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bigfreezer



Joined: 30 Mar 2005
Posts: 20
Location: Southeast of Disorder
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...his ass. Had he not landed on the soft, inner lining of the giant bunghole that had swalllowed him, the coccyx repairman would have needed to put some of the lessons from all of the self help seminars he'd attended to use.
"Stop. Hold on. Stay in control."
"Ray Davies?" asked Jeremiah.
"No, dickweed, it's Ira. You want to tell me what in the hell is going on? I've spent the last two hours in my car listening to the freakin' Kinks. There's no radio reception and that's the only CD I had in the Beamer. What's with the smell around here?"
"No clue," Jeremiah shrugged. "I thought you were on your way up here two weeks ago. What happenned?"

"Two weeks?," quizzed Ira. "I just talked to you this morning. And what's up with your pet turtles?"

"They're not my turtles and stop screwing with me. The last time this type of thing happenned, I ended up in rehab," Jeremiah retorted as the pitch of his voice rose.

"Okay," said Ira. "Let me say this really slow. I called you at 9 AM THIS MORNING! I had breakfast at my condo in Dayton. I packed two nights worth of clothes and headed up to Buffalo. I get to your office at 4:00 this afternoon and you weren't there. So I went to your apartment and waited. I sat in the parking lot for two hours and dozed off. I woke up a few minutes ago with Ray Davies bitching about the little green man in his head and saw you walking about a hundred yards in front of me. I flipped on the lights, got out, and here we are. You really need to consider finding some better stuff or getting yourself back into rehab. And tell your damn turtles to stop laughing at me!"

"My turn", Ira replied. "Real slow for you too. Not my turtles. Not laughing, snickering maybe. Two weeks, not seven hours. Not my parking lot. A GIANT FREAKIN' ASSHOLE HAS SWALLOWED BOTH OF US, YOUR BMW, AND YOUR DAMN KINKS CD! What part of this don't you understand?"

Just then a giant voice bellowed as the wind picked up. "BOTH OF YOU STOP. HOLD ON. STAY IN CONTROL. THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO.........

Post Fri Apr 01, 2005 5:56 am   View user's profile Send private message
y



Joined: 22 Mar 2005
Posts: 3858
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...THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO GO TO DISNEY WORLD! YOU'VE JUST WON THE SUPERBOWL!"

"Wow! Did you hear that Ira! We just won the Superbowl! Now get in your car and start driving!"

Fueled by excitement, the two men scrambled to get into the BMW. Confetti was falling from the sky and the crowds of tutles were cheering. Giant speakers appeared on the sides of the buildings blasting Thin Lizzy's "The Boys Are Back in Town". Everything seemed great until...

Post Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:44 am   View user's profile Send private message
Regina



Joined: 02 Mar 2005
Posts: 952
Location: Northeast U.S
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Just then a giant voice bellowed as the wind picked up. "BOTH OF YOU STOP. HOLD ON. STAY IN CONTROL. THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO CHANGE THE DAMN CD AND PUT ON YOUR GAS MASK, WHICH YOU WILL FIND TO YOUR LEFT!."

"How the hell can we cahnge the cd when we don't have anything else?" Jeremiah queried.

A cd booklet suddenly appeared in his lap. "Oh. Uh, thanks."

"While you are searching through my cd collection, Jer," said Ira, "I thought I might point out to you that coccyx repair and proctology are not the same thing at all. You could totally get sued for the way you treat your so-called patients."

"Who cares? You could get sued for this cd collection! WHat the hell is this crap? Stevie Wonder "Part Time Lover" extended dance remix? Phil Collins? The Pope's spoken word album? Jesus, Ira, the best thing in here is the Best of Olivia Newton John volumes 1 and 2."

"Jeremiah, those dropped out of thin air. I have nothing to do with it."

"Oh, sorry. Olivia Newton John it is I guess."

The booming voice requested, "PLEASE PLAY PHYSICAL AT HIGH VOLUME."

Jeremiah rolled his eyes, Ira cursed. They donned their gas masks.

"Well," Ira said in vadar-speak, "when a booming voice tells me to do something, I usually do it. Act first, self-medicate later."

Jeremiah nodded and turned up the stereo. As the first measure of synth pop began....

