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A chapter out of a book I not writing and never will

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Paul R

Joined: 29 Mar 2004
Posts: 1827
Location: Kiribati
A chapter out of a book I not writing and never will  Reply with quote  

Harry grabbed Mildred forcefully and rivetingly. "I want you" he said breathlessly.
Mildred sighed and dropped her bowling ball in the cat. "I want you to Harry, but what about the alpaca?"

"Screw the alpaca" hissed Harry as he snapped her bra strap and put on his sporran and welding mask. "he can wait his turn".
He turned her around, lifted her up and twisted her legs around his neck. Mildred gasped, reached for the airbrush and started working on her photoshop project for night school classes. "Tell me again Harry, why the constellation Orion is geometrically exactly in line with the pyramids?" she grunted.
Harry paused, locked his safe and started to add eggs to his cake mix. "I could tell you Mildred darling, but then I would have to kill you".

"Oh, Harry, why are you so funny?" Mildred cried. Just then the door to the washroom burst open and the manager of the restaurant, backed up by the cook, waiter and alpaca trainer strode in.

"Excuse me Sir, your roast vole is ready. Would you like to see the wine list?"

Harry put down the melon and pursued the wine list. "The 78 Chateau Rothschild please"

"Excellent choice Sir, your table is ready. Oh and Sir? Please put a tie on your alpaca"

Harry slammed the door at his impertinence, glowered at Mildred and touched her there. Mildred groaned, reached for the handlebars and spread her arms wide as the flamethrower recharged his batteries. Just then a storm broke wild and wet and the lights went out. Harry lit a small midget and by that dim light saw Mildred on all fours looking for her bifocals.

"Mildred darling, do you know in this light you look exactly like Richard Dawkins?"

"I do?"

"Yes dear, I hope you take that as the compliment I meant it as" He syntaxed torturously.

"Oh Harry, you say the most wonderful things to me. Not since I was in a Ringling Bros production of "The Death Of A Salesman" playing Willie Loman has anyone said anything so lovely and esoteric about my rough good looks."

"Mildred, I have to tell you something important. I...I, well, I was married last week. I had to do it. She was blackmailing me with grainy pictures of someone who looks vaguely like me from a distance in a country I have never visited at a time when I was in hospital having a testicle removed, having an affair with the Doge of Venice. I had to give in, if the Nobel prize committee find out, I will never get my due for finding out that CERN is a 1960's crime syndicate run by a gay man holding a persian cat. You understand don't you Mildred?"

"Of course dear, we all must do what we can to oppose those godless goons at CERN from their evil experiments. I just wonder how we can help while in this bathroom at at truck stop in North Dakota, popping pills and adding latex to an oil based painted wall?"

"Mildred" Harry intoned as he applied transmission oil liberally to a small hedge, "We are but a small cog in a small machine. No, wait, we are a large cog in a small bicycle. Hmm..let me try that again, we are a large cog in an even larger machine that was in a Chaplin film in the 20's. You know the one where he gets his tie caught in the wheels and finds humourous ways to extricate himself from his predicament?"

"Of Course Harry!" Mildred exclaimed as she put another quarter in the vibrating chair she was sitting in. " When you explain it so concisely, I understand everything. More wine dear?"

"Mmmm. yes, please. Now lets get out of here and re-join your parents and family at the dinner to celebrate your mum's recent failed sex change".

Paul R
'la putain et le moitier-voleur ont perdu leurs boucliers de gencives pendant le dessus-dessous'

Post Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:29 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger

Joined: 10 Apr 2004
Posts: 6789
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hmmmmmmm. That must have been one hell of a Saturday.
Your religion, you miserable man, begins in your stomach and ends in a lavatory - Nodar Dumbadze

Post Tue Sep 30, 2008 8:54 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
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