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The Swine Flu Tweets

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chris
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Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 3833
Location: People Republic of Northern California
The Swine Flu Tweets  Reply with quote  

The Swine Flu Tweets

So, today Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector changed from the Republican to the Democratic party, the spare Airforce One and fighter escort flew low over Manhattan yesterday, scaring the hell out of the populace, there’s a swine flu epidemic (kinda) that appears to have started in Mexico and was brought into the US by Catholic School kids who were in Cancun on Spring Break, but conservatives have been yelling about it being brought in by illegal immegrants, and new memos are coming out every day about the order of torture of prisoners coming from the highest level of the Bush administration, many conservatives now respond that waterboarding isn’t torture, and Katherine Sebilius, the governor of Kansas, was finally confirmed as Secretary of Heath and Human Services after months of delays. Thus, the swine flu tweets sort of happened. If you don’t know what a “bear”, or a Dirty Sanchez is, well, it’s proably just was well. El Pollo Loco is a Mexican fast food chain. (Or a crazy rooster.)

(Twitter “tweets” are limited to 140 characters. Most of them are about getting coffee.)

The Swine Flu Tweets

Swine Flu: Past tense “when pigs fly.”

Mullahs and Rabbis on Swine Flu: “We told you. Wait. What?”

Dick Cheney on Air Force One NYC Flyover terrifying citizens: Fuck, I wish I’d thought of that!

Swine Flu imported by students on Spring Break in Cancun.
Students rethink body shots off the “chunky” stripper.

Pigs on Swine Flu: You should totally
try turkey bacon and ham.

Turkeys respond to Pigs: Bird flu, bitches.
Our bacon sux. Eat tofurkey.

In light of Swine Flu Tofu Bacon offers service.
Flu victims: We’re not that sick, really.

Authorguy mildly disappointed after Sebelius’s confirmation: “I thought the Sebelius was a race of hot chicks on Star Trek.”

Baseball crowds fear swine flu.
Hebrew National employees trade high fives.

Swine Flu responds to criticism: “Hey, Salma Hayek started in Mexico too and you’d totally let her in your house.”

Salma Hayek responds to Swine Flu: Si, I am from Mexico, but at least I killed that tweak-freak Quintin Tarintino in Dusk Till Dawn

Pigs respond to Salma Hayek: Ooo, momacita, we will wear a flu mask for you, we will be your infectious carnitas of love

Quintin Tarantino responds to Swine Flu: I hated having to stop talking for a full ten seconds while I was hurling. Want to ride bikes?

Mullahs and Rabbis: “Salma Hayek is totally hawt. Wait, what? No, wait. Swine Flu Sux.”

Swine Flu: “Oh hai. I’m in ur bacon givin u poops.”

Airforce 1 to NYC: “Psyche!”

GOP Senator responds to Mexican swine flu origins: Declares El Pollo Loco should be waterboarded for our safety.

New Health Secretary Sebelius Explains to congress that El Pollo Loco is not a disease. GOP says nevermind on waterboarding.

Michele Malkin declares: El Pollo Loco is a national security risk. Calls for a fence around George Lopez and Salma Hayek.

National Security Surprise: Waterboarded El Pollo Loco declared muy delicioso.

Congresswoman Michele Bachman identified as carrier of swine flu after voluntarily undergoing 83 “Dirty Sanchezs” to prove it’s not torture.

Sean Hannity voluteers to undergo Dirty Sanchez for charity to prove that you can’t get swine flu that way.

Lou Dobbs calls for a fence around Sean Hannity, because otherwise he’ll never get that “Mick bastard to stand still for his Dirty Sanchez.

GOP retracts order to close border to Dirty Sanchez after a visit to Urbandictionary.com, GOP:”But Arlen Specter is still a commie bastard.

Salma Hayek is new national security threat: Homeland security revises threat levels: Red, Orange, Yellow, and Bootilicious

Send Salma Hayek here,” say Berlin Polar bears, only weeks after eating a stupid white girl. “We could go for a little Mexican.”

Salma Hayek surprisingly defeats German Polar bears. Contracts Bear Flu. Big and Tall Store in The Castro becomes deserted wasteland.

Senator Larry Craig declares that he has had the bear flu for simply days. Consulted doctor about an erection lasting more than four hours.

