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A Trip to the Underside of Deb’s Patio (compressed and done)

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Joined: 10 Mar 2008
Posts: 530
Location: St. Augustine, FL
A Trip to the Underside of Deb’s Patio (compressed and done)  Reply with quote  

A Trip to the Underside of Deb’s Patio

Not so very long ago I made a not so kindly remark here on the board in jest. Apparently one of the more enthusiastic posters saw my remark and offered an open invitation to see the underside of her patio. The poster in question is Deb. As far as I can make out, Deb is a very intelligent and gracious person, and understood immediately that I meant no real insult by calling women bitches. Well, I just think that with such a hospitable offer there is no way to turn it down without being rude, so Deb I am embarking on a journey to view and experience the underside of your patio.

Let see, from Florida to …Montana? That’s up north somewhere, isn’t it? With such a swell invitation I’ll just have to assume that finding Deb’s place in that state shouldn’t be too hard, or she would have included a street address. It must be one of those small states, like Texas or Alaska. Should be no problem. I’ll just head out to my brand new vehicle.

It is one sweet vehicle*. I made it out of a small camper chasse and body, but I replaced the engine, and a good section of the back area, with an air drive. An air drive works off of oxygen, taken from the very air we breathe. It draws oxygen molecules out of the air and runs them across the hyrodmolecularpiealationonator mechanism that I invented, and the waste, or by-product, of the process is hot, fresh pie, in any flavor of your choosing. With a minor adjustment, it can make quiche, but eggs only go so far with me. So I guess I need my tooth brush, and some paste. I think I’ll use tooth paste this time, the library paste leaves a strange film in your mouth. And I need a couple changes of clothes, and some food for the trip. Can’t eat pie for every meal, at least not only pie for every meal. Ohh, and deodorant, because you just can’t be too fresh, you know what I mean?

So I got it all together, some tunes to carry me along on this trip. I have a 1 terabyte flac player loaded with all my favorite bands on board in the Air Mobile. I think I’ll call it the Air Mobile. And I loaded the rough coordinates of my trip into my own special gps system that links into my brain directly using the latest in blue tooth technology. So it looks like I’m ready, and away I go…

Driving driving driving and signing along with the tunes, really badly because I just don’t sing well…

to be continued

*If I’m making shit up, I might as well have a really cool ride, right?

Into the Den

Well, it took me the better part of two and a half solid days of driving just to get to Montana. With brief breaks to rest and sleep of course. Now I have been driving around this sate for a week, and still no sign of Deb’s place. It appears that Montana is a fairly large state, as states go, and I am not so sure that I shouldn’t have inquired about an address before leaving. Ohh,, well, an adventure is an adventure. One thing about Montana, it sure seems like a big sky around here. I mean, the sky couldn’t really be bigger here than anywhere else could it? That just doesn’t make any sense, but it sure looks that way when I’m driving around.

Wow, what is that shining in the distance? Sure is bright, I think I’ll just head over that direction and take a gander at what could possible be glowing in the middle of the day like that.

Dumdedumdedum…driving driving driving along. engine going brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and just pumping out pies. Wheels going whrrrwhrrrwhrrr…

…and look at that, why it’s a house that seems to be glowing like a beacon of hope in a flat and beautiful wilderness. I bet no one could hear you scream out here, or care if you did. And it’s not really the house that seems to be creating the light, it’s an area right beside it, like a patio…and a sign at the drive way. Let’s see, it says “Deb’s House, Home of Deb’s Wonderful Patio and All that Lies Beneath.” Why, I just have to take a chance and believe that I found Deb’s place. Just need to head up the drive here and knock on the door.

Hi Deb, it’s me, Uptown_Toodeloo, you know, from the board? Yeah, right, that guy. Well, I decided to take you up on your offer and see the under side of your patio. Would it be possible to see it? It would? That’s great. Sure, right now is a good time for me. No, no one came with me, yes that is correct, I am alone. Uhh, sure, I think that is excellent too, I guess.

So this is the patio of fable? No, I didn’t actually read a fable with this patio in it, I was just joking…well, no I suppose that I’m not really all that funny. Ok, I’ll keep my lame thoughts to myself.

It is a nice patio though, and what is that, a hatch door leading to an underground chamber under the patio? Well, no I don’t suppose that I really had a clear idea of how I was going to get under there in the first…ok, I know, talking too much again. So, sure lets go down.

