Christopher Moore Home Page

The bulletin board is currently closed to new posts. Instead, why not check out Chris' Twitter and Facebook pages?


bbs.chrismoore.com Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Here

Pedo Santa

  Author    Thread This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.
funbagz



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 61
Location: I'd tell you if I knew
Pedo Santa  Reply with quote  

I just finished this a second ago so it might have some errors left, but it was hard to figure out how to format a news broadcast into a short story. Please forgive me if you are offended by my very twisted sense of humour. Please tell me what think of it, doesn't matter if you loved it, hated it or didn't care either way.
enjoy:)

Pedo Santa

Good evening, I am Chad Brakely and this is your BMFK special news report. The perfectly preserved remains of a twelfth century castle has been found under six-hundred feet of ice in the arctic circle in the early hours this morning by renowned archeologist Dr. Burt Lepstien.

Many in the archeological community have been quoted on Lepstien's theory of Santa's workshop actually existing to be pure fantasy. But at three-forty-seven this morning Dr. Burt Lepstien's theory was completely vindicated. One of Lepstien's assistants was quoted only hours after they made this historic discovery saying "I knew the pudgy basterd really existed."

More than Santa's existence was confirmed on this monumental day; hundreds of mummified remains have been discovered in a large factory like room in the center of the castle. The mummies are no taller than three feet in height and through medical examination, the ages of the mummified remains has been established to be between the ages of sixteen to sixty-eight years of age. Further medical examination has also discovered they do not have any of the characteristic deformities found in dwarfs or midgets. Dr. Lepstien is reluctant to call them Satan's elves, but it seems by the evidence so far that they might actually be Santa's magical elf work force that according to legend made all of the toys that Santa distributed to all the children of the world.

The greatest mystery of one of the greatest archeological finds of the century is what could of happened to bury Santa's famous workshop in over six-hundred feet of solid arctic ice? Stay tuned as we go deeper into Santa's castle in search of the answer to this and many more questions after these short messages.

*Have you ever been faced with stubborn, stuck-on stains that just won't let go of your favorite outfit? Then look no further, Squeaky Cleaner is here! Grass stains, grease, ketchup and red wine are all gone in seconds with our revolutionary new stain remover, Squeaky Cleaner. We guarantee you'll never have to pay those overpriced dry cleaning bills ever again. Guarantee not actually a guarantee.*

Welcome back. We will be going live to Santa's castle in a moment. But first let's go a little bit into the legend of Santa Claus. Many historians say that the legend of Santa Claus spawned from Saint Nicholas who is the patron saint of children, mariners, pawnbrokers, and the countries of Greece and Russia. He died on December 6, c. 1683 A.D. But Dr. Burt Lepstien on a archeological dig in Siberia found evidence that pointed to the possibility that the real Santa Claus may have existed much earlier and the legend of Santa Claus is more literal than most historians believe.

I've just been informed our satellite feed is ready. Here is our onsite reporter Jon Tit at Satan's castle, Jon.

"I can't believe they've sent me to this frozen mother fu... are we on? oh crap! Hi Chad, we are in what the archeologists are calling Santa's bedroom and what the medical examiner has found is a horrible site: at lease six mummies have been found chained to the walls, with no clothes of any kind. But even more disturbing is the fact that the medical examiner has discovered unlike in the workshop, these three foot mummies are in fact the remains of children, none of them older than ten years old. This is Jonathon Tit for BMFK news reporting, Chad."

Shocking news. It appears that Santa Claus may have been actually a child abductor and pedofile and the stories of Santa being the bringer of toys may have all been a smoke screen to cover the fact that Santa Claus might very well be a pedofile. Shocking news, just shocking. This and more after a short message from our sponsors.

*"Mommy, all the kids at school keep picking on me!"
"Don't worry about that son, because I got you the new Bully Stopper 2000."
"What's that mommy?"
"It's a modified cattle prod. Any time a bully tries to pick on you, all you have to do is zap him with it and fifty-thousand volts will course through his body sending him to the floor twitching for hours."
"Wow, I'm going to use it on my gym teacher first, he keeps rubbing my ass and he looks at me funny."
"You little scamp, don't use it too much, I don't won't to have to keep buying you new batteries all the time." Brought to you by the same company that brought you the Wedgie Proofer and how to kill your parents in six easy steps. Warning, side effects include: permanent loss of long term memory, schizophrenia, loss of bowl control, coma, heart attack and death.*

I'm Chad Brakely and we bring you a BMFK news exclusive. Is Santa Claus a pedofile? We intend to find out by talking to the man who discovered Santa's castle, Dr. Burt Lepstien. Via our satellite uplink we bring you Dr. Lepstien at Santa's castle in the north pole.
Dr. Lepstien, how can you explain the presence of six mummified children chained up, naked in Santa's bedroom?
"First of all, I cannot confirm that it is indeed Santa Claus' bedroom."
But the room is the largest bedroom in the castle, with the most lustrous furniture and there is a portrait of what seems to be Santa himself hanging over the very large four-poster-bed. Who else would live in the best room in the castle, but the boss?
"That is all circumstantial, we need to study the evidence in greater detail before anyone could jump to that kind of conclusion."
You still have to admit that all the evidence is pointing to the fact that Santa may very well being a child rapist!
"I will not agree to anything like that until all the facts are in."
But it sounds like you are thinking that it is true that Santa Clause is indeed a pedofile.
"I'm sorry I cannot do that."
Dr. Lepstien you must at least have an opinion on this matter. Dr. Lepstien, Dr. Lepstien are you there? Hello? Well it seems we have lost our satellite connection, we will try to have it back up as soon as we can. But for now as it stands the proof is mounting that Santa Claus is in fact a pedofile, among other possible crimes.

It is shocking to find a childhood icon that has stood for centuries, brought down in such a horrible scandal that will effect the entire world for many years to come. Will we tell our children about the jolly fat man who comes to our houses to bring presents and take from our homes something far more precious than some cookies and glass of milk, our children? Will the world ever be the same magical place it once was before this horrible discovery came to light? Up next, how to keep your house lemony fresh even with a house full of dirty, smelly kids. For all of us at BMFK news, I'm Chad Brakely, be safe and have a marry Christmas.
_________________
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


Last edited by funbagz on Sat Jul 09, 2005 4:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Thu Jul 07, 2005 2:41 am   View user's profile Send private message
funbagz



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 61
Location: I'd tell you if I knew
Please Give Me Some Feedback  Reply with quote  

I've been waiting a while and I've not gotten any criticism, I could really use some. Like CM said "It's hard to write in a vacuum"
_________________
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Post Sat Jul 09, 2005 10:39 am   View user's profile Send private message
  Display posts from previous:      
This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.

Jump to:  


Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

 
Templates created by Vereor and Ken