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Chain Story 4: Pie Harder
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Regina



Joined: 02 Mar 2005
Posts: 952
Location: Northeast U.S
Chain Story 4: Pie Harder  Reply with quote  

Buck the Piemaker stood over the mixing bowl, sweat trickling down his face in tiny rivulets of liquified frustration.

"Something is missing from the crust. It's not special enough. But at least, today, I have burned nothing."

He stepped away from the counter and walked to the sink to rinse off his sweaty face. This was in order to avoid getting "Buck juice" into the mixture of sugar, cinammon and apples.

As the water cooled his overheated head, Buck looked out the the window. To his dismay he saw....

Post Tue Oct 11, 2005 6:09 am   View user's profile Send private message
FattyFattyPorkFace



Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 6381
Location: Michigan
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...12 midgets carrying a large silver platter. On top of the platter lay the most exquisite giant peach cobbler that Buck had ever seen. Silver and gold adorned the cobbler like jewellery on a most edible princess. How could he ever measure up to such a creation?

He quickly turned away from the diminutive waiters and their oversized dessert, fraught with doubts regarding his own peach-cobblering abilities. Just as he was in the latter stages of tearing his hair out (and pondering on whether it would grow back), there came a knock at the door. He quickly wrapped his head in Brawny towels to soak up some of the blood and ran to the door.

"Who is it?" he said.

Post Tue Oct 11, 2005 6:22 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Kate R



Joined: 29 Sep 2005
Posts: 463
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"I think you know," said the voice. Buck peeked through the eyehole and saw Grandma Helen hunched like a twelve-year old over a gameboy. She was carrying a white box, a pie box. He glared and opened the door.

"What do you want?"

Post Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:08 am   View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Regina



Joined: 02 Mar 2005
Posts: 952
Location: Northeast U.S
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"What do you want?"

Grandma Helen cackled, both viscously and viciously. "Your soul!"

Buck rolled his eyes. "For the last time, Granny Helen, you cannot have my soul. What's the real reason you have darkened my door today?"

"I have come to...."

Post Wed Oct 12, 2005 12:31 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Naked and Famous



Joined: 23 Jul 2005
Posts: 1044
Location: Redmond, WA
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"I have come to bequeath you with our families secret to long life and sexual endurance. You are finally at the right age to use the wisdom appropriately..." She replied.

Post Wed Oct 12, 2005 12:39 pm   View user's profile Send private message
zevon



Joined: 14 Oct 2005
Posts: 761
Location: SoCal
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Buck's interest was instantly piqued, and his disdain for the old bat waned momentarily. He flashed the best fake smile he could muster and stepped aside to let her in.
Grandma looked up and noticed the Brawnys clotting to Buck's mottled scalp for the first time.
"What the hell is that on your haid, Boy? No wonder you can't find a decent woman, sitting around the house all day with Kotex plastered to your empty noggin..."
"Never mind that now, Grandma", he interrupted, " let's have a look inside that box!"
Sighing the weary sigh that only one who has suffered way too many fucktards in a lifetime can sigh, the old woman lifted the lid with a grunt...

Post Thu Oct 20, 2005 8:00 pm   View user's profile Send private message
NodakFiddler



Joined: 17 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Mexico
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. . . and out flew a disgusting little creature who was mumbling something to himself. Buck dove under a counter and covered his blood crusted head.
"What the fuck is that?" he yelled, hoping granny wouldn't notice that he'd shit himself.
"It's a bat, dipshit." Buck peered at the animal who was hanging from a pot rack. The bat wore aviators and a florescent green feather boa.
"Sacred fruit bat guano is the answer to perfect pie crusts and immortality. It's what the dozen midgets use in their famous peach cobblers." Buck crawled out from under the table just as the . . .
_________________
I've got eyes for you. And I keep them in a jar up in my room. When you come in they open wide, lids are gone, no place to hide. I've got eyes for you.
~Old 97s


Last edited by NodakFiddler on Fri Oct 21, 2005 6:35 pm; edited 2 times in total

Post Fri Oct 21, 2005 12:52 pm   View user's profile Send private message
zevon



Joined: 14 Oct 2005
Posts: 761
Location: SoCal
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...bat dropped a sizable load, not big enough for a full on pie, but certainly worthy of an ample peach turnover.
Buck scrambled to his knees and began furiously scooping the lukewarm pile into his favorite Pampered Chef mini cake dish. Rising, he put his bare foot down in exactly the wrong place, and fell on his sizable rump with a thud. The concoction bounced off the floor and the dish slow motioned above his head, finally depositing it's contents atop the bloody Brawny turban.
Granny cackled as the gooey contents dripped down over Buck's ears and made a remark about some sort of happy ending.
Confused and now half blinded by the sticky white pudding, Buck staggered to his feet, and an ear piercing shriek filled the air...

Post Fri Oct 21, 2005 2:50 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Naked and Famous



Joined: 23 Jul 2005
Posts: 1044
Location: Redmond, WA
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Buck covered his ears and looked squarely at Granny. "What the hell is he screaming for?"

"That isn't screaming, that is laughing. Can't you tell the difference boy? Didn't your parent's teach you anything?"

"Granny, you know that my parents didn't teach me anything useful while we were in the Amazon Rain Forest studying...oh hell, that's why they were studying bats."

"Amazing, you can be taught."