Wow, very spacious. It seems much bigger than you would think, I mean the vaulted ceiling is a nice touch, and the arches with alcoves, very nice. Almost like a dome in here. (starts to sing in best Geddy Lee imitation, which just happens to be really. really bad)“We break our fast on honeydew, and walk the cave of…” What, you’re not a Rush fan? Actually I was thinking Xanadu, but, ohh it’s my singing you didn’t like, well ok.

What? No, you know I am not very thirsty right now, so thank you for the offer of Kool Aid, but I am going to have to pass.

Ohh, pie, well actually I had quite a lot of it on the way up here and am kind of full right now, but what a gracious offer. Is that a piece of glass sticking out of that slice? Well you know you have to be careful with broken glass I always say.

Yes, that is a nice hot tub. Get in and make some dacaries with that blender there plugged in right next to it? I actually didn’t bring my swim suit, so I’ll have to pass right now. You are very kind to offer though.

So, what exactly is that stick looking thing? It emits an electric shock? Wow, that is unusual, and long too. I bet you could touch me with it from where you are stan…



Light in the darkness

(((((((((((a stirring))))))))))

(((((slowly awakening)))))

(((darkness recedes)))

((mouth tastes like distilled panther piss) distilled in mouth by the way)

(nostrils filled with burning smell, could be hair, could be flesh)

Ohh, I don’t feel so well, and I can’t seem to move my hands or feet. What’s going on?

What, I’m tied up? Well, that’s a relief, for a minute there I thought I had lost feeling in my extremities, hehehe, wohow. So, uhh, not to be rude, but where am I and who are you? Ohh, right Deb, now it’s coming back to me.

So Deb, are we having some kind of a theme party here? Let’s see, I am immobilized inside an alcove in, no wait, under your patio, right? Ok then, now were getting somewhere.

So what’s with the brick wall? No wait, I got it, we’re doing an Edgar Allan Poe theme party, right, am I right? Ohh, you don’t have to say anything. This is sooo neat. And Deb, now I know we don’t know each other very well, but I must add that you are doing some very fine masonry work there. Your mortar lines are perfect, no goop hanging out over the edges, nice and straight, very impressive. I didn’t know you are so talented.

And, could I just interject that I commend you on the decision of using a double thick wall, really well reinforced I must say. Mortar connecting between the bricks with every so many locking the pattern? Wow, all I can say is w-o-w.

Now Deb, I don’t mean to pick on your theme here, but, what…do I remember this poll you have there? Ummm, no, well wait, yes kind of, but I don’t know why you brought it up. Come to think of it, it does look like it could reach me from there. Now, as I was saying, In the Cask of Amontillado, the guy being walled up, as I remember it, was not tieeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddSSSSSGGKKKRKRRRRRRRRRRRRRR



A dream

Surreal visions float across the plane of ideas, dreams slipping through the gaps in memory, leaving traces of cognitive activity sticking to the membrane, manifesting into small, nonlinear thoughts…

Crrrrrcrrrrrcshck…And now on the news, Amanda Bombgardner will be brining us this fascinating story about a very under appreciated avenue of animal husbandry, critter farming, Amanda?

Amanda - Yes Jim, and thank you. I am here with John Appendub, a 4th generation critter farmer, so Mr. Appendub, critter farming? I have never heard of it.

John - Well Ms. Bombgardner, and you can call me John.

Amanda - Ok, but only if you call me Amanda.

John - Ok, hehe, fair enough. In truth I think you might have gotten the wrong of it here, we do farm critters, but really these critters are fritters.

Amanda - Fritter critters John? I don’t believe I have ever heard of a fritter before, except for a fried one *smiles*

John - Well, that is one of the most popular ways to prepare these succulent like guys, you know. Throw the sucker into a food processor and liquefy it and then add stuff and fry it up. Tastes great.

Amanda - You mean to use it like a batter?

John - Well, actually yes. In most of the more exclusive restaurants around the world, these little creatures are the base for the batter used to make all kinds of fritter based foods. You have your corn fritter, and conch fritter, and apple fritter, that’s really more of a desert, but you get the idea.

Amanda - Really? They use animals to make that stuff, not flour or corn?

John - It’s one of the best-kept secrets in the culinary industry Ms. Amanda. A liquefied and deep fried fritter is just one of the tastiest little creatures on the planet.

Amanda - Really, um, John?

John - Ohh, heck yes Ms. Amanda mam. The first corn dogs were made with a combination corn and fritter mixture. They later took out the fritter to save on cost, but it was there originally. In fact the term hush puppy comes from the fritter processing plants. The little guys get nervous when they can hear all that grinding machinery going around and around and they just start a whining, and it bothers the workers some, so they start going, “Now hush puppy, just hush little puppy, it will all be over with in a minute” and then toss the furry little buggers to their deaths. That hushes them right up by the way, not much can make noise after being liquefied like that.

