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short story/scene thing

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john palmer
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short story/scene thing  Reply with quote  

Hello Hillary,

You invited conmments and criticisms.

First of all I really liked the premise, in fact I liked the scene; indeed, it makes me want to read "the book" that it could be from. Those are the comments.

As for the criticisms. I'd rather stick to the comments, but I know, as a person who is trying to write, how useful criticisms are, and how hard they are to find. The trouble is, I'm not sure that I know anything. That in mind, here goes:

I thought that it took too lkong to get into the scene. What about starting it with something like a later line such as "Even hours from her death, she still outshone every woman I had ever known." That would grab me.

I really like some of the details like "liquid diamonds" for the woman's tears, which relates back to her beauty -- more such use of threads would add.

Some things, however, kind of come out of nowhere, like, "Damn my Davenport pride." Neat, but it felt a little unprepared, and then it felt like you could have made more of it. Same with the brother.

A few minor points:

- You use "had" in the verb form fairly often, which slows things down a little too much for me.
- "holding her "extremity" as a synonym for "hand" felt a bit jarring, given the mood of the scene.
- I think "hesitation" would be better than "hesitancy" (or is that just me?). In general, that word or some grammatical variation, seems to turn up a little too frequently.

Back to the general:

There are some interesting seeds in this scene. I think that the scene would benefit from a second look at how they are developed.

Bottom line -- I really like it, and see a lot of promise in it.

Is that of any use?

Again, I'm not convinced that I know anything whatsoever about the mystery of writing.


Cheers,

John Palmer

Post Mon Jun 14, 2004 6:33 am   
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