The bat swooped and...

Post Fri Oct 21, 2005 4:22 pm   View user's profile Send private message
NodakFiddler



Joined: 17 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Mexico
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. . . landed next to the Cuisinart. He snorted what looked like a line of crack (anything to escape these fucks) but, unfortunately for him, it was leftover flour. The flour tickled his nose and he blew a wad of bat snot and flour out of his nose and onto the counter.
"Magic Pie crust," yelled Granny.

Buck . . .
_________________
I've got eyes for you. And I keep them in a jar up in my room. When you come in they open wide, lids are gone, no place to hide. I've got eyes for you.
~Old 97s

Post Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:33 pm   View user's profile Send private message
zevon



Joined: 14 Oct 2005
Posts: 761
Location: SoCal
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NodakFiddler wrote:
. . . landed next to the Cuisinart. He snorted what looked like a line of crack (anything to escape these fucks) but, unfortunately for him, it was leftover flour. The flour tickled his nose and he blew a wad of bat snot and flour out of his nose and onto the counter.
"Magic Pie crust," yelled Granny.

Buck . . .


... decided it was time to put an end to this lunacy. Grabbing his favorite paring knife , he approached the foul vermin. As he got almost within striking distance, a curious but somehow delightful whistling sound came out of the little batlips. Mesmerized, Buck hesitated just an instant, and suddenly realized he'd made a dreadful mistake...

Post Fri Oct 21, 2005 9:24 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Naked and Famous



Joined: 23 Jul 2005
Posts: 1044
Location: Redmond, WA
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because when he looked deep into the bats eyes he realized that they seemed oddly familiar. "Uncle Thomas?"

"Squeak," replied Uncle Thomas and nodded his head. Granny explained then the secret of long life and the family secret of transforming into a bat.

Buck scratched his head. He couldn't believe what was going on, it was too reminescent of his psychadelic days in culinary arts school where he perfected skills in magic mushroom quiches and the most delicious brownies ever. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples but...

Post Sat Oct 22, 2005 5:04 pm   View user's profile Send private message
NodakFiddler



Joined: 17 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Mexico
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. . . couldn't help imagining that this was a wierd dream and he would be waking up any second.

He was jerked back into the reality of the situation when Uncle Thomas began furiously humping his leg. Buck swatted him with a spatula but missed and ended up hitting himself in the balls. Uncle Thomas hadn't changed a bit!

"Listen up," squeaked Tom. "You have to do three things before becomming immortal like me. The first is . . ."
_________________
I've got eyes for you. And I keep them in a jar up in my room. When you come in they open wide, lids are gone, no place to hide. I've got eyes for you.
~Old 97s

Post Sat Oct 22, 2005 8:15 pm   View user's profile Send private message
zevon



Joined: 14 Oct 2005
Posts: 761
Location: SoCal
 Reply with quote  

NodakFiddler wrote:
. . . couldn't help imagining that this was a wierd dream and he would be waking up any second.

He was jerked back into the reality of the situation when Uncle Thomas began furiously humping his leg. Buck swatted him with a spatula but missed and ended up hitting himself in the balls. Uncle Thomas hadn't changed a bit!

"Listen up," squeaked Tom. "You have to do three things before becomming immortal like me. The first is . . ."


... quit rubbing your crotch. Granny's getting that glazed over look in her eyes, and God knows we don't need a repeat of the Yankees incident."

Buck hadn't thought of that in years, and he quickly removed his hand from his stinging groin. The year was 1982, and the Bombers had a rookie catcher who was constantly adjusting his cup, every pitch, every at bat. Poor Grandpa Jerry had taken Granny to her very first baseball game that fine spring day, in celebration of enduring 30 years of wedded bliss with the old nag. As the game progressed, Granny developed a trancelike look, and in the top of the eigth she vaulted the fence and jumped the shocked rook's bones right there at home plate. It would be the last vision Jerry carried with him into eternity. During the ensuing tussle in front of a nationwide TV audience and God his ownself, Jerry was knocked down by the crowd pressing to get a better look at the best action they'd seen all day. He whacked his head on the protective railing and ended up face down in his brand new 48 ounce souvenir cup full of Budweiser, and promptly drowned. It was the darkest day in a long line of dark days which made up most of the Battey family history.

Buck felt something warm and wet on his leg and looked down to find Tom busily cleaning himself up with the boa. Horrified, Buck leapt back and but for the grace of a well placed rocking chair, would have found himself flat on his ass for the second time in five minutes. He slumped into the old Bassett and directed a stream of invective at the satisfied bat uncle.
Tom grinned sheepishly, and said "Well, you were off in neverland somewhere, and I've been in that damn box far too long. Before I lose you again, let's get to the second thing you've gotta do..."

Post Sat Oct 22, 2005 10:27 pm   View user's profile Send private message
NodakFiddler



Joined: 17 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Mexico
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. . . "you have to give the twelve midgets blow jobs. Or hand jobs, your choice. After the dozen short guys are satisfied (and they must be satisfied), you will have one more thing to do before you gain immortality which is to . . ."
_________________
I've got eyes for you. And I keep them in a jar up in my room. When you come in they open wide, lids are gone, no place to hide. I've got eyes for you.
~Old 97s

Post Tue Oct 25, 2005 11:31 am   View user's profile Send private message
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