Tofu Declares Victory! “Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Mad Cow, who’s your buddy now? Who’s your disgusting gelatinous buddy?”

Limbaugh files Copyright Suit Against Tofu: “I own the phrase “your disgusting gelatinous buddy.”

Bird Flu, Mad Cow, and Swine Flu revealed as vegan plot. Glenn Beck demands fence built around Vegas.

CDC reveals Swine Flu carried by prairie dogs. Ann Coulter rehinges jaw and settles for ravioli.

CDC reveals resurgent Monkey Pox strain is sexually transmitted. Michael Jackson cancels plans to stay home and blow Bubbles.

Author guy returns to work in shame after 15 year old Michael Jackson joke reference. National Threat level returned to “chillin”.

Post Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:04 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Sparky~



Joined: 27 Jul 2008
Posts: 904
Location: Heart Attack & Vine
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Ok, that there is some funny stuff! You are indeed a master of 140 characters or less.

Thank you for posting this so I don't need to be a twit to enjoy your wit. I just can't do the twitter thang.... it's too ADD for me, I am already bombarded by so many technology inputs that I don't think my poor lil' mind can handle any more sporadic disruptions. So thanks for sharing w/peeps like me.

Post Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:18 am   View user's profile Send private message
knikkki



Joined: 13 Jun 2005
Posts: 3145
Location: Davis, CA
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You have mastered this medium.

All Hail the Tweet Master (makes you all tingly inside, doesn't it?)

Could have totally lived my whole life without knowing that such a thing as a Dirty Sanchez existed, however.
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Post Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:14 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
chris
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 3833
Location: People Republic of Northern California
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Sparky~ wrote:
Ok, that there is some funny stuff! You are indeed a master of 140 characters or less.

Thank you for posting this so I don't need to be a twit to enjoy your wit. I just can't do the twitter thang.... it's too ADD for me, I am already bombarded by so many technology inputs that I don't think my poor lil' mind can handle any more sporadic disruptions. So thanks for sharing w/peeps like me.


I know. I don't monitor anyone for that reason, Sparky. And I'm reposting anything I think is funny on the blog so other people don't end up dragged into the twitter thing.

Post Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:56 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Goudron



Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 2570
Location: near Cleveland OH
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chris wrote:
I'm reposting anything I think is funny on the blog so other people don't end up dragged into the twitter thing.


Thank you!
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Post Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:15 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
knikkki



Joined: 13 Jun 2005
Posts: 3145
Location: Davis, CA
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My mom asked me to definte Twitter for her. I sent her this.
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Post Sat May 02, 2009 1:37 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
fortune cookie



Joined: 18 Mar 2006
Posts: 10534
Location: Easy street
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Waterboarded El Pollo Loco, IS delicious!
Tastes just like Chicken!
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But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there." Dana Gould

Post Sat May 02, 2009 5:40 pm   View user's profile Send private message
jaandlu



Joined: 17 Apr 2005
Posts: 4578
Location: Location, location, location.
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I also am refusing to twitter so thanks for reposting this here. I don't need more input, I need less. I think I am going to go back to getting all my news from here. This board contains everything I need to know. I don't even really like facebook anymore. That took about 3 months to get old. What was my point? Oh yeah, no more interweb fads for me. I'm good with the old fashioned Chris Moore board.
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Post Sat May 02, 2009 6:56 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
zendao42



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you
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Ja, if it's not here or on THE DAILY SHOW, it ain't worth knowing! Twisted Evil

It's no surprise the AG rocks Twitter-
think of how many of his quotes would look good on a bumper sticker... Wink

Post Sat May 02, 2009 10:34 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
jaandlu



Joined: 17 Apr 2005
Posts: 4578
Location: Location, location, location.
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zendao42 wrote:
Ja, if it's not here or on THE DAILY SHOW, it ain't worth knowing! Twisted Evil

It's no surprise the AG rocks Twitter-
think of how many of his quotes would look good on a bumper sticker... Wink


That's exactly how I feel about it.
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Post Sun May 03, 2009 7:59 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Vixen Jules



Joined: 19 Mar 2005
Posts: 420
Location: Serenity
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My husband got a little bit jealous when my phone kept texting. He wanted to know who my "little friend was" and why he kept texting me when I wasn't responding.

For being such a smart man, he can be awfully slow some days. Laughing
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Post Sun May 03, 2009 5:19 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
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