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Any Albert Brooks fans out there?

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knikkki



Joined: 13 Jun 2005
Posts: 3145
Location: Davis, CA
Any Albert Brooks fans out there?  Reply with quote  

One weekend I sprained my ankle and decided to have an Albert Brooks movie marathon, the result was this poem, pretty much only funny if you know the 3 movies. (reference at the end of course indicates I wrote this during the OJ trial)

Defending Your Modern Romance In America

an american man once said to me
“modern romance is dead”
but in its defense, I have to say
that delusion was all in his head

this is the story of a neurotic man
and his three romances
he went through some major shit
and then he took some chances

mary was the perfect girl
but their relationship was not
they were on again off again, over and over
in a vicious cycle they were caught

it was a no-win situation
much like vietnam
he dumped her over dinner
they both lost all their calm

he told her not to call
then he waited by the phone
then drove by her house
but she was not at home

he bought a giraffe and other toys
and they got back together
it wasn’t easy sailing
there’d be more storms to weather

he caught a glimpse of her phone bill
tucked neatly in a drawer
she talked to new york for two hours
that lyin’ cheatin’ whore

he took her to a cabin
in the mountains way up high
and asked about the phone calls
what could she do but lie?

finally he decided
for ‘ere the torch he carried
that rather than break up again
they should just get married

the marriage thing in retrospect
was an obvious error
the marriage lasted three whole weeks
and those three weeks were terror

robert and mary went their ways
both separate and unique
‘course what really happened was
he called her in a week

but mary stayed strong, rob had to move on
and that’s when he met linda
and so another story comes
the romance of robert and linda

rob and linda hit it off
in no time at all they were married
responsible jobs, responsible lives
in yuppieville they tarried

‘til finally there came a day
that rob was to be promoted
they gave his position to phil shabano
rob was way out-voted

rob got pissed and told his boss
he was a bald-headed-fart
so after eight years, he walked out the door
to give his life a new start

easy rider was his favorite flick
and a lifestyle he wanted to try
so linda quit her job too
and the adventure started to fly

they liquidated, consolidated
and built a big nest egg
then they had a party
and said farewell with a keg

they wanted to touch indians
so they bought a motor home
they had no destination
across the states they’d roam

they decided to stop in vegas
to renew their wedding vows
and on the way to vegas
they saw some dairy cows*
(*ok ... they didn’t really see cows, but I was getting tired and needed a rhyme.)

that night while rob was sleeping
linda took the nest
‘i’ll go make some money’ she thought
‘oh this is just the best’

in a vegas like frenzy
she stood at roulette
twenty-two twenty-two
“i’ll make just one more bet”

when robert woke in the morning
his wife was no where to be seen
he went down to the casino
and there he got pretty mean

the nest egg had consisted of
one hundred thousand dollars
and linda had just scrambled it
what could he do but holler?

he talked to the manager
about perhaps a deal
“the desert inn has heart” he sang
how does that make you feel?

the man was unsympathetic
to robert and linda’s plight
so they drove to hoover dam
and there they had a fight

with eight hundred dollars to their names
they continued on their way
they drove to arizona
for some rest and a new day

they both got jobs the next day
he was a crossing guard
they hated this new lifestyle
arizona was barred!

they said “fuck easy rider”
let’s go back to l.a.
they groveled for their jobs back
which they took at lower pay

the strain was much to much
for linda and for robert
so they ended their marriage
rob was once again hurt

he threw himself into his job
where he made up jingles for ford
his life sucked, he didn’t have fun
basically he was just bored

he bought a bmw
which was a story in itself
but that bmw
turned out to be back for his health

it had a cd player
blaring barbra’s broadway hits
“could be, who knows” she wailed
it really was the pits

he passed another driver
who could also hear the crap
he yelled out of the window
“do we all have to listen to that?”

it was then that he decided
to find another disc
down he looked for something
and there he took the risk

he found his michael bolton
but was looking down too long
his beamer ran into a bus
and there it hit head on

robert died instantly
and was transported to a place
they call judgement city
where your past you have to face

but in his past he found his future
for there he met a woman
it was love at first sight, on a glorious night
and robert felt no more pain

the big brains there had sentenced him
to nine days of defending his life
and when his fears weren’t conquered
he knew julia could not be his wife

“three percent of your brain,” they said
“is much to little to use
off you go to earth my friend
once again you lose”

julia had passed her tests
and she was moving forward
robert was on the yellow train
earth he headed toward

he caught a glace of julia
and mastered all his fears
he broke out of the yellow tram
amongst some crowded cheers

he reached her in the red tram
and the big brains let him go
finally he’d found the “one”
this chance he wouldn’t blow

julia and robert
lived happily ever after
and in their home you’d always hear
loving words and laughter

we don’t need lance ito
to make this judgement call
romance is alive and well
and waiting for us all
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