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Fake Bios
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FattyFattyPorkFace



Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 6381
Location: Michigan
Fake Bios  Reply with quote  

Ok, I was gonna post this as a new game but I thought it was better suited to our Who's Who section.

Write yourself a fake bio; the one you think you should get or maybe are glad you don't have.


FattyFattyPorkFace was born in 1963 under the pseudonym of Boz. He spent his formative years as a lathe worker in the East End of London before trekking the several miles to Manchester to learn how to read. Having learned how to read, he realised he had trekked to Scunthorpe and that the map was upside down.

At the age of 19, he married a local coal miner named Sarah and had five children; his wife had none. They divorced in 1964 and, realising the time paradox, the marriage was anulled. FFPF became addicted to number 2 pencils and entered rehab at the age of 22. He was there for three years.

After finally finding the exit doors, he vowed never to return and started a charity for other addicts with DFD (directional fucktard disorder) in an attempt to stem the flow of idiots who were getting lost throughout the British Isles. To this day, he is still looking for his office and, although remarried, he has never met his wife. He is 103 and tastes like chicken.
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Post Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:27 am   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
sgt_steve



Joined: 18 Jan 2005
Posts: 5197
Location: Michissippi
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Sgt_steve is one of the pseudonyms of a world-famed adventurer and scientist. After his pre-birth graduation from MIT in 1934, he killed time doing post-doctoral work at a number of European universities while waiting for puberty to hit. During this period he was recruited by several secret organizations with whom he remained affiliated during the War. His best-known exploit was ensuring that the Zimmerman telegram (of which he was the ghost-writer) fell into the hands of the Allies. Escaping Germany just ahead of the wrath of illiterate Nazis, he studied advanced mathematics and homosexuality with Alan Turing for the duration of the war.

After the war he moved to Minnesota, where he continued his Zimmerman person. He dabbled in local politics, where he was an early influence on Hubert Humphrey and fathered his first and only son, Robert, and then disappeared from view for many years.

Rumors circled about his presence at key moments in Panmungjon, at the McCarthy hearings, and as a possible assassin both for and of J. Edgar Hoover, but none of these have been confirmed.

He next surfaced for a brief stint as a detective in Hawaii in the late 50s. His exploits were popularized in not one but two television shows, Hawaii 5-0 and Magnum, P.I. though neither truly represented his range of exploits.

In the sixties and seventies, he changed careers drastically and performed extensively with his son and other musicians. During this period he was particularly noted as guitar teacher to John Fahey, Amos Garret and a parade of others. After being disillusioned by the excesses of the rising metal musicians, he invented Disco and left the field for a career as a writer and mountain climber. He later fictionalized some of his own exploits under the pseudonym Trevanian.

These days he is rumored to be living in his beloved Midwest, continuing his attempt to shorten his proof of Fermats Last Theorem to three lines and ghost-writing Donald Knuths last four volumes. He emerges occasionally to tour with grandson Jakob. He tastes like chocolate.

Post Fri Jan 20, 2006 12:19 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Lara



Joined: 29 Mar 2004
Posts: 2061
Location: NorCal, USA
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Lara is a 35 year old woman who is following her bliss. Through a work release program in the mid 90's, she discovered she had a talent for taxidermy. She is now the leading bull-scrotum artiste in the Western World.

On display in several galleries through the Southern United States, her pieces (“nutshells” as she likes to call them) draw crowds and gasps of admiration. In her studio, a small, candlelit shed behind the Tasty Freeze in Oroville, California, Lara plies her trade. “I order the 'nads on-line. I have a supplier that buys straight from the bull rings in Spain. I get these things at cost plus shipping. Sometimes I get 'em local, like when Les Schwabb has its Free Meat tires sale but people prefer to have the Spanish stuff.”

People from all over the world flock for a glimpse of her wares. Even her parole officer is impressed. “I bought this here gun holster from her,” he says, gently stroking the sleek leather belt and holster at his hip. “She made the belt out of its- er- whatsit.”

The bull fight balls are her most popular medium. “Folks like to know the bulls went down fighting. Kind of an aphrodisiac.” She offers forth a set of candle holders that she says are a popular Valentine's Day gift. “Very romantic stuff 'round here.”

When asked about a similar but smaller set of candle holders on her drafting board, she replies, “Oh... the bull doesn't always lose.”

For photos and pricing go to: tohellinanutshell.org
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"Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor." ~ http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays


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Last edited by Lara on Sat Feb 18, 2006 1:54 pm; edited 2 times in total

Post Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:58 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
DanSRose



Joined: 13 Nov 2004
Posts: 1034
Location: Brooklyn, NY
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DanSRose lives an amazing life that you all should feel jealous of. Presently, he spends his time as an internationally famous playboy, magician, photographer, "photographer" if you know what I mean & I think you do, a negotiator, and an archaeologist, in which he has stopped 5 boy bands from making music, found the lost continent and made a truce with the Dinonoids (including an amusement park deal), uncovered the secret of the Sphinx (a pharoah's "gentleman's club"), and made peace in the Middle East with a show that Houdini was quoted as saying "It was Awesome", which is impressive because Eric Weisz is dead. Not without his troubles, he has had his heart broken by Rachel Weisz (no relation), Natalie Portman, Shirley Manson, Beck, (a year of self-discovery and adventure), Shannyn Sossamon, and by two high school aquaintences (from his high school years; not someone in high school- That ain't cool, man.). He currently lives in an East Village apartment while his penthouse in Dinotopia is being constructed. He hates people who have butlers and loves people who can make their own caesar salad dresser.
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From a fortune cookie: Only those who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible.