Amanda - You don’t say, unnn, John.

John - Oh, it’s all true I swear a fritter on it. He he heh, I swear a fritter on it, that always gets me.

Amanda - OhhKay, so how do you like fritter farming? Do you have many varieties?

John - Yes mam, I do like farming the furry little buggers. Want to see some?

Amanda - Sure, let’s take a look at these, delicacies.

John - Well, here in the pen we have an orange tongued fly spitting fritter, watch out, they eat like a frog does, but they eat birds and rats mostly, so they sometimes will lash out at a leg. There is a very strong acid that comes out through the tongue that helps to predigest the victim on the way to the mouth. The trip only lasts a fraction of a second, so the acid has to be very strong. As you can see, this variety is about the size of the average toad, so in order for it to consume something as large as an eagle, the acid needs to be pretty strong.

Amanda - The size of an eagle you say, this little cute thing?

John - Yep, just ask Ted over there. We call him stumpy on account of he only got 1 leg left cause one of the orange tongues here got a hold of him one day and wouldn’t let go.

Amanda - I see, let’s just move on then.

John - Ok, I tell you though, it only took that orange tongue about 30 second to completely devour that leg, quite a sight if I do say so myself. Now what we got here is the rare and elusive split purple tailed rocky mountain fritter. Them is good eating if I ever did eat a good fritter. And I have hehehe.

Amanda - I don’t see anything in the cage John, are you sure its there?

John – I did say it is elusive didn’t I? They like to hide as much as possible. It’s best not to disturb them, there is nothing meaner in this world than a cornered split purple tailed rocky mountain fritter. We keep a cage at the edge of the property to ward off grizzly bears.

Amanda - Grizzly bears John? Are there any in this area?

John – Not anymore mam, not anymore.

Amanda - Ok, do you have any others to show us?

John – Well, we can head up to the factory where they are working on a batch of yellow eyed cuties.

Amanda - Yellow eyed cuties?

John – Yep. They are preparing them right now. Remember that movie gremlins came out about 20, 25 years ago? These look just like that. In fact that Spielberg fella came up here before he made that movie, looking for inspiration he said. Well, it was the yellow eyeds that got him. Cute as the day is long and as delicious as all get out.

Amanda - And you are, what did you call it? Liquefying those, right now?

John - Yep, grinding the little dears into soup. Grind grind grind, squish squish squish.

Amanda - I think I’ll pass, I mean look at that, we are out of time today John. I am so sorry.

John – Aww, that’s ok mam, you come on back whenever you have more time. And remember, we always say “It not a Fritter, without the Critter!”

Amanda - Thank you John for that most enlightening story, back to you Jim.

Thank you Amanda for Crrrrrcrrrrrcshck

To continue soon….

A dream continued

Liquid movements stream through thought, my body glides, the water cool and air warm, and I glide…
passing across the surface, there is no resistance, no effort, and I plunge down in the air, only to surface in the water again…
the water blue, the deepest blue, deeper than the sky at the bottom…
The troth lies in the valley, between the peaks of the frosted rises in the ground…
rising to touch the bottom…
swimming, gliding, movement, resistance and my hand catches my sheets…
gliding on the bed on the cool sheets in the night, and it was a dream--I awoke!
Sounds in the corner, giggling and whispers. A child’s voice drifts in the air, and one of the other…
“Who’s there? Little one, is that you?”
“Who is with you?”
“Me” offers the other…
“Do I know you?”
“No” replies the other…
“Why have you come?”
“Little one, what is there?”
“Only the monkeycat” Replies the little one
“The what?”
“I’m the Monkeycat” comes the other’s voice in the darkness, and hops on the bed…
“What is a monkeycat and why have you come?”
“Well, I’m kind of like a monkey and kind of like a cat, so I am a monkeycat, and I have come to play, do you want to play?”
“No, we need to sleep, so please go home”
“Ok, bye” and it disappears
“Goodnight little one”
The room shifts and the walls expand and a creature stands in the middle, staring around, perplexed. It is clothed in armor of some kind. A sound comes from the other side of the room and another creature stands, also garbed in armor of some kind. Their eyes meet and they roar at each other, flinging their bodies forward while drawing knives…
“You!!!” came the response, and they crash!
The blades flick in and out at each other in a dance, and blood is drawn. The exchange is fast, frantic and quickly subsides, each creature bleeding copiously from the chest and extremities. Wounds on the head leave smears on their faces..
“It is all your fault” cries the first creature, “All this war was begun by you and your kind and your unjust attacks on us and our families!”
“Our fault?!!” roared back the second creature. ”You were the ones who killed my parents and family, you were the ones to raze our village and destroy our existence, it was you!!!”
“No! It was you who destroyed our villages and families, and for what? For our land? For our riches? We have none!” cried the first creature.
“It was you who attacked us for our lands and what you thought were our riches, we only protected our selves!”
“That is insane! We have no reason to attack you, we were protecting ourselves. For the last 50 years we have been protecting ourselves from you!” snarled the first creature.
“Do you not remember who started this war?’ Shot back the second creature as he fell to his knees, visibly weakened from blood loss.
“Yes, it was you, I know it was you!” breathed out the first creature, as he to visibly began to weaken. “I know it was.”
“No, it is not possible” breathed the second creature, “is it? Could we possibly have fought for so long that we forgot why?”
Both creatures stopped and stared at each other, lost for hate and lost for vengeance.
“Could it be that we have both been wrong?” asked the first creature as he reached out to help the second. The second fell forward with glazed eyes.
“What have we done?” exhaled the first, as he too fell forward and his life escaped with his breath…
“Did you enjoy that?” came a voice from behind.
“No, not particularly. What was that?” I replied and turned around to see that the room had changed and was facing the Author Guy…

