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Ding dong, the book is done!
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funbagz



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 61
Location: I'd tell you if I knew
Ding dong, the book is done!  Reply with quote  

I've finished my first novel at long last! I still need to edit some more, but I really need some feedback before I change the book's direction anymore than I already have.

Here's a sample:
Chapter 9:
If Cops Have To Act Like Criminals To Catch Criminals, Why Do We Need Cops?


My eyelids fly upward and I see a shadowy figure standing over me, his penis dangling from his left hand, a steady yellow ribbon of urine cascades on my face; I try to scream but it just fills my mouth with bitter waste. I clamber and flounder to my feet and lunge at the little sick-o. I connect my shoulder to his rib cage, the ribs pop like bubble rap, his mouth flies open and a raspy grunt sprays from his gaping mouth. We collide into the white pristine steel bars that clang and resonate from the impact. With my forearm straddling his throat, I finally get a good look at my cellmate, he has the body type of a twelve year old Asian girl, his hair is as white as eggshells and his clothes look like he's fresh off the gulf course. He has to be in his seventies, and by the way he's rambling on about coatracks are a plot to steal our pocket change, he is also very insane. A guard hearing all the commotion strolls over and orders us to quiet down or he'll put me back in the hospital. I release my hold on the crazy old guy, he falls to the floor and continues to rant on about vacuum cleaners conspiring with dust bunnies. I look around my new home and it's not that bad, a naked bulb clinging to the wall silently hums behind a wire cage; even the light in this place is imprisoned. My feet are soaked and splashing about in an inch of shitty water coming from an overflowing toilet in the corner of our cell. I look a little closer to see the old nut has wedged his shoe in there. I look back at the crazy old man and see his naked left foot wiggling just as insanely as he is, he's jabbering on about how nickels are lazy.

So... does anyone wanna read it?
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Last edited by funbagz on Wed Aug 13, 2008 4:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:42 am   View user's profile Send private message
LostInWalmart



Joined: 26 Jun 2006
Posts: 1900
 Reply with quote  

so, a love story?

Post Tue Aug 12, 2008 12:55 pm   View user's profile Send private message
funbagz



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 61
Location: I'd tell you if I knew
 Reply with quote  

Kind of...
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Post Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:04 pm   View user's profile Send private message
TATATA



Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 164
Location: anywhere but here
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yeah

I wanna know why he's in jail
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It's not the men in my life; it's the life in my men.

Mae West

Post Wed Aug 13, 2008 1:10 am   View user's profile Send private message
zendao42



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you
 Reply with quote  

Sounds like there may be a happy ending involved... Wink

BTW, nickels aren't lazy- they keep jumping out of the dryer & attacking me... Shocked

Post Wed Aug 13, 2008 4:16 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
funbagz



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 61
Location: I'd tell you if I knew
 Reply with quote  

Please provide your email address, and my story shall be provided.
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Post Wed Aug 13, 2008 6:11 am   View user's profile Send private message
LostInWalmart



Joined: 26 Jun 2006
Posts: 1900
 Reply with quote  

you could also post it in the fan fiction section of the board. Then we can provide feedback, if you want it.

B

Post Wed Aug 13, 2008 6:44 am   View user's profile Send private message
funbagz



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 61
Location: I'd tell you if I knew
 Reply with quote  

Unfortunately because I mean to publish it, posting my entire novel in a public forum would be problematic; I asked.
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Post Wed Aug 13, 2008 6:51 am   View user's profile Send private message
funbagz



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 61
Location: I'd tell you if I knew
 Reply with quote  

Quote:
BTW, nickels aren't lazy- they keep jumping out of the dryer & attacking me...


But you do agree with the old man's statements about coatracks are a plot to steal our pocket change, and vacuum cleaners conspiring with dust bunnies?

I'm glad you cleared that up for me, before I tried to publish it and made a fool of myself. Wink
_________________
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


Last edited by funbagz on Thu Aug 14, 2008 8:21 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Wed Aug 13, 2008 4:41 pm   View user's profile Send private message
TATATA



Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 164
Location: anywhere but here
 Reply with quote  

morganslook@yahoo.com

can't say i will be able to read it right away though. lots of material, little time
_________________
It's not the men in my life; it's the life in my men.

Mae West

Post Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:53 pm   View user's profile Send private message
zendao42



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you
 Reply with quote  

Psst!
I'm a few chapters into reading the book
but I don't know how long it'll take since I have to sit
right here in front of the distracting computer to do it...

Post Fri Sep 12, 2008 10:49 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
funbagz



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 61
Location: I'd tell you if I knew
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I know exactly what you mean. it took me about eight months to write the ruff draft free hand, and over two years to copy it into the computer. But thanks for trying:)

what do you think of it so far?
_________________
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


Last edited by funbagz on Sun Sep 14, 2008 10:30 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Sat Sep 13, 2008 9:25 am   View user's profile Send private message
zendao42



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you
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So far, so good- unless you're the guy in the book, then you're fucked... Wink

Post Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:00 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
funbagz



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 61
Location: I'd tell you if I knew
 Reply with quote  

Then I'm fucked... Razz
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Post Sun Sep 14, 2008 10:26 am   View user's profile Send private message
funbagz



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 61
Location: I'd tell you if I knew
 Reply with quote  

Still waiting for a response on my book...
_________________
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Post Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:00 pm   View user's profile Send private message
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