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Bad Joke-Athon
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leprrkan



Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 5089
Location: In the home stretch...
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So this little boy is sitting on his front walk and there's a dog laying beside him.
A salesman walks up and says, "Hi, son, does your dog bite?"
The boy replys, "No, sir, my dog doesn't bite."
So the salesman reaches over to pet the dog, who immediately bites him.
When he gets him arm free he yells, "What the fuck, kid? You said your dog doesn't bite, and he bit me."
Kid looks at him and says, "Yeah, but this ain't my dog."
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"Jesus... is NOT a zombie... I shouldn't have to tell you that."

- "Bones"

Post Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:26 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
fortune cookie



Joined: 18 Mar 2006
Posts: 10534
Location: Easy street
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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished teller says, "I beg your pardon. I must have misunderstood you. "What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
_________________
We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood.
But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there." Dana Gould

Post Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:35 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Aubie



Joined: 17 Jan 2006
Posts: 1428
Location: Bammer
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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the clicking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That clicking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a piece of rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
_________________
Everyone loves a smart girl....

It's pronounced Aw-Bee if you were wonderin.

Post Wed Aug 08, 2007 7:41 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
leprrkan



Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 5089
Location: In the home stretch...
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3 cowboys, one from Maine, one from Idaho and one from Texas, are sitting around a fire, bragging on their home states and how tough you have to be to live there.

Maine says: "In Bangah, we got lobstahs the size of a small child, like 30 ponds of fury; ya gotta wrestle the bastahds with bare hands until a couple of buddies can hop on and pin 'em. That's why we're so tough up there."

Idaho responds: "Well, in Pocatello, it gets pretty dry and pretty cold come harvest time, but we still got to get the crops in. So we get tough from diggin' in dirt that's about as hard as concrete."

Texas doesn't say much of anything at all, and the other two are suprised, since Texans are known for, if nothing else, their bragging ability. So, Maine asks, "What, we too tough for ya, ya puss?" Texas still doesn't answer, so they look over and see him stirring the fire with his dick Very Happy
_________________
"Jesus... is NOT a zombie... I shouldn't have to tell you that."

- "Bones"

Post Mon Aug 13, 2007 11:24 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
lisa



Joined: 10 Apr 2004
Posts: 6789
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Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "

Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.

"Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.

"OK" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
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Your religion, you miserable man, begins in your stomach and ends in a lavatory - Nodar Dumbadze

Post Sun Oct 28, 2007 12:02 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
zendao42



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you
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The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says... 'What a great chest you have.'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says... 'What massive calves you have.'
The body builder tells her...'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear...

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies...'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

Post Tue Oct 30, 2007 2:47 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
deb



Joined: 08 Mar 2004
Posts: 6325
Location: Montana
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Mr. T, Arnold Swartzenegger, and Chuck Norris are standing in front of God. God says to them,"I have called you three here because you are the greatest fighters in the world and I have a place for one of you at my right hand. You must prove to me who it shall be." Mr. T steps up and says "I pity the fool who doesn't let me sit at His right hand." God tells him that he was not good enough and sends Mr. T to hell. Arnold steps up and says "I was in predator, commando, the terminator. You must choose the governator." God tells him not good enough and sends Arnold to hell. God turns to Chuck Norris and says "Why should you sit beside me?" Chuck quickly proceeds to roundhouse kick God in the face and say "Bitch, your in my seat."
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"Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind; it doesn't take you anywhere, but it tones up muscles that might." Pratchett

Post Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:29 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
girlEgirl



Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 6412
Location: olympia, wa
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if you are easily offended then dont read these jokes. whats a word for a black person that starts with an n and ends with an r that people really dont like to hear? (neighbor) ............... a catholic preist, a rabbi, and a lawyer are on a boat full of children. when it begins to sink the rabbi says "we've got to save the children!" to which the lawyer replies "man! screw those kids!" at which point the preist asks " do you think we have time?"
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clowns are people too...people who want to hurt you.

Post Wed Nov 14, 2007 11:20 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
leprrkan



Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 5089
Location: In the home stretch...
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Blonde Cookbook



It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.


Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper




A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.




Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..




I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.



Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.




Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.




GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
_________________
"Jesus... is NOT a zombie... I shouldn't have to tell you that."

- "Bones"

Post Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:30 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Wingnut



Joined: 22 Aug 2007
Posts: 2602
Location: Nanaimo, British Columbia
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A horse walks into bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
The horse says, "It's my wife - she's a nag."

A little while later, a hamburger walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry buddy - we don't serve food here."