Post Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:47 am   View user's profile Send private message
Regina



Joined: 02 Mar 2005
Posts: 952
Location: Northeast U.S
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AH! Me and Y posted at the same time! Okay, I think thats a sign- somebody pick one of the last two entries and end this thang. We'll start another one ...

Smile

Post Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:51 am   View user's profile Send private message
y



Joined: 22 Mar 2005
Posts: 3858
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I'm terribly sorry for the double posting!!! Mabye it is a sign! (I hate it when the turtle are right!)

Post Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:58 am   View user's profile Send private message
Regina



Joined: 02 Mar 2005
Posts: 952
Location: Northeast U.S
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As the first measure of synth pop began Jeremiah and Ira saw a billboard advertising for Cliff Richards, then far too late, a sign saying that there was an actual cliff up ahead. They went over it, crashed, and subsequently died. The worst horror of it was that they were escorted to the afterlife by angels resembling turtles with huge glowing teeth...

Post Mon Apr 04, 2005 7:14 am   View user's profile Send private message
y



Joined: 22 Mar 2005
Posts: 3858
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The worst horror of it was that they were escorted to the afterlife by angels resembling turtles with huge glowing teeth chomping in rhythm to "We Will Rock You". Jeremiah and Ira stared straight ahead in horror as their car floated deeper and deeper into the mass of angelic turtles. Suddenly Ira's teeth started chattering.
"Ira, what's the matter man?"
Ira turned towards Jeremiah with his eyes bulging and teeth chattering. He watched as his friends skin began taking on a greenish hue.
"Ira! Ira! What's happening!" Jeremiah exclaimed as his own skin began to turn green. "What's haaaa-ppppp-haaaaa-pppp-eee-nnnn-gggg!" But Ira couldn't answer. Instead a loud voice began speaking, "Jeremiah, you....

Post Thu Apr 07, 2005 12:55 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Regina



Joined: 02 Mar 2005
Posts: 952
Location: Northeast U.S
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Instead a loud voice began speaking, "Jeremiah, you have been chosen to be the patron saint of wounded cocci ! Even as we speak, people with bruised tailbones everywhere are having visions of your face on their rear ends! The fate of Human-Spine is in your hands!"

"Shouldnt' that be pluralized?" asked the turlte/engel which was once known as Ira.

"SiIlence plebe!" the voice demanded. There was a pause while Jeremiah began to ponder the weight of his responsibility. The voice, which sounded much calmer, said, "Well, actually it should be pluralized, but it doesn't have as nice of a ring to it."

"I see what you mean," said Ira.

Jermiah protested, 'No, I can't be the patron saint of the bruised coccyx, I..."

Post Thu Apr 07, 2005 1:23 pm   View user's profile Send private message
y



Joined: 22 Mar 2005
Posts: 3858
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"No, I can't be the patron saint of the bruised coccyx, I...I...just can't!"

"And why not?"

"Well, for starters, none of this is real. I was swallowed up whole by a giant ass and now...well...now....I think I need to check into rehab."

"J-E-R-E-M-I-A-H!! I did not open the sink hole and swallow you up for no reason at all. Y-O-U are my chosen one."

"I just can't be the - hey, what do you mean by 'my' chosen one?"

Jeremiah stood tapping his foot on the ground as he waited for the booming voice to answer when the clouds of turtles parted and all of the light from their gleaming teeth was focused on...

Post Thu Apr 07, 2005 1:40 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Regina



Joined: 02 Mar 2005
Posts: 952
Location: Northeast U.S
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the curvy silhouette of some undoubtedly fabulous female. As she approached, Jeremiah could make out some of her features and was annoyed to discover that it was Jocelyn. She just looked different because her hair was done up in a genet and she was wearing a flimsy white dress, which was quite distracting.

"Help me Jeremiah," she said, "You're my only hope."

"Help you do what Jocelyn? I already offered to fix your coccyx and you said no."


"But Jeremy, the galaxy needs you" Jocelyn pleaded.

Ira the turtle angel started to chuckle and make wookie noises from the film Star Wars.

"I don't know, princess. If I do this, what's in it for me?"

Ira fell back on his turtle shell from laughing to hard and two other turle-angels had to help him get up.

