Christopher Moore Home Page

The bulletin board is currently closed to new posts. Instead, why not check out Chris' Twitter and Facebook pages?


bbs.chrismoore.com Forum Index -> Blog Comments

New blog post: The Time Travel Tweets

  Author    Thread This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.
mllefifi



Joined: 28 Jan 2006
Posts: 8964
Location: Deleoware
New blog post: The Time Travel Tweets  Reply with quote  

chris wrote:
The Time Travel Tweets
May 25th, 2009

The Time Travel Tweets
I’ve been time traveling lately. Here’s the Tweets I sent back:

Time Travel Tweets

My Time Machine Finally Finished. I’m off to warn them about the bomb. If there’s a city where Chicago used to be, it worked!

Time Machine Working Great. Off to tell my younger self that there’s a reason why that chick at the disco has such big hands.

TimeTravelTweets: Evidently rubbing Hitler’s toothbrush on my butt had no effect on the war. Wait, I’m not typing German. Cool.

Hate that you have to time travel in the nude. In case anyone asks, yes, Neanderthal man had the ability to point AND laugh.

TimeTravelTweets: Cleopatra? Not that hot. I don’t know what the fuss was about. She smelled like asp.

TimeTravelTweet: I’ve just traveled back and taken lunch money from my third grade self. I totally see the appeal now.

TimeTravelTweets: Talked the Vikings into changing out the wiener dog heads on the front of their ships with dragons. We’ll see.

TimeTravelTweet: Freaked Ben Franklin out with my Iphone. Couldn’t get a signal in 18th century Phlly, though. ATT sux

TimeTravelTweets: Glad the Time Machine can pull a trailer. Off to Galilee with a U-haul full of Loaves and Fishes.

TimeTrvlTweet: So Aaron Burr founded Chase Manhattan Bank? I have some bullshit late fees on my Visa to discuss wit him.

TimeTrvlTweet: Burr pissing me off on Chase late fees. Think I’ve talked Alexander Hamilton into busting a cap in his ass.

TimeTravelTweet: Alexander Hamilton pissed at Rupert Murdoch 4 taking over his NY Post. Going to be crap in the duel. Shouldna said anythng.

TimeTrvlTweet: Oops, Burr better shot than Hamilton. Bright note, Dolly Madison can get her freak on!

TimeTrvlTweet: Guess what Attila’s wife calls him? No, “monkey butt”. I guessed wrong, too.

TimeTrvlTweet: Need rope to tow a brontosaurus back from past? Neighbor let’s his dog crap in my yard? “It’s organic THIS, bitch!

TimeTravel:Future Madonna will do you for like five bucks.Thinks adopting population of Zambia was mistake. She’s 90, but still,$5!

Just Time traveled to Ancient Macedonia. Gave a pep talk to a kid named Alexander the Mediocre. Hope that worked out.

TimeTrvlTweet: Painted the Red Baron’s plane green last night. He was all, “I’m sure I parked it there.” Great pilot. Kind of a doof.

TimeTravel: Guess who buys Hooter’s in the future? Not saying, but they’re called Lips-n- Tits. Order a Happy Meal + she adopts U.

TimeTravelTweet: Siege of Haroldsburg rocked! I’m totally going to build a trebuchet and try to fling a Smart Car at Oakland.

TimeTravelTwitter:Almost busted by my six year old self. Hid under the bed for three hours. He was freaked out. Oh great,I’m in therapy now.

TimeTrvlTweet:13th Century totally not ready for Ye Olde Breast Exam Clinic. I repeat, I am not a witch.

TimeTravelTwitter: Went back to find that answer that question you asked. Egg.

TimeTrvlTweet: Paul Revere’s riding by, yelling. I’m all, “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Old news. Ride on, Holmes.”

TimeTrvlTweet: Turns out that Neanderthals CAN mate with humans. But, you need to get them pretty drunk. Someone told me.

TimeTravelTweets: France is nice in 1850. So I go to Monet, “No, dude, blotches. People love friggin blotches.”

TimeTrvlTweet: Visited Pleistocene. Really thought Homo Erectus would have better decorating sense. Disco balls outta rock?

TimeTrvlTweet:Cro Magnons made me chief. The wheel? Fire? Nope.. Turned out, teaching Cro Magals “reverse cow girl” did the trick

TimeTrvlTweet:In ancient Egypt this morning. I’m all, “No, you gotta build them pointy-side up.” That could have been a problem.

TimeTrvlTweet: Ancient Phonecia has a princess Neutrogina. Had to leave. Kept cracking up. She did have nice skin though.