And, a classic from Howie Mandel, "Two guys walk into a bar, which is pretty stupid, since the second guy should have seen the first guy hurt himself."
_________________
"Smacking yourself with a thawed meat-hammer never has a desired effect." - Jinxted

"Life's too short to get wrapped around the axle about the little things." - SK

-The First Law of Geography: Everything is Connected to Everything Else.

Post Thu Nov 22, 2007 9:26 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Wonko



Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 4787
Location: ...but it's a hot heat
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**Read no further if you are offended by scatalogical humor**

The discussion of the current Charmain ad campaign mentioned in the thread about Dick Wilson's death reminded me of this old one:

A bear is taking a shit in the woods when he notices a rabbit right next to him doing the same. The bear asks the rabbit: "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says "No. I don't."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit
_________________
Avoid being normal -- John Lennon

Post Thu Nov 22, 2007 8:58 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
sgt_steve



Joined: 18 Jan 2005
Posts: 5197
Location: Michissippi
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A joke I learned from the late Bob Asprin. Posted here in his memory.

--------------
The grizzled sergeant is reviewing the troops. He marches back and forth, looking for imperfections. Finding none, he decides to test their mettle. With no warning, he gives the closest man a horrendous right cross to the jaw. The man's head snaps to the side, then returns to it's original position, expression unchanged. The sergeant screams into his face: "And does it hurrrt, lad?"
"NO SIR!"
"And why not?"
"BECAUSE I'M A MEMBER OF THE BLACK WATCH, SIR!"
"Good lad!" says the sergeant, and turns to the next man. As he walks away, the first man faints dead away.

A few more down the line, the sergeant chooses to unleash an unbelievable punch to the gut, burying his hand nearly to the write. The soldier staggers back a few inches, then returns to position, expression unchanged. The sergeant screams into his face: "And does it hurrrt, lad?"
"NO SIR!"
"And why not?"
"BECAUSE I'M A MEMBER OF THE BLACK WATCH, SIR!"
"Good lad!" says the sergeant, and turns away. As he walks down the line, the second man faints dead away.

Further down the line, the sergeant finds a particularly sturdy trooper for his next test. He grabs viciously and pulls the man's penis out, grabs his nightstick, and proceeds to play the drum solo from In A Gadda Da Vida. Long version. Through the whole thing, the trooper never budges. The sergeant lets go of the penis, which snaps back and disappears. The sergeant screams into his face: "And does it hurrrt, lad?"
"NO SIR!"
"And why not?"
"BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE MAN BEHIND ME, SIR!"
The man behind him faints.
--------------

Bob used to do this as a skit. He would get six of the Dorsai Irregulars up there in uniform, in two rows of three. He'd launch into performing the joke, pretty much as you see it above. Being Bob, he mostly played to the crowd. In between troopers he'd do fancy turns, spins, wave the nightstick around, mug for the crowd about the guy fainting, and so on. What he didn't watch was the six troopers. One time, after slugging the second guy, he was facing the crowd and cute little Linda Glasscock stepped into the third position. He didn't notice it until he spun and started the grab, then froze.

And that was pretty much the end of the Black Watch skit for that evening.

Post Mon May 26, 2008 7:48 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
miles65



Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 17
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Wonko wrote:
**Read no further if you are offended by scatalogical humor**

The discussion of the current Charmain ad campaign mentioned in the thread about Dick Wilson's death reminded me of this old one:

A bear is taking a shit in the woods when he notices a rabbit right next to him doing the same. The bear asks the rabbit: "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says "No. I don't."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit


I know this one in a longer version. It goes on:

In the evening the rabbit sees a hedgehog in the woods who is laughing his a** off.
"Why are you laughing?"
"I met a bear today who asked me whether I have trouble with shit sticking to may fur."

Post Wed May 28, 2008 6:26 am   View user's profile Send private message
walk



Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Posts: 3329
Location: sittin here on mah porch with dis here gun
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sorry if some of these are repeats i got to page 5 and skipped ahead to the end

this one is complements of my friend davo

who harvests the corn on tatooine?
huskan raiders!
-----------

what do you call a deer with no eyes?
[answered in a new york accent]
no ider
------------

whats the difference between a stoned driver and a drunk driver?
a drunk driver will run the stop sign and the stoned driver will stop and wait for it turn green.
-------------

what do you call 2 quadriplegics hanging by a window?
curt and rod!
-------------

what do you call someone with leprosy in a hot tub?
stew
_________________
"protestant heaven is in the basement of catholic heaven."
my dad

"there's just one more thing.... it's been emotional." lock stock and 2 smoking barrels

Post Wed May 28, 2008 7:41 am   View user's profile Send private message
zendao42



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you
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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," ---the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress!"

Post Sun Jun 08, 2008 1:50 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
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