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The Bunsen Burner Chapter

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Wonko



Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 4787
Location: ...but it's a hot heat
The Bunsen Burner Chapter  Reply with quote  

Are you looking for general comments about what we thought of the story, whether we found it funny... thought the bunson burner bit seemed realistic...that sort of thing? Or are you asking for more specific, detail-oriented - to the point of being nit-picky types of comments?
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Post Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:08 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
zendao42



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you
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Or maybe just thread-jacking smart ass remarks?

We're good at those, ya know... Wink

Post Mon Aug 04, 2008 4:42 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
urhangovergirl



Joined: 05 Feb 2008
Posts: 705
Location: center of the purple haze
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Well, as a grammar nazi, I'd like to say KUDOS! I wasn't distracted by missing commas and the such at all! Very Happy

But, there are a lot of weird anachronisms. Like, she was pissed about the astroturf, and then he mowed over it, and it seems like it all happens on the same day...and the paper towels just appear out of no where when she is talking to the cop, not to mention that you say she didn't stop eating the ice cream until she hit the bottom of the bucket, but that it was half full when she woke up. I also find it a little hard to imagine the old lady you described as also having an aversion to cussing, especially with the whole "hard" pun thing. Maybe it could be a nun at her elementary school or something who used to pull her ears when she cussed? I dunno, but it doesn't really seem to fit the same character. And how old are they? I would think that most people who would be in the midst of a mid-life crisis would have passed on having children already. Unless she is much younger than he is?

The narration is a little weird with the author's voice seeming to just kinda pop in and out randomly, and frequently in such a short space...I think you may just need to take a little more time with it. Slow it down, put a little more into the descriptions, and flow.

But, really, I think it's a great start! I def look forward to reading more!
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Post Mon Aug 04, 2008 1:24 pm   View user's profile Send private message
tirusthevirus



Joined: 27 Jul 2008
Posts: 58
Location: Canada
 Reply with quote  

thanks for the comments. Yeah, looking for any kind of criticism, observations, whether you found it funny, painful to read, realistic, thread-jacking smart ass remarks, etc.
I appreciate the comments about the anachronisms. I took the time to fix some of those things (like the ice cream being emptied and such). I tend to shift through time a lot, which makes things difficult.

I actually took the Bunsen Burner Chapter and for the 3-day novel contest, turned it into a full-length novel over labour day weekend.

so, as for the mother being crude yet scalding her daughter about profanity, it suits her mother in the sense that her mother is a hypocrite (a do as I say, not as I do kind of person).

I have the author's voice pop in and out throughout the whole novel, so I think you sort of get used to it after a while, though it's kind of jarring at first, I suppose.

By the way, I took the Bunsen Burner chapter down for now. I may repost it again later.
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Post Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:15 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
zendao42



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you
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Later?! What'll we do til then? Shocked

Nevermind, I know what I'm supposed to be doing...

Congrats on the weekend novel!

Post Sun Sep 07, 2008 12:28 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
urhangovergirl



Joined: 05 Feb 2008
Posts: 705
Location: center of the purple haze
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tirusthevirus wrote:

I actually took the Bunsen Burner Chapter and for the 3-day novel contest, turned it into a full-length novel over labour day weekend..


Shocked
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Post Tue Sep 09, 2008 7:26 pm   View user's profile Send private message
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