TimeTrvlTweet: Told G Washington I wouldn’t talk about his wooden teeth if he would talk about splinters in my unit.Old jokes work here.

TimeTrvlTweet: Don’t sweat Sarah Connor Chronicles being cxled. In the future you can get Camron bots in two packs at Costco.

TimeTrvlTweet:Gettysburg, I’m like,”Abe, just say eighty seven years ago. It’s like you wrote this on the train here. Jeeze.”

_________________
"If you allow yourself to be offended, then you're a bit of [a] nitwit."
(Christopher Moore)

Post Mon May 25, 2009 12:38 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
knikkki



Joined: 13 Jun 2005
Posts: 3145
Location: Davis, CA
 Reply with quote  

Not sure why, but this was my favorite:

TimeTravelTweet: Siege of Haroldsburg rocked! I’m totally going to build a trebuchet and try to fling a Smart Car at Oakland.
_________________
My Book
My Myspace

Post Mon May 25, 2009 4:35 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
chris
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 3833
Location: People Republic of Northern California
 Reply with quote  

knikkki wrote:
Not sure why, but this was my favorite:

TimeTravelTweet: Siege of Haroldsburg rocked! I’m totally going to build a trebuchet and try to fling a Smart Car at Oakland.



You just like the word trebuchet, because it's so perfectly fucking French Smile

Post Mon May 25, 2009 5:10 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
scratte



Joined: 31 Jan 2009
Posts: 170
Location: The Gulag Archipelago
 Reply with quote  

I like Chicago and Viking's. Lots of fun. Very Happy
_________________
full of sound and fury, signifying nothing

Post Mon May 25, 2009 7:05 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Wonko



Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 4787
Location: ...but it's a hot heat
 Reply with quote  

scratte wrote:
I like Chicago and Viking's. Lots of fun. Very Happy


If you were in Wisconsin, that statement could get you in a lot of trouble... Laughing
_________________
Avoid being normal -- John Lennon

Post Mon May 25, 2009 7:38 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
girlEgirl



Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 6412
Location: olympia, wa
 Reply with quote  

best twitter yet! but um (and i know im gonna regret this) whats a reverse cow girl? is it a position?
_________________
clowns are people too...people who want to hurt you.

Post Mon May 25, 2009 7:50 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Watching The Wheels



Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 3412
Location: DC
 Reply with quote  

    TimeTravelTweets: Talked the Vikings into changing out the wiener dog heads on the front of their ships with dragons. We’ll see.

Not gonna lie. I'm thinking this was a mistake.
I, for one, am totally in favor of seafaring dachshunds.

Post Mon May 25, 2009 11:21 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
zendao42



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you
 Reply with quote  

Please go back about 2 1/2 years (right around the YOU SUCK tour)
& tell me to stop eating Pez out of the dispenser before I break a tooth! Sad

girlEgirl wrote:

best twitter yet! but um (and i know im gonna regret this) whats a reverse cow girl? is it a position?


Now you know you can't un-learn stuff like this... Razz

Post Mon May 25, 2009 11:56 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
knikkki



Joined: 13 Jun 2005
Posts: 3145
Location: Davis, CA
 Reply with quote  

chris wrote:
knikkki wrote:
Not sure why, but this was my favorite:

TimeTravelTweet: Siege of Haroldsburg rocked! I’m totally going to build a trebuchet and try to fling a Smart Car at Oakland.



You just like the word trebuchet, because it's so perfectly fucking French Smile


I DO like the word trebuchet ... but I also like the imagery of flinging a Smart Car at Oakland.
_________________
My Book
My Myspace

Post Tue May 26, 2009 6:37 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
walk



Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Posts: 3329
Location: sittin here on mah porch with dis here gun
 Reply with quote  

are you the doctor?
_________________
"protestant heaven is in the basement of catholic heaven."
my dad

"there's just one more thing.... it's been emotional." lock stock and 2 smoking barrels

Post Tue May 26, 2009 12:37 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Lib



Joined: 16 Apr 2004
Posts: 3423
 Reply with quote  

This one cracked me up the most:

Just Time traveled to Ancient Macedonia. Gave a pep talk to a kid named Alexander the Mediocre. Hope that worked out.

_________________
Book: A garden carried in a pocket. Arabian Proverb

Post Tue May 26, 2009 8:36 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Wonko



Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 4787
Location: ...but it's a hot heat
 Reply with quote  

Speaking of trebuchets... This game has taken up far too much of my time, lately.

Sorry, no smart cars, but I'm easily amused.
_________________
Avoid being normal -- John Lennon

Post Wed May 27, 2009 7:41 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
  Display posts from previous:      
This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.

Jump to:  


Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

 
Templates created by Vereor and Ken