Christopher Moore Home Page

The bulletin board is currently closed to new posts. Instead, why not check out Chris' Twitter and Facebook pages?


bbs.chrismoore.com Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments

At First

  Author    Thread This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.
permanentlyperplexed



Joined: 22 Apr 2008
Posts: 320
Location: South Carolina
At First  Reply with quote  

okay, so bring it on...
_________________
it is my lot in life to meet every ass hole on the planet and admire them for some quality that they possess that most others do not see b/c they can not see beyond the ass holiness ~permanently perplexed

Post Sat May 24, 2008 9:49 pm   View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
urhangovergirl



Joined: 05 Feb 2008
Posts: 705
Location: center of the purple haze
 Reply with quote  

hmmmm...

well. I really liked it, the story. So I finished it, and I really, really like it, but it's kinda hard to read.

grammar aside, it just seems like you were so excited to get the story out that you didn't take your time with telling it. And you really need a synonym for world in that first paragraph. It felt like a sestina, unless, of course, that was what you were going for.

But you have great ideas, and I really want to know more. Who is this flea, and why is he the first one to show up? What is Will going to discover; it seems a lot like that movie, "what dreams may come" and I LOVE that movie. But the story telling was a bit rushed. I didn't feel like I was there, experiencing it, I felt like I was being pushed through it.

because I really like the story, I ask that you reread it to yourself very slowly, and try to see some of the holes, and stiltedness. I think this could be a great story. You had me at the first line, really. I think the idea is captivating, but I got a little lost in trying to follow you. You moved too quickly for me. I wanted more information; more description.

good luck; I can't wait to read more!
_________________
I will gladly ravage you Tuesday for a ravaging today...

Post Sun May 25, 2008 12:47 am   View user's profile Send private message
lisa



Joined: 10 Apr 2004
Posts: 6789
 Reply with quote  

Brave attempt. But the theory is wrong.
_________________
Your religion, you miserable man, begins in your stomach and ends in a lavatory - Nodar Dumbadze

Post Sun May 25, 2008 12:57 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
permanentlyperplexed



Joined: 22 Apr 2008
Posts: 320
Location: South Carolina
 Reply with quote  

Quote:
lisa said:
Brave attempt. But the theory is wrong.


you don't know, are you a flea? Laughing
_________________
it is my lot in life to meet every ass hole on the planet and admire them for some quality that they possess that most others do not see b/c they can not see beyond the ass holiness ~permanently perplexed

Post Sun May 25, 2008 8:30 am   View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
permanentlyperplexed



Joined: 22 Apr 2008
Posts: 320
Location: South Carolina
 Reply with quote  

Quote:
urhangovergirl said:

grammar aside, it just seems like you were so excited to get the story out that you didn't take your time with telling it. And you really need a synonym for world in that first paragraph. It felt like a sestina, unless, of course, that was what you were going for.

But you have great ideas, and I really want to know more. Who is this flea, and why is he the first one to show up? What is Will going to discover; it seems a lot like that movie, "what dreams may come" and I LOVE that movie. But the story telling was a bit rushed. I didn't feel like I was there, experiencing it, I felt like I was being pushed through it.

because I really like the story, I ask that you reread it to yourself very slowly, and try to see some of the holes, and stiltedness. I think this could be a great story. You had me at the first line, really. I think the idea is captivating, but I got a little lost in trying to follow you. You moved too quickly for me. I wanted more information; more description.

good luck; I can't wait to read more!


you're right i did rush through it, must be the ADD Laughing

That technically was the whole story, but your questions make a lot of sense and I realize I left out a great deal of information, so I think I will improve on the fine details. I've never seen What Dreams May Come, but I did have to read a book called The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom, and that helped to influence the idea a bit.

Really, the grammar? Embarassed oh no! I tried so hard... it is a rough draft though (like the third or fourth, Laughing ) back to the grammar board... Shocked
_________________
it is my lot in life to meet every ass hole on the planet and admire them for some quality that they possess that most others do not see b/c they can not see beyond the ass holiness ~permanently perplexed

Post Sun May 25, 2008 9:04 am   View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
urhangovergirl



Joined: 05 Feb 2008
Posts: 705
Location: center of the purple haze
 Reply with quote  

I'd be more than happy to help you with the grammar, and don't fret, because as much of a grammar nazi as I am, I can't even proof my own work. It's hard!

that was it? hmmm. I don't feel like there was a whole lot of resolution there...maybe it will come in the beefing up of the story Wink

what dreams may come is a GREAT movie with Robin Williams! And, it just has that feel to it. Learning lessons in the afterlife, feel.
_________________
I will gladly ravage you Tuesday for a ravaging today...

Post Sun May 25, 2008 10:18 am   View user's profile Send private message
Watching The Wheels



Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 3412
Location: DC
 Reply with quote  

Sorry, I meant to get around to this earlier Embarassed

I really enjoyed reading 'At First.' Very Happy
Fun and interesting!

Fleshed out a bit - slower pacing, a little more explanation or back story - I think it would definitely make for an excellent short story.

Your version of the afterlife was a neat twist on alternate realities in which all probabilities occur.
_________________
Homeless people need more seasoning, use bath salts.

Post Sun Aug 10, 2008 5:31 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
  Display posts from previous:      
This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.

Jump to:  


Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

 
Templates created by Vereor and Ken