other person got. So the meat would be divided very evenly. We'd all be sick of this after a while, so she'd be next. Without my mother's calming influence, the rest of us would kill each other within 2 days, and the vultures would have quite the party!
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Practice safe eating...always use condiments.

Post Mon Sep 27, 2004 9:38 am   View user's profile Send private message
smartnfunnyfem



Joined: 30 Mar 2004
Posts: 158
Location: West Chicago, IL (about 35 miles west of Chicago to be precise)
Karin...  Reply with quote  

Pleeeeeease?

Last edited by smartnfunnyfem on Thu Nov 04, 2004 2:29 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Mon Sep 27, 2004 9:54 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
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