To continue…

The end of a dream

“Whoooa, AG, what are you doing in my bed room?”
‘”I’m not” replies the Author Guy.
“Sure you are, you’re talking to me aren’t you?” I counter. “And I have to say that it is just a little creepy to find anyone in my bedroom late at night like this, even you.”
“I’m not in your bedroom, I’m in your head.”
“O-K-A-Y, like you could fit in my head, I mean come on, it’s not that big” I reply.
“Maybe not that big, but apparently there is plenty of room in there. Your dreaming stupid, remember?”
“I was dreaming, I was dreaming about swimming in an upside down lake under the mountains, but I woke up” I retorted.
“Right, you woke up. Un huh. And then what happened?”
“My daughter was in the room, playing with a monkeycat of course.”
“Ahh, a monkeycat, of course. And that happens a lot around here?”
“Well no” I admit, “but then the monsters attacked each othe…”
“Kind of shifting from thing to thing, like in a dream maybe?” asked the AG. “All surreal like, not really making any sense?”
“Hmmm, now that you put it that way, I suppose it could be a dream…”
“Yes, yes it could just very well be, so could you get with the program here and listen up? I don’t have all night to sit around in your head while you drain the smart out of me. I think I’m getting dumber just talking to you.”
“I could really do that?!” I exclaim. “Ohh, then you wouldn’t be able to write…”
“No you can’t really do that! God your stupid, I’m not really here, I’m just a dream construction to help guide you out of this electro-shock induced mind fuck you’re caught in.” yelled the imaginary AG.
“Unnnn, the electro what was that exactly?”
“You were shocked earlier, by something like a cattle prod.” answered the AG as calmly as possible.
“How did that happen? I don’t own a…”
“I know you don’t own anything like that, you were shocked by Deb!”
“Deb? Oh no, I think you’re mistaken about that, she is just the nicest…”
“NO!! Fuck you’re stupid! Yes she is nice enough, but you pissed her off something bad, and went and travelled across the country to her house for no reason. When she said she wanted to show you the underside of her patio, it wasn’t a good thing!” screamed the AG.
“Are you sure?” I ask.
“FUCKARHHHHHARHAAA! YES YES YES I am absolutely fucking positive about that!!!” erupted the AG as he thrashes around grabbing his head, ready to pound something. “You know, normally I’m a fairly calm person, even as a dream construction, but you are stressing me right the fuck out!”
“Sorry” I say, looking down.
“Aaaah, ok. Look, you need to wake up, that’s why I’m here. If you don’t get guidance out of this deep dream soon, you’re going to run out of air” says to AG, looking me straight in the eye.
“Why, what happened to the plants, did they all die? Do I need to get some nitrogen or phosphorous or something?” I ask with great alarm.
“What the fuck are you talking about now?” yelled the AG in complete frustration.
“You know, the circle of life thing, we breath out carbon-diox..” smack!! The AG looses it and delivers a blow o the side of my head. “Why did you do that?!”
“Just listen to me, and listen as well as your tiny little mind can comprehend. No questions or comments until I’m done, ‘kay?”
“You pissed Deb off and she has sealed you into an alcove in the dome under the patio…”
“Did you see the work she did…”SMACK! “Right, I’ll stop, sorry.”
“You are running out of air because Deb did such a good job.” AG eyes me for a moment, and then continues. “Since there is only a little air in the alcove, you are running out. Before you left for the trip, you installed, oh so conveniently, a drilling devise on the air mobile. You can activate it with the blue tooth chip in your head, but you need to wake up soon so you can breathe. Got it?”
I nod my head for yes.
“Good. Now, once you wake up and get out of here, you need to apologies to Deb and make amends. Offer her as much pie as you can, but remember to keep away from the end of the shock stick or I may not be able to help you again, ok?”
I nod yes again.
“Now this is the most important part, are you paying attention?”
“Yes” I say meekly.
“As soon as you offer Deb all the pie you can, put it down gently and turn and run the fuck away from here and get as far away as you can and never, never, never go near Deb again. Understood? Also, never, never, never piss her off again, understood?”
“Yes AG.” I eek out.
“Ok, I’m going to go now, and I never, never, never want to show up in one of your dreams again, understood?”
“Understood AG.”
“Good.” Then the AG turns to leave, and as he begins to disappear he says very clearly over his shoulder “Fucktard!”



