Christopher Moore Home Page

The bulletin board is currently closed to new posts. Instead, why not check out Chris' Twitter and Facebook pages?


bbs.chrismoore.com Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Here

The Duck

  Author    Thread This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.
Kate R



Joined: 29 Sep 2005
Posts: 463
The Duck  Reply with quote  

One day I sat down and wrote this in about fifteen minutes. It's odd, but it amused me at the time. Thought I'd share:


The Duck

Once upon a time there was a duck who lived in the parking lot of a Kroger. He was unique in several ways, although the fact that he’s a duck and lives in the Kroger parking lot should’ve tipped you off to that one. Firstly, he ate gravel (of short supply in ponds, but more than available in parking lots), and the odd croaking noises he made sounded strangely like human speech. The weirdest thing about him, though, was that no matter how many times he was run over, he never died. Teenagers begged their mothers to let them run to the store for a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread just to have a chance at flattening the duck. Regular Kroger patrons – frustrated housewives with screaming toddlers – vented their frustrations on him three, maybe four times a day, finding their urge to kill strangely satisfying – like a violent video game.
Even though it didn’t kill the duck, being run over all the time did not work wonders on his personality. He grew bitter, and more often than not as cars drove away, their drivers almost swore they heard the duck croak “Fuck you, asshole” from his smashed little bill.
One day, sometime in the early afternoon, as the duck was munching on some particularly quality gravel, he glanced up at the sound of a little girl’s quiet sobs. He waddled up to her and quacked
“Don’t cry, you’re making it hard to digest.”
“I can’t help it…I need to find my mommy!” she sniffed. The duck’s heart had not completely turned to stone, in spite of years of abuse. He had seen this girl before, through the window of a mini-van that crushed him almost daily.
“Aw, honey. You’re better off without that worthless bag of shit.” He offered a consoling pat with his wing, but his chivalry did not have the effect he was hoping for. The girl wailed even louder. The duck was flummoxed.
“Well, uh…let’s go find her then.” The girl got up and followed the waddling duck around the parking lot.
“Oh worthless bag o’…uh, woman, you’re daughter’s pretty P.O.ed about being abandoned and all!” he shout-quacked “Maybe you want to come and do your freakin’ motherly duty!”
They found the frantic woman by the cart corral.
“Oh my baby!” she ran up to her daughter. The duck felt a flush of satisfaction, with just a tiny bit of disappointment that the woman hadn’t tripped and skinned her knee or something, but mostly satisfaction.
“Bitter little duck! How can I ever repay you for finding my little girl?”
It was then that the duck realized that he had something unique to offer the world. His position as the target-practice duck of the Kroger parking lot offered him a certain rare understanding of human nature.
“Well, lady, you could put me through psychology school, unless they accept tuition in gravel?”
The woman just laughed hysterically, got into her mini-van with her daughter and promptly ran him over.
After several years, the duck managed to work his way through psychology school – doing his doctoral thesis on Road Rage, of course – and is now the most famous duck since Donald. He has written several books, such as “Keep Your Grill off my Bill” and “I’m Tired of Your Tires,” allowing him to buy all the gravel his little heart desired. He has lived crankily ever after.
THE END

Post Wed Apr 12, 2006 10:41 pm   View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
  Display posts from previous:      
This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.

Jump to:  


Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

 
Templates created by Vereor and Ken