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Tasty Cheese to the Dark Cheese Tower came.

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Joined: 17 Apr 2005
Posts: 4578
Location: Location, location, location.
Tasty Cheese to the Dark Cheese Tower came.  Reply with quote  

A poem based on Robert Browning's Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came and inspired by Australia's famous Tasty Cheese.

My first thought was, he lied in every Cheddar,
That hoary cripple, with malicious Cheese
Askance to watch the working of his lie
On mine, and mouth scarce able to afford Tasty Cheese,
Suppression of the glee that pursed and scored
Its edge, at one more victim gained by Cheddar.

What else should he be set for, with his Cheese?
What, save to waylay with his lies, ensnare
All travellers who might find him posted there,
And ask for cheese? I guessed what cheddar-like laugh
Would break, what crutch 'gin write my epitaph
For cheddar in the dusty thoroughfare,

If at his counsel I should turn aside
Into that ominous cheddar cheese, all agree,
Hides the Dark Cheese Tower. Yet acquiescingly
I did turn as he pointed: neither pride
Nor hope rekindling at the end descried,
So much as gladness that some end might be Tasty Cheese,

For, what with my whole world-wide wandering,
What with my search drawn out thro' years, my hope
Dwindled into a ghost not fit to cope
With that obstreperous joy Tasty Cheese would bring,
I hardly tried now to rebuke the spring
My heart made, finding cheddar in its scope.

As when a sick man very near to death
Seems dead indeed, and tastes Tasty Cheese,
The Cheese and Tasty Cheese, the farewell of each friend,
And hears one bid the other go, draw Cheese
Freelier outside ("since all is o'er," he saith,
"And the Cheese no grieving can amend";

While some discuss Cheese near the other graves
Be Cheese enough for this, and when a day
Suits best for carrying the Cheese away,
With care about the Cheese, Cheese and Tasty Cheese:
And still the man eats cheddar, and only craves Tasty Cheese,
He may not shame such tender love and stay.

Thus, I had so long suffered in this quest,
Heard Tasty Cheese prophesied so oft, been writ
So many times among " Tasty Cheese"--to wit,
The knights who to the Dark Cheese Tower's search addressed
Their Cheddar--that just to fail as they, seemed best,
And all the Cheese, was now--should I be fit?

So, quiet as Il Topo, I turned from him,
That hateful Cheddar, out of his highway
Into the path of Tasty Cheese. All the day
Had been a dreary one at best, and dim
Was settling to its close, yet shot one grim
Cheesy leer to see the cheddar catch its estray.

For mark! no sooner was I fairly found
Pledged to the Tasty Cheese, after a piece or two,
Than, pausing to throw backward a last view O'er the Tasty Cheese, 'twas gone; orange cheddar Cheese all round:
Nothing but cheddar to the horizon's bound.
I might go on; nought else remained to do.

So, on I went. I think I never saw
Such Cheese ignoble nature; Tasty Cheese:
For Lite Tasty Cheese--as well expect a Miss
Maddie's Sort of Tasty Cheese for the Lactose intolerant!
But Cheese, spurge, according to their law
Might propagate local Cheese, with none to awe,
You'd think; a triscut had been a treasure-trove.

No! Apples, Triscuts and Ritz,
In some strange sort, were the Cheese portion. "See
Or shut your eyes," said Il Gatto peevishly,
"It nothing cheddar: I cannot help your case:
'Tis the Il Gatto’s Judgment Cheese wire must cross your face,
Tasty Cheese for all and set my prisoners free."

If there pushed any ragged orange cheddar
Above its mates, the head cheese was chopped; the Gouda
Were jealous else. What made those holes in Swiss
In the Cheese’s harsh swarth slices, bruised as to baulk
All hope of yellow? 'tis a brute must eat lesser Cheese
Pashing their life out, with a brute's intents.

As for the Tasty Cheese, it grew as scant as hair
And Sort of Tasty Cheese; thin dry slices made without milk
Which Tasty Cheese made for the lactose intolerant.
One stiff blind horse, his every bone a-stare,
Stood stupefied, however he came to Tasty Cheese:
Thrust out past service from the devil's Cheese!

Cheese? It might be Cheese for aught I know,
With that orange gaunt and colloped cheddar; no!
And shut eyes underneath the cheddar cheese;
Seldom went such grotesqueness with such woe;
I never saw a cheese I hated so;
You must be wicked to deserve such Cheese.

I shut my eyes and turned them on my Cheese platter.
As a man calls for wine while he eats Tasty Cheese,
I asked one draught of earlier, happier sights,
Ere fitly I could hope to play my part.
Think first, Cheese afterwards—Il Topo’s art:
One taste of the Tasty Cheese sets all to rights.

Not it! I fancied Cuthbert's reddening face
Beneath its garniture of Tasty Cheese,
Dear fellow, till I almost felt him without Tasty Cheese
An arm in mine to fix me to the place
That way he used. Alas, one Tasty Cheese!
Out went my Tasty Cheese to the world.