I blink my eyes open, and light seeps into my consciousness. There is a cool breeze drifting across my face, and trees sway gently above. I am in the mountains in mid summer. I slowly sit up. The shadows of clouds float across the valley below, from peak to peak along a horse shoe shaped ridge. Life is glorious, and now I need pie. I need pie in a way that I can’t explain. In fact, I am really stumped to understand the deep longing for pie right now, kind of like my life depends on it. It’s not my normal yearning for the round delicacy, but more like a burning and unquenchable desire. It is so consuming that my chest seems to be burning, and my breathing shallow. Up here on the mountain, in the wide open air, I am suffocating and buried in a ravaging desire for pie, I…
Oh shit, I-need-to-wake-the-fuck-up!

I sit straight up!
only to find searing pain in my shoulders as I wrench my self up against the rope bonds that Deb tied my arms with. My body is slung straight back and I hit my head on the floor. Now little spots of light float in moats across my eyes. Through the spots, there is only darkness. I am pretty sure that this time I am awake, ‘cause sleeping just isn’t this painful. The air in the alcove is getting thick and hard to breathe.
Ok, so I need to activate the Air Mobile and get the dig utility going. Concentrate, use advanced blue tooth technology in head, and …it activated. WHEW! I can feel it digging through the ground above and to the side of me. I need it to come in from the outside of the alcove, so as not to disturb Deb’s patio.
Luckily I also installed a swiss army car gadget that has a rope cutting blade, and a masonry mode, so I can repair this out side of the wall as I back the air mobile out of the hole it creates. The hole will refill as well. I would hate to mess up Deb’s lawn. Ohh good, here it is.
Now to just cut the ropes. Now climb into my cab and start the masonry gadget. Good work, almost as clean as Deb’s lines. Well, almost. Ahhh, the day light from behind as I back out. Sweet! And there is Deb, and she seems kind of pissed.
Hello Deb, that was a tight little spot you had me in. Wow, really a challenge. Could I just offer you some pie? What, would I mind holding the end of that stick? Well actually, I believe I will have to pass on that fine offer. No really, but thank you for suggestion, most kind of you.
Now I have here in the back of my air mobile a wide array of pies. Which kind do you favor? All of them for starters? Ok, no problem there, just let me unload everything…no I don’t believe that you could help me get them out with the stick. You are such a cordial host, please let me get everything out for you.
So all 50 pies are stacked up on this table, in boxes. That look in your eye is enough thanks for me Deb. What, a quick peak under your patio? Why that is a great proposition (Feels the ghostly smack of a hand on my head) but I am afraid that I need to get the hell out of here, and just keep on getting. You agree? You are jus the nicest person Deb, just the nicest.
I hop into the air mobile and quickly start driving away down the drive way. Of course I don’t know what else you would do in a driveway but drive, however, I quickly came to the road and made my way back to a main road. I head in a direction that seems best for a while until I see a road sign. 1 arrow pointing to someplace called Canada and 1 pointing to Wyoming.
Hmmmm, let’s see now. Canada is south, right? So if I go to Canada, I’ll be back in Florida in no time. It might even be a short cut. I sure hope Canada is nice and warm.

The End
"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science." - Albert Einstein

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