Suddenly, Jeremiah yelled into the sky, "Y, Regina, you fuckers! Stop messing with one of the greatest science fiction films ever, and let me find out what the hell is going on!"

Ira and Jocelyn looked at Jeremiah with concern, "Dude, are you hearing things?"

"No. Just tell me......"

Post Fri Apr 08, 2005 7:51 am   View user's profile Send private message
y



Joined: 22 Mar 2005
Posts: 3858
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"No. Just tell me one thing...do you know my father is?"

As Jeremiah finished his question, the turtles all began rolling and laughing hysterically. Their tiny mouths opening and closing at random intervals causing Jeremiah to feel like he was in a disco with strobe lighting instead of floating around in the afterlife.

Snapping out of the urge to do the hustle, Jeremiah turned to Jocelyn and said, "...

Post Fri Apr 08, 2005 8:04 am   View user's profile Send private message
Regina



Joined: 02 Mar 2005
Posts: 952
Location: Northeast U.S
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"Uh, wait a second, are you dead too?"

Jocelyn smiled, revelaing a clue, the luminoous teeth that outshone even the rbightest of turtles mouths.

"No, Jeremiah, I am an angel. An angel witha fault coccyx, perhaps, but an angel nonetheless."

"Well, what the hell were you doing with that big cup of coffee? How did you fall over if you've got supernatural powers and such?"


"Hey," Jocelyn argued, "I never said I was graceful. And angels LOVE coffee. Anything with a double shot of espresso in it is like sex to us. Enough questions, Jeremiah, are you going to help me or not?"

"You still haven't told me what I have to do, or what I get in return for helping you out."

"Well," said Jocelyn, "It's like this......

Post Fri Apr 08, 2005 8:19 am   View user's profile Send private message
y



Joined: 22 Mar 2005
Posts: 3858
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"Well," said Jocelyn, "It's like this, first I think you'd better have a seat." .
Jeremiah turned and was surprised to see a big lazy boy recliner spring right up out of the clouds behind him. He was even more surprised when he sat down and saw rows and rows of turltes forming a giant circle in the sky, with their mouths held open as wide as little turtle mouths can be held open. But perhaps the most shocking thing to see was Jocelyn floating in the middle of the turtle circle in a Vegas showgirl outfit (complete with a huge feather head piece). A small group of turtles broke off on the right began wailing out a jazz and blues piece that would have both inspired Bob Fossy as well as had him roll around in ecstasy.

Suddenly the turtle band, who weren't bad by the way, went silent and all mouths were once again focused on Jocelyn. She hung suspended in the turtle circle, arms spread out, chest held high, chin up, and one leg in front of the other. Slowly she raised her arms above her head, opened her mouth and...

Post Mon Apr 11, 2005 6:16 am   View user's profile Send private message
Regina



Joined: 02 Mar 2005
Posts: 952
Location: Northeast U.S
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Slowly she raised her arms above her head, opened her mouth and began to sing that song, "Pennies From Heaven," witht he turtles managing to make the sound of crackling and popping vinyl for authenticity.

Jeremiah was impressed, but getting impatient, "That was trulu amazing, and yet incredibly uninformative. Since we are talking about how I will be spending my eternity, I'd like you to quit messing about and tell me what you want me to do,"

"Well, actually, " said Joecelyn......

Post Mon Apr 11, 2005 7:40 am   View user's profile Send private message
y



Joined: 22 Mar 2005
Posts: 3858
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"Well, actually, " said Joecelyn, "I never said you'd be HERE for eternitiy, nor did I mention that I'd need your help for all of eternity. I mean really, you're a nice guy and all, but we did just meet."

Completely baffled by Jocelyn's response, Jeremiah just sat in the recliner, feet up, laid back, one hand rubbing his stomach.

"Really," Jocelyn continued, "Just because I let you in on a little secret that you happen to be the 'chosen one' I'm just supposed to give up my freedom as an independent woman and settle down with you?"

Jeremiah was on his feet in an instant, "Settle down with me? What the hell are you talking about? I never asked you to set-"

"Oh, I see how it is. Just because you're a repairman and I have coccydynia you automatically become my knight in shining armour to save the poor defenseless little me. Well, listen up buddy, you..."

Post Mon Apr 11, 2005 12:10 pm   View user's profile Send private message
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