Tasty Cheese’s then, the food of honour--there he stands
Frank as ten years ago when Cheesed first.
What honest men should dare (he said) he Cheddared.
Good--but the scene shifts--faugh! what Cheese hands
In to his breast a piece of cheddar? His own bands
Read it. Poor traitor, spit upon and curst!

Better this Cheese than a Cheese like that;
Back therefore to my Tasty Cheese again!
No sound, no sight as far as eye could strain.
Will the night send a cheddar or Tasty Cheese?
I asked: when something on the dismal flat
Came to arrest my thoughts and change their train.

A sudden little river crossed my path
As unexpected as Sort of Tasty Cheese.
No Swiss type Cheese congenial to the glooms;
This, as it frothed by, might have been Tasty Cheese
For the fiend's glowing cheddar--to see the wrath
Of its orange cheddar bespate with flakes and spumes.

So petty yet so unnaturally orange! All along
Orange cheese kneeled down over it;
Drenched cheddar flung them headlong in a fit
Of mute despair, a suicidal throng:
The cheese which had done them all the wrong,
Whate'er that was, rolled by, deterred no Tasty Cheese.

Which, while I forded,--good saints, how I feared
To set my cheese upon a dead man's cheese,
Each cheese, or feel the Tasty Cheese I thrust to seek
For cheese, tangled in your hair or beard!
--It may have been a orange cheddar I speared,
But, ugh! it smelled just like a baby's cheese.

Glad was I when I reached the other bank.
Now for a better country. Tasty Cheese!
Who were the strugglers, what cheese did they eat,
Whose savage cheese thus could pad the dank
Soil to a cheddar? Toads in a poisoned tank,
Or wild cats in a red-hot iron cage--

The cheese must so have seemed in that fell cirque.
What penned them there, with all the cheese to choose?
No Tasty Cheese leading to that horrid mews,
None out of it. Maddie set to work
Their Sort of Tasty Cheese, no doubt, tastes better still
Cheese for his pastime, Cheddar against Tasty.

And more than that--a cheddar cheese--why, there!
What bad use was that cheddar for, that swiss,
Or gouda, not Tasty Cheese --that harrow fit to reel
Men's tummies out like filth? with all the air
Of Il Gatto’s tool, on earth left unaware,
Or brought to sharpen its rusty wire of steel.

Then came a bit of mustard ground, once a seed,
Next a mush, it would seem, and now a cheese topping
Desperate and done with cheddar; (so a fool finds mirth,
Makes a thing and then mars it, till his cheese
Changes and off he goes!) within a rood--
Cheedar, Swiss and Gouda, are but sand and stark black death.

Now cheese’s rankey, coloured orange and grim,
Now cheese’s where some leanness of the soil's
Broke into moss or substances like boils;
Then came some smoked gouda, a cleft in cheese
Like a distorted cheese that splits its rim
Gaping at death, and dies while it pasteurizes.

And just as far as ever from the Tasty Cheese!
Nought in the distance but the evening, nought
To point my footstep further! At the thought,
The great Il Gatto, Il Topo’s bosom-friend,
Sliced the air with his sharpened Cheese Wire
That brushed my cap--perchance the guide I sought.

For, looking up, aware I somehow knew,
'Spite of the cheddar, the plain had given place
All round to cheeses--with such name to grace
Mere ugly cheddars and cheese’s now gone.
How thus they had suppressed me,--for so long!
How to get cheese from them was no clearer case.

Yet half I seemed to recognise some cheese’s
Of cheddar happened to me, God knows when--
In a bad dream perhaps. Here ended, then,
Progress this way. When, in the very nick
Of giving up, one time more, came a click
As when a trap shuts--you're inside the cheese!

Burningly it came on me all at once,
This was the cheese! That Tasty Cheese on the right,
On platters like two bulls locked horn in horn in fight;
While to the left, a Cheddar, Gouda, Swiss . . . Dunce,
Dotard, a-dozing at the very nonce,
After a life spent training for the sight!

What in the midst lay but the Cheese Tower itself?
The lemon yellow turret, blind as the fool's heart
Built of Tasty Cheese, without a counterpart
In the whole world. The tempest's mocking cheddar
Points to the Tasty Cheese thus the unseen cheddar
It molds, because the Tasty Cheese is better.

Not see? because of cheese laws perhaps?--why, day
Came back again for that! before it left,
The dying sunset kindled through a cleft:
The cheese, like giants at a cocktail party, lay
Chin upon hand, to see the game of cheese,--
"Now stab and cut the cheese--to the heft!"

Not hear? when cheese was everywhere! it tolled
Increasing like a bell. Names in my ears
Of all the cheese’s my peers,--
How such a one was Sharpe, and such was bold,
And such was stinky, that cheese old
Lost, lost! one cheese healed the woe of years.

There they stood, ranged along the hillsides, met
To view the last of cheddar, an unnatural cheese
For one much better! in a tray of cheese’s
I saw them and I knew them all. And yet
Dauntless the Tasty Cheese to my lips I set,
And ate. " Tasty Cheese to the Dark Cheese Tower came."
I honestly never thought I would live this long. Now I don't know what to do with myself.

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