Adventures!

Post Sun Jan 29, 2006 10:34 am   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
Kilgore



Joined: 03 Mar 2005
Posts: 305
Location: Inside Ferrit's Head
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Me I don't need one because I ain't real.

Kilgore
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Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.

-KV

Post Tue Jan 31, 2006 7:41 pm   View user's profile Send private message
deb



Joined: 08 Mar 2004
Posts: 6325
Location: Montana
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Deb is fucking hot.
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"Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind; it doesn't take you anywhere, but it tones up muscles that might." Pratchett

Post Tue Jan 31, 2006 7:42 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
FattyFattyPorkFace



Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 6381
Location: Michigan
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deb wrote:
Deb is fucking hot.


It's supposed to be a fake bio, deb.

Geez, some people just don't follow the rules!
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Twitter: jefftunes

Post Tue Jan 31, 2006 7:47 pm   View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Lib



Joined: 16 Apr 2004
Posts: 3423
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Lib is really a concert pianist that travels the world. People weep with gratitude when she places her fingers on the ivory keys. Angels draw near. At her last concert in Florence, Italy, Andrea Boccelli asked to perform an aria while she played.

Lib spends time painting beautiful watercolors and oils that have gathered rave reviews in the New York, London, Paris and Rome Art circles. She currently has five paintings on display in the Louvre.

Lib is a gourmet cook. She is currently compiling her fifth cookbook for publication. Her fouth book, "A Pie By Any Other Name" has sold over 20 million copies worldwide.

An avid reader, Lib recently donated 25 million dollars to the Kentucky Department of Libraries. This money will used to purchase books for all local libraries in the Bluegrass State.

Recently asked what she plans to do next, Lib replied, "I'm throwing a small dinner party for all the Boardello next month."
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Book: A garden carried in a pocket. Arabian Proverb

Post Fri Feb 03, 2006 10:26 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Lara



Joined: 29 Mar 2004
Posts: 2061
Location: NorCal, USA
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Nice! you guys have inspired me to update mine. The boys are gonna come a'flocking now! Twisted Evil
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"Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor." ~ http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays


http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1286305849

Post Sat Feb 18, 2006 1:57 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Tito



Joined: 30 Mar 2004
Posts: 1203
Location: is everything
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buh-bye.

Last edited by Tito on Tue Jul 06, 2010 1:39 pm; edited 2 times in total

Post Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:53 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
DanO



Joined: 15 Mar 2005
Posts: 6
Fake Bio  Reply with quote  

DanO was much happier as a woman.

Post Wed Feb 22, 2006 3:09 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Katy O



Joined: 29 Mar 2004
Posts: 5127
Location: DFW Metroplex - TX
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Katy O wrote the world's best-loved book ever and retired on the proceeds after solving world hunger, poverty, pointless movies, eating contests, visible panty lines, camel toes (ewwwww), hangovers, and the oft-asked question of "What happens to socks in the dryer?"

Katy O also locked J.K. Rowling in a basement until she finished the last damn book so everyone would know what happened to Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort.

Katy O lives on a private island to which she invites all the fascinating people in the world to come and be awed by her quick wit and fantastic chocolate chip cookies (patent pending). She lives on the private island with her husband, cat, and team of masseuse-men. (she is a big fan of the sports-massage)
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Talk about wasted technology. Until they also perfect
pee-at-the-pump, you still have to go inside the store.

Post Wed Feb 22, 2006 5:51 pm   View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Juline1



Joined: 03 Jul 2005
Posts: 106
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Juline1 is a perfectly well adjusted adult who doesn't require drugs for any reason at all whatsoever. No siree. Not at all.

Fuck.
Pass the donuts.

Post Sat Feb 25, 2006 7:11 am   View user's profile Send private message
Blissgirl



Joined: 22 Feb 2006
Posts: 10
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Blissgirl has a very avererage life and fills her days with sewing, cooking and rasing children. Nothing can be learned from her that has not been covered in every heartfelt tale about women ever told. She does the usual, you know, bearing emotional pain like a trooper, and ummm... she doesn't receive proper attention and praise from her family. Oh, and lugs heavy laundry around all day in her thankless housekeeping role. She works like a dog and the bread winner treats her like a maid. She has not been called pretty in twenty years. It's possible that many people will cry at her funeral never knowing a single thing that she really thought or felt. Someday she might break free, like a wild horse and let her ideas and inspiration turn her into heroin oops I mean a heroine for all the women of the world. For now she takes crap from 5 nasty brats and a drunken husband. (wait that needs editing....Ahem) For now she bears the burdens of family life hoping that someday her inner beauty will shine through and take her on a wonderful journey of the heart. Shocked
(It's good for a start, no?)
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"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries."

Post Mon Feb 27, 2006 2:12 pm   View user's profile Send private message
Vahlee



Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 3675
Location: Not-so-back to school
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Vahlee is barefoot, pregnant, and has 26 kids running around. However, she also has time for her super secret life as "SUPERMOM." By night she prowls around the alley ways of Atlanta, searching for good deeds to do. Once she rescued two nuns out of a burning building, while carrying two flaming puppies.
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"The First Annual Boobathon Queen. "

http://www.upnorthgeorgia.org

Post Mon Feb 27, 2006 2:36 